


Dirty Liar

by Pinklove21



Category: Hunger Games Trilogy - Suzanne Collins
Genre: F/M, Sexual Content, Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-01-01
Updated: 2013-05-10
Packaged: 2017-11-23 06:24:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 37
Words: 85,989
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/619058
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pinklove21/pseuds/Pinklove21
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU during MJ, a little fun to make it better since it's in my opinion the worst book of the three, enter into MJ and enjoy. A normal turned naughty hunting trip in District 13 to begin and goes from there.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Dirt

The zipping of my arrow is the only sound that doesn’t belong in the woods that you can hear, the kill made of the rabbit I just brought down the next one. I hadn’t even breathed and neither did Gale. I can’t even tell you how good it feels to be out hunting again just like old times, even if it’s not exactly the same. For one we’re not in our woods, we’re in the forest just outside the ruins of what used to be District 13. For another we’re barefoot to be quieter and our shoes are left with the ankle trackers and communicators in a pile as we take down a large number of animals who are far too trusting of us. It’s easy hunting and relaxing, rejuvenating me. Out here I don’t have to think about the rebellion or the war going on. Or Peeta in the Capitol, obviously being tortured…

“Nice shot Catnip.” Gale breaks the silence as I go over to retrieve my kill and my arrow, wiping the arrow off on some moss.

“Thanks.” I murmur, studying my clean right through the eye kill before putting it in my game bag. We have far more than enough to bring back to the kitchen and it’s only been around an hour of our two hour time for hunting, so we decide to just relax and take a break by a pond not far from here. Sitting down on the dry dirt just off the mud from the water, we sit in silence and chew some mint leaves before I break the silence this time.

“I wonder if this is what it would be like if we had to run away if this rebellion doesn’t work.” I wonder aloud. I feel Gale’s eyes on me though I don’t look up before he answers me.

“Well we’d have our families with us for one.” He points out.

“True.” I concede. It’s not like we would leave them after all. It’s strange to think about running away again, though I guess it’s not really new for us. The first time being that fateful day when I volunteered for Prim to go into the Games, the second being where I brought it up on that cold winter day at the lake where Gale told me he loved me. And I stupidly said _I know_ , the worst possible thing I could have ever said.

“And besides, we won’t have to. This rebellion’s going to work and we’re all going to be fine.” Gale tries to comfort me with and I look at him incredulously. For one this is not the ranting Gale I’ve always known nor the one who doesn’t think the best of everything.

“Liar.” I call him out and he shrugs. He knows as well as I do that we all could very well not be _fine_ at all even on the off chance we’re all actually alive to be fine at the end of this.

“Let’s just say we do have to. Let’s pretend.” I wish aloud, not exactly sure why. I really just don’t want to go back to reality for once.

“Okay.” He agrees easily before leaning close to me, taking me by surprise and pressing his warm lips gently to mine as my eyelids on instinct shutter closed at the contact. He hasn’t pushed me or the love stuff or anything since we’ve been to thirteen and I’m surprised he does now. After a moment of still thinking with my eyes closed I slowly open them to find Gale looking at me with an almost guilty but half satisfied smile.

“What was that for?” I ask finally and he gives me another guilty smile before answering.

“Well you said we were running away and that’s the first thing I would have done.” he informs me before looking down, clearly thinking he did wrong. I find myself actually believing him and feel a little guilty myself for not seeing that coming. He looks down before muttering, “Forget it.” and staring off into the distance, clearly feeling the awkward tension between us because he broke that friendship line once again.

And suddenly I just hate that line, that awkwardness. I hate it all and just wish that we could be normal again but I know that’s not going to happen. It’s my fault for hurting him in the first place with my fake love in the first Games, my fault that I had to pretend to be engaged…married…pregnant to save him. And I would do anything to get that deep frown off his face right now. I can’t stand it.

So what do I do? I gently put a hand on his cheek until he looks at me with hurt eyes he fails to hide before I kiss him.

When I pull away he looks at me strangely before asking almost guardedly, “What was that for?”

“That’s the first thing I would do if we ran away.” I assure him but he just laughs at me.

“Liar.” He calls me out on my lie, and it’s the truth. To be honest if we were really running away that’s just what I would be doing; running.

“No I’m not.” I protest even though he knows the truth. He knows me too well and I know him too well. Which means this time I see it coming when he leans into kiss me again.

This time it’s more passionate and I find myself kissing him as hard and with just as much verve as he is, not quite knowing what’s taken over me. But the sensations running through me, the warmth that I felt tingling every sense I have just like on the beach with Peeta in the Quarter Quell take over quickly and I don’t think about it, just let it take over. Gale’s tongue brushes my bottom lip to open my mouth and I do so, his tongue slipping inside my mouth and exploring as I do the same. I’ve never actually done this before and don’t really know what I’m doing but Gale doesn’t seem to mind.

Our hands explore our bodies as Gale pushes me eventually onto the ground and I find myself liking this position, Gale hovering over me and kissing me again and again as I lie beneath him and my hands press onto his shoulders as he eventually breaks the kiss.

“Still think this is the first thing you would do?” he asks me in an almost seductive tone as we both breathe hard, trying to catch our breaths.

“Yes.” I lie again, but this time it’s so easy to detect that he just chuckles again through his heavy breathing, the laughter tickling my cheek.

“Now you’re a dirty liar Catnip.” He chuckles and I find myself blushing by the way he says it. You can hear the double meaning quite easily in his tone. It’s true in the literal sense in that I am lying and I’m currently pretty dirty I would guess since I’m on my back in the dirt on the ground, but I can tell he also means in in the more…lustful way. Like I’m really enjoying this and I can guiltily admit to myself I am. I don’t care about crossing lines or anything at the moment. I don’t care that I’m not supposed to have any feelings at all for my ‘cousin’ or that we’re just outside of District 13 and this isn’t our woods or our way. I just don’t care at all and I feel that lust taking over me, and I’m sure my eyes are just as black with want as Gale’s are which are looking down at me with sheer desire on the heels of his declaration.

“Prove it.” I whisper, the want overtaking me. And prove me he does.

His lips find mine again in a fiery kiss but they don’t stay there for long, his lips sucking and gently biting my jaw and neck as his hands work on the buttons of my shirt as mine go under his and my hands caress and memorize his toned muscles, even more toned from the recent training here in District 13. As he unbuttons the last button on my shirt and my stomach and chest are exposed save for my standard District 13 bra, the embarrassment and shame take over the lust a bit and I’m blushing again, my hands stopping where they are on his stomach as I freeze and close my eyes, not wanting to see what Gale is thinking of me.

“Katniss.” He whispers gently, and I slowly open my eyes again to find his looking down at me in complete understanding. Of course he understands; no one knows me better. I bite my lip once before nodding for this to continue and the lust comes back into his eyes and I feel myself feeling the same, grabbing the back of his head and pulling it down to me for our lips to meet again. As we do so I sense my shirt coming off as well as the bra as I break the kiss long enough to rip off his shirt and when my hands trace the scars on his back from the whipping I feel really bad but then his lips and tongue are sucking on one of my breasts that I sort of forgot to realize were now exposed as one of his hands rubs the other and for once I can’t find it in me to care. A moan escapes my lips without my permission and incredulously it only seems to drive him crazier as his movements get a little rougher and more pointed.

Strangely I like the roughness though; it fits us. While I’ve been polished and most of my scars over the years have been wiped away by the Capitol aside from those from the last few months, Gale still has all his, the calluses on his hands still there from hunting and more from mining. But they feel real unlike my smooth ones now and I can’t help but want more of it. That’s all I can remember or care about at the moment-the desire the want, the more, more, more.

And the more comes when it’s not Gale who takes the next step but me, frantically unbuttoning his pants and unzipping them. I can feel the hardness of the thing that I’ve only seen on dead or almost dead men and despite my desire I’m a little scared. But he seems to know this and takes my hand away before placing it and the other one above my head before unbuttoning my own pants and ripping them and my underwear off, leaving me completely exposed her on the ground.

But I don’t have too much time to be embarrassed as he distracts me with his lips on mine as he incredulously puts one finger into me in a rhythm that would have me panting and moaning if his lips weren’t taking them away before he puts in two, and then three. I finally can’t take it anymore and break the kiss to groan in pleasure and he takes that as a cue to amazingly put his lips on _me_ , sucking and licking as his fingers go in and out as I grab onto his hair and strangely push him further down than away, my body taking control.

Until I lose control, seeing stars and white and completely losing my vision as waves of pleasure coarse through my entire body, leaving me shaking. Smiling is the first thing I see when my vision comes back and Gale kisses me on the lips again fiercely, letting me taste myself on him. It drives me to go further. Do more.

Now I have the courage to do what I meant to do earlier and I want to make Gale feel the same way that he just made me feel. I confidently take him in my hand even though I still don’t know what to do and look down at him before my eyes go a little wide but I try not to show my fear. Instead I focus on how silky and smooth and hard it is under my hand and experimenting, I slowly at first but then faster take my hand up and down it. Gale moans and it drives me wild, makes me feel like I have some sort of power as I decide to do what he did and kiss the top gently as my hand still goes up and down, his moaning my name only encouraging me. Until he stops my hand and pushes me back into the ground again, the breath leaving me as I hit the ground.

But his sheer desire and lust and love in his eyes calms me as he kisses me gently and asks with his eyes if I’m ready. I give a slight nod and he presses his lips hard to me as my legs instinctually go around his waist and lock them there, our hips grinding together and everything feeling almost right. And then his fierce kiss steals the cry from me as he enters me completely and stops moving to let me adjust.

I try to keep the tears from falling out of my closed eyes because it does hurt but I can’t stop now. I lay there for a minute until I get used to it and nod a little as my legs slacken and we begin a slow pace, our hips meeting each other. Strangely I’m the one to pick up the pace though as I moan _harder_ or _faster_ and we keep going until I’m seeing stars again. As the pleasure goes through me in harder waves this time I feel Gale see his own stars as he spills into me before we collapse and catch our breaths again.

I finally look up to him with an amazed look, unbelieving that you could ever feel this good. He chuckles once before kissing me lightly on the lips as he pulls out and somehow I miss the contact that I had amazingly already gotten used to. But I take that as my cue to get up and get dressed and he does the same because we need to get back to District 13. Back to reality.

We hold hands and don’t speak as we walk back to where we left our shoes and trackers and stuff and as we collect them Gale finally breaks the silence with an almost smug smirk, the desire still evident in his eyes.

“So did I prove you wrong?” he asks me, going back to our conversation before…that happened.

I blush before responding. “No, that’s still what I would have done first.”

He laughs seductively again at my insistence before letting my hand go as we get to the gate. “You really are a dirty liar.” He tells me as he walks off, clearly a little cocky but definitely happy with our day of ‘hunting.’ I roll my eyes at him a little even though he’s right and go to my own compartment, where Prim is waiting for me. Oh right, it’s Reflection time. Yeah, I’ve definitely got some reflecting to do.

“Hi Katniss!” she exclaims as I come in and she pulls me into a hug before quickly pulling out of it. “Why are you so dirty?”

I try not to blush as I answer her, “Oh I fell. It’s no big deal.” I insist.

“Oh well as long as you’re not hurt.” Prim replies, a little concerned but clearly buying it. Well I kind of fell. But it is a big deal and it did kind of hurt. And I did something I never thought I would but I can’t tell Prim or basically anyone that.

I really am a dirty liar.


	2. Mud

“Katniss…” Gale tries to begin, that tone telling me exactly what needs to happen. We need to talk about the…state of our relationship. I thought it was a onetime thing, what happened in the woods a week ago. It was supposed to be certainly, something to look back on and never speak of again. I wasn’t even sure if I liked it or not after thinking about it for hours. But two days later when we went hunting again just one look from Gale and his mischievous smirk when we walked past that pond did it. I blushed at the reminder but strangely that same feeling came over me again and well…you know. 

Turns out I do like it; more than I would probably like to admit even to myself. For someone who Peeta said was too pure and that’s why the other Victors were teasing me before the Quarter Quell I’m certainly not anymore if I ever was. But maybe that just has to do with the fact that it’s Gale. I still don’t exactly know what I feel for him but it’s pretty clear that our friendship line has been so long ago crossed that I can’t even see it anymore. But we’re not exactly a couple either, nor am I sure I want that still; with anyone. I sort of like the whole be friends around other people but do dirty things behind closed doors (or in our case, the woods outside of District 13). 

I’ve been extremely careful to not give any indication of what really goes on when we’re hunting, especially not after that first time. Prim might have bought my line that I just fell but I had a feeling that my mother would have been more knowing. While I was dirty my ravished lips and blushing cheeks would have probably given everything away to her and while I long ago took over as head of the household she’s still my mother and I know she would want to talk about it. So I cleaned myself the best I could before dinner with a washcloth an water from the sink that time and I’ve been smarter about it since, making sure we’re in the grass or something instead of the dirt. 

It still gives me that amazing feeling every time, multiple times if Gale has any say in it (which he does). It’s actually gotten better every time too because it doesn’t really even hurt that much anymore and the pleasure starts almost immediately now and for some reason I crave it. I crave the time we are allotted to go into the woods but not for hunting anymore. It’s really the only place we can be alone. 

But even though I’ve been careful to hide it and I know that Gale and I have to talk about this eventually, I’m somehow not ready yet. I don’t want to talk about it because that means I will probably feel awkward or might feel pressured to be something more since we’re already doing…things. Because we are both so terrible with words that somehow I think we can only make this worse by trying and we’ve already had our difficulties ever since I came back from my first Games. Because…because I really just don’t want to talk at all. So when he says my name like that and I know instantly that he thinks that talk should be now, I do the only thing I can think of to avoid it; I crash my lips into his to distract him, stop the words I don’t want to hear from coming out of his mouth. Luckily he’s either decided that it’s just not worth fighting me yet on that talk or he wants this just as much as I do and let’s his wants take over the needs for once (something neither of us are quite used to doing after years of only thinking of surviving) and I can’t be happier. 

We are near the pond where we first made love and rip each other’s standard issue shirts off quickly because they are only in the way. As soon as Gale’s is off my wandering hands caress and smooth over the taut muscles of his chest and stomach as he unclasps my bra and immediately dips his head to the treasures that they hid. I throw back my head and moan as my nipples harden under his touch and tongue and I idly wonder why I was ever shy about showing my body to Gale. I mean really, had I known he could do something like this I might have ripped it off myself a long time ago. I grasp his dark locks in my fingers and press his head down, wanting more. We help each other rip off our pants and we’re left naked in front of each other, but that’s no longer something to be shy of either. Our clothes were just in the way and while Gale was trying to talk he can’t hide how ready he is nor can I. But instead of gently pushing me to the ground like usual Gale stops worshipping my breasts and stares up at me, his grey eyes black with want and a mischievous twinkle in them as well as his smirk. I’m about to ask what that is for when I’m surprised into laughter as he takes me off my feet into his arms before half running into the pond while our lips crash into each other again. I’m barely aware of what else is going on until Gale throws me and I’m under water in an instant. I come up choking to throttle him (though I’m not really mad) but he’s nowhere to be found. I look around trying to find him before something grabs my calf and I half scream before I’m pulled under again just to be pulled right back up with hands around my waist from behind. 

From this new angle Gale immediately starts pressing open mouthed hot kisses all along my neck and shoulder while I let out an involuntary noise of desire, pulling his head back up and pressing my lips hard to his in a fiery kiss that could set the whole pond aflame if it could. I turn myself around and twist my legs around his waist and locking myself in place with my feet crossed, lining us up perfectly. Gale doesn’t waste any time now, almost immediately thrusting into me as soon as he gets a glance at my desire in my eyes that are probably just as black as his. We both moan at the contact and begin a slow at first but them much quicker pace right here in the pond and as my first orgasm hits me I feel like I’m swimming in a sea of white hot heat and stars and the pleasure ripples through me like the pond is rippling around me. When I come back to I barely have time to breath before I come again, this time Gale with me. When we finish come back to I don’t let go of my hold on Gale as we catch our breaths, tired but immensely good. When we finally do catch our breaths I look at Gale with a look of something like wander but also with a hint of satisfaction that I so easily avoided that topic I don’t want to talk about yet. He softly kisses my lips as he carries us out of the pond and puts me down carefully. I shiver from the difference in the pond and the air outside though it’s afternoon as well as the lack of contact. Gale looks like he’s going to come and wrap me in his arms but doesn’t and shakes his head at me with a slight smirk on his face. 

“You know we can’t avoid it forever.” He breaks the silence with and I try not to grimace. Yes I do know that but I really don’t want to have it now. 

“We were a little preoccupied to talk.” I remind him and he chuckles at me in a way that makes my skin prickle with want again but I try to refrain from doing anything. I hadn’t really been keeping track of time but judging by the sun I have a feeling we’re going to be late to getting back to District 13. While we took our trackers off probably at least two hundred yards from here if they came looking for us now I’m not entirely sure we could hide what we were actually doing here. Though at least for once I’m quite clean instead of dirty since we were in the pond. For all they know we were just swimming. Swimming in lust and pleasure…

“Like that wasn’t your plan all along.” Gale smiles at me and I roll my eyes but my blush gives me away. He knows it’s the truth; we know each other too well, now in ways I’d never dreamed of. But maybe I can still turn this around. 

“Like you didn’t want it.” I counter with.

“I would have rather talked.” He insists but it’s my turn to laugh at him. Yeah right. Gale, or if I’m honest probably any guy, would never in a million years choose talking over sex. Besides, it’s not like he said it very convincingly…well to me anyway.

“Now who’s the dirty liar?” I mutter as I bend to pick up my clothes but I shriek with laughter as I’m picked up right off my feet again and Gale takes us to the ground, pressing my naked wet body into the mud as he holds me hostage with my hands above my head that he keeps there with one hand and his lips distracting mine as his other hand takes a handful of mud and wipes it onto my stomach and thigh. Once the mud is gone he stops the kiss and his face hovers over mine by inches, a smug smirk clear not only on his lips but in his piercing eyes. 

“Still you.” He whispers before giving me another wanting chuckle and releasing me to go dress himself. I push myself up to my elbows to look at the damage and see that I really am dirty again. I shoot my eyes at his back for making me have to clean up when I was already clean and quickly get myself up and into the pond again to wash the mud away from my body and whatever could have been in my loose hair. After I come out I find Gale dressed and taking in my naked form as I come out, the sun shining on my back and making the water droplets that stuck to me sparkle in the light. His eyes tell me that he clearly doesn’t want to leave yet and continue what we did here today but he knows as well as I do that we’re already late. I don’t even want to know what kind of trouble we might get into but for some reason I don’t care at the moment. 

I attempt to quickly dress though that is easier said than done when you have dry clothing and a wet body. It’s not like I have a towel or anything to dry off on either but I manage and on the way back to where we left our game bags and trackers and shoes I rebraid my wet hair in the silence that follows our quiet footsteps, glad that Gale hasn’t tried to talk on our way back. 

When we get to the gate where soldiers are waiting for us they stop us where we are and don’t open the gates. 

“Are you aware that your allotted time in the forest outside our district has pasted and you are thirty four minutes past it?” one of the guards asks us and we look to each other before I answer. 

“No.” I lie. Well it’s not a complete lie; I knew we were late but not thirty four minutes. I mean really was that necessary? They could have just said about a half hour. 

“May I ask what you were doing to be past your allotted time?” the guard asks us without looking up from the clipboard he’s furiously writing on. What, is he really turning in a report on us? We’re fine, what more do they need to know?

“Swimming.” Gale answers and the guard looks up from his report to take us in, our wet hair and rather clean bodies with our slightly wet grey uniforms and instantly believes us.   
“Very well. Disregard your current schedules and go straight to Command to meet President Coin.” He orders us as he gestures for another guard to open the gate. We silently go through them and once we’re in the building Gale starts laughing under his breath and I hit him in the stomach, desperately trying to push back the thoughts that now accompany his stomach, the smooth skin over the hard muscles and lines just visible and…wow I really need to get a grip. 

“Swimming? You really are a dirty liar.” I shake my head at him but I can’t hide my blushing grin. 

“I’ll take it.” Gale grins back and I have to turn away from his lustful gaze before we do anything rash. Not in here, we can’t. 

Or maybe we can and just hide it, not tell anyone. I do know a few good hiding spots that no one found me in…

Alright, I’m still a dirty liar.


	3. Control

"Katniss…" he half gasps and half moans, clearly enjoying the pleasure I'm currently giving him with my hand, up and down in a sensuous, tempting rhythm. All just for him to say my name like that, to make him feel good. Because I've found what I love almost more than anything from our trysts is the feeling of being in control. To know that I have some sort of power over him. Not in the way that Snow or Coin think (alright, do) have power over people, but in a lustful hormone filled way. Hearing him moan my name in pleasure only makes me want him more. I could listen to it all day.

Taking him in both hands instead of just one like normal emits another moan from him but somehow the power I usually feel from this isn't quite at the level it normally is. I want more. So I go places I've never gone before, lowering my mouth to him and planting a soft kiss on his tip. This alone lets out a surprised and lustful cry from him and I can't help grinning before licking up and down, still going with my hands as well. As he moans my name again and again I can't help but feel intoxicated off of this power. Why would someone ever drink if they could have this? I certainly would choose this. But instead of letting me finish him he roughly pulls my hands off and takes them in his, forcing me to come up as he half pushes, half throws me into the dirty clothes pile before driving right into me. Me, already dripping wet and ready for him because of my want and his moans and him rock hard from my sensuous pleasure for him. It's brings a moan out of me and I half curse myself for it. This was supposed to be my control; I've let it go too easily.

Since we came back late from the woods from our little pond session about a week and a half ago, the laundry room has become our new place when we can't help ourselves any longer. We were sent immediately to Command where Coin demanded to know why we were late to which we gave her and the rest of the audience in the room the same story as the guards. A few (meaning Haymitch) looked skeptical of our explanation but everyone else bought it. I mean really, we were still damp from the pond and it was as good as an explanation as any. While we made it quite clear that we weren't cousins when I gave my demands in turn for being the Mockingjay, some clearly have no idea just how close we really were. They don't know the whole story, haven't even given a second thought apparently to the fact that Gale could really be my…well, lover.

But our punishment was still given swiftly, and since that day our hunting privileges have been revoked. I should be a lot angrier about that than I am but really as long as what we were really doing in the woods could continue I didn't really care too much. After all, the point of me hunting with Gale was to get me better faster. And that happened for sure, just not in the way anyone (including me) expected.

And so that's how we ended up here in the laundry room. The dirty clothing room where chutes delivery dirty dull gray uniforms for washing has become our new place. It has no windows as why would anyone want to look at dirty laundry and it's only done twice a week right after breakfast. As long as we avoid those times we're gold. And we've been quick to take advantage of the abandoned room too. The only person that I know probably realizes what's really going on is Haymitch as he gives us knowing looks every time he sees us together but he doesn't seem as upset as I thought he might. Maybe he's always known that this might happen; after all, he was the first person I told about that kiss in the woods with Gale, and it was him that had to clarify that Peeta was my only option for a happily ever after because of the Capitol. But we're not in the Capitol nor do they have control over us anymore. We're fighting for a new age, one where I can be free. Free to live, free to be safe…

Free to do anyone I choose whenever I'd like.

"Ooo Gale." I moan, my control slipping as my orgasm shoots through me. But he hasn't yet as I let the shakes wear out and I realize with a new sense of energy that screw this, I can take control.

Flipping us over so that I'm on top, I find that I like this new position. I sit up the best I can, Gale clearly not only appreciating the view but seemingly happy to give up his control at the moment. I begin to slowly go up and down, the friction somehow better this way. As Gale moans he closes his eyes before opening them, giving me a desirous dark eyed glance before caressing my breasts and waist and thighs as I pick up the pace, him thrusting up into me as well. When I let out an involuntary moan he gives me a smirk and starts using his fingers to rub the bundle of nerves right above where we're connected, making me almost scream at the intensity it adds.

"Do you like that?" he grumbles and all I can do is gasp and moan yes in return. He keeps doing it and thrusts harder into me, giving me the illusion that I'm in control but I'm really losing it completely. I'm close, so close…

Heat courses through me just before my vision goes and I scream, the pressure that built up turning into crashing waves of pleasure that completely overtake my body, sending me into some depth of pleasure that I didn't think I could. As I come back to I feel him finally come to his and once we're both done I collapse on top of him, keeping us connected. We just breathe hard for a few minutes and try to get our bearings before he lightly caresses the sweaty skin of my back as I'm still getting myself together. Once I do, I press a light possessive kiss on his chest right above his heart, in the process licking up the bead of sweat that resided there. He almost hisses in pleasure before I finally look up to him.

"So do you like being in control?" he questions me in a low almost seductive voice, a sexy smirk gracing his face as he does so. I lean up on him and give him a roll of my eyes.

"Please. You didn't let me have much control." I insist, remembering the way the even if I was setting the pace he still caressed me and rubbed me in a way that I definitely didn't end up having control over my body.

"Sure I did." He replies and I half scoff but I can feel the lust still lingering behind my eyes. Gosh, since when did we fight about stuff like this? It's so not us at all…oh yeah, we started when we began sleeping with each other. Wait, is it sleeping with each other? No, not really I guess. I've never slept in his arms before. But it definitely started right after the sex did.

Not that I'm really complaining.

With a smirk on my face I place one hand right by his face and one to the side, leaning in like I'm going to kiss him. Our lips are about an inch from meeting when I make my move, whipping out one of the dirty clothing items we're laying on and tossing it on his face with a laugh, getting myself up as best I can. He takes it off of him and stares at me, but he doesn't really seem mad at all. Just more like…confused I guess you could say.

"You dirty liar." I state with a quirked eyebrow. He never lets me have control even when he tries because he can't help it. Or I'm just far too willing to allow him to take it from me.

"I'm not dirty." He insists and I have to smile a little. Well at least he's admitting to the liar part I guess. Not that I really mind as much as I should.

"Gale, you know we're in the dirty laundry room, right?" I remind him and he chuckles in a way that make my insides squirm with desire. I should probably get dressed before this escalates again. We do have places to be today after all.

"Yeah. If I'm dirty it's only with you though." He states with a wink and I feel myself go red. Gosh, no one's even around and I still blush at things like that. You would think that I'd be over it by now.

"Come on, we have to go to Command." I state with all the willpower I have, knowing we're probably going to be late to that too. Geez, I used to not be late to anything. I had so much control over my life, feeding my family and getting to school on time. Since the Games I've had even less but it was still there. Now I'm just plan doing this to myself.

Because apparently there are some forms of control I'm more than willing to give up.

He pouts at first, clearly wanting to continue this but in the end nods and we both get dressed and make our way out, checking to make sure that no one's around before coming out. Because really, people would get suspicious if they saw us come out of the dirty laundry room. What purpose could we possibly have in there besides the true one? I guess in a way it's better to avoid than try to lie about that.

As we make our way to Command for some special meeting that Ceaser's having in the Capitol I smell myself and realize that I really do smell like sweat and dirty clothes. But it's too late to change that now. I just hope Gale doesn't smell the same or we may have a bit of a problem. No sooner than we walk in our presence is immediately noted.

"There you are. Where have you two been?" Plutarch questions us. Without looking at each other, I answer my room the same time Gale answers helping Beetee. Neither are true but we figured it's better to state from the beginning that we weren't in the same place. More than just Haymitch seem skeptical at this (maybe we really do smell bad) but no one comments as the television comes on.

Gale drifts over to watch the television as I stay in place, at some point Haymitch coming over. In a low voice he almost whispers,

"You smell like a laundry hamper."

I give him a look before rolling my eyes. "Like you would know what that smelled like." Really, his house smells worse than that. And I can't see him ever doing laundry either.

"What the hell were you doing, rolling around in the dirty laundry room?" he questions me and I almost look away. Because that would be a big fat yes.

"No, I was napping." I insist, lying through my teeth. He stares at me for a moment, hard enough to make me feel uncomfortable but I don't let up on my steely gaze. I can't let him win…even if he's already figured out the truth.

With a pointed look at Gale and then back to me I try to force myself not to blush but I think it still creeps on my face. But I say nothing. I can't.

"What is it Abernathy?" Coin's voice questions and he looks up to her.

"Just giving our Mockingjay words of encouragement." He insists, "She's a little nervous to see the boy."

I do my best not to stare at him in awe and gratefulness because it wasn't necessary or expected of him. He knows what I was really doing in that laundry room. Who too.

Guess Haymitch has joined the dirty liars club.


	4. Tables

I still hate this house; no matter that I lived her for almost an entire year, it will still never be a home. It's blood money, a heavy large ostentatious reminder of what I had to do to be rewarded for it; killing so that I would not be killed in their horrible Hunger Games. But it's not just that, it's all the memories that are connected with this house alone that are just more reasons I despise it; Snow's visit right before the Victory Tour, his threatening and warnings that made me cringe under his vile smell. The place I sat when the announcement for the Quarter Quell was made telling me that I failed in making Snow believe I was head over heels in love despite a wedding proposal (which wasn't real in the first place). The table where Gale laid within an inch of death…

Yeah, so it's pretty safe to say this house is very low on my top places to be list, but it's the place I run now. Away from the district which burned to the ground because of me, away from all the cameras…away from that harsh reminder of the crisscrossed scars which I suppose in a way is all my fault.

I just do what I actually told everyone I was going to do, getting stuff for my mother when I stand up and find Gale leaning on the table where I put the stuff between us before going around to the other side, standing next to him. He doesn't look up, just stares at the table still with his hands spread out wide on them.

"Remember? This is where you kissed me." He says quietly and I stare at him, surprised.

"I didn't think you'd remember that." I reply. Though to be honest I really don't know why he brings it up. We've done far more than kissing by this point after all. A lot more. When he doesn't respond I sigh and walk around the table to stand next to him, waiting for him to say something or even do something. He still doesn't look at me, but by the way I can tell his eyes are glazed over and out of focus I'm pretty sure he's still back in that dark, horrible time when he was almost lost. When I almost lost him.

Eventually he turns his head towards me and gazes into my eyes, the same expression in them that I'm sure was when he wasn't facing me. It takes me by surprise at first but I'm not startled when his fingers come up over my eyebrow and start tracing downwards slowly, so I close my eyes as he finishes his gentle tracing of my faint scar. The scar I got the same day that he received all of those horrible remarks. When he finishes tracing it he keeps his hand there on my cheek and I keep my eyes closed, not wanting to see his expression at the moment. Honestly, I'm scared of what he's thinking.

"You never told me." He finally breaks the silence, his tone so heavy with a slight hint of pain that it breaks me and I finally gaze up to him staring at me. I take a deep breath, but eventually answer.

"I didn't want you to worry." I tell him, though I know probably as well as he does that it isn't the whole truth. To be honest, I wasn't really thinking too much when I stepped in front of him and took that lash from Thread. All I could think is that he was bleeding and unconscious and if I didn't do anything I could lose him. He didn't deserve any of it. I almost did lose him anyway.

But I know what this is really. It didn't matter that I wasn't really thinking, it was the why that he's asking. Why did I do it? Would I have done it for Prim? Of course I would, and to be honest I would have for my mother too. Because I love them. But would I have done it for a stranger? Probably not, or at least not without hesitation. Would I have for Peeta? Honestly, I would love to say yes and I probably would, but I can't say for sure. So what does that imply that I did for Gale without thinking? He's right, I did kiss him as he lie within inches of death on this table that night, and I did think that he's mine and I'm his. But what he's asking is if…I…

This is why I never wanted to talk about what we are doing, the sex and the fooling around. I don't like talking about how I feel and I struggle to even show it let alone say it. I'm guarding myself, yes, but I'm also terrified of what it could mean if I do. For Gale. Do I?

When I finally break out of my heavy thinking I find him still looking at me intensely but there's also something else there, the subtle hint of desire in his eyes that I can see whether we're about to do anything or not. And then I think, maybe it's better to give into it no matter that people are waiting for us to go on the hovercraft back to District 13 I'm sure. I'd rather do instead of think or talk. I'd rather make a much better memory of Gale on this table…

Seeming to read into my new train of thought, Gale first kisses my lips lightly as if he's letting me make sure I want this right now, waiting for me to take it further or not at all. And as I ferociously capture his mouth with mine and push him back into the table with my hands clutching at his shirt I think I actually surprise him, but he doesn't think about it. Good, I don't want to think at all. All I want is for this deep fire coursing through me screaming for sexual attention to keep me going, to be sated.

While our lips and tongues crash into each other I rip the earpiece that has Haymitch on the other side out of my and Gale's ears, tossing them to the side. While I highly suspect Haymitch actually knows what's going on with us, it doesn't mean he wants to hear it. I certainly don't want him too; not anyone ever. Gale rips at the buttons on my shirt, tearing at least two of them that I can vaguely hear drop to the floor but at the moment I really don't care and rip off his own shirt, groping at the skin over his well-defined and more toned muscles from all the training in District 13 as he caresses my breasts, massaging them and turning them into hard peaks in an embarrassingly short amount of time. I can't believe how incredibly ready I am already when not five minutes ago the atmosphere was so heavy, but I'm more than willing to go with it. I go to unzip his pants but he surprises me by flipping me around so my now bare back is against his naked chest, pressing me against his already hard bulge that I can feel through his pants against my lower back. I'm confused at first but then he slips his hand into my pants, under my underwear and begins rubbing me first gently but then in circles as I subconsciously let out a soft moan.

It amazes me how good his hand feels from here, standing up against him so that I can feel how much he wants me. It turns me on even more than before, and I begin to think when did I start thinking this way until his hand slides down a little and while still circling me with his thumb two of his perfect fingers slip inside me and stroke and I stop thinking all together, the primal want and need making me moan and gasp his name over and over in pleasure.

The pleasure builds until it's so much pressure that I know I'm going to come, and no sooner than I think it white heat courses through me and the waves crashing through almost make me collapse from my knees shaking, but Gale uses his other hand to steady me before turning me around again and flipping me around to face him before taking my hips and sitting me on the table. I grab his hair a bit rougher than I mean to but he doesn't seem to mind and bring his lips to mine where I can taste myself on him, sucking it off his tongue as he unzips my pants. I raise myself enough to help him slip them down and push them off, my shoes along with them so that I'm sitting on the table completely naked kissing Gale.

Deciding that he is far too overdressed, I unzip his pants and rip both those and his boxers down, releasing him and realizing that he's already quite ready for me. Stroking it just a few times and finding it already hard, he takes his hands from where they were caressing my back and roughly presses on my inner thighs, opening my legs to him where I am already plenty wet and eager for him.

He doesn't hesitate at all, shoving all of himself into me in one deep hard thrust as we moan together, my legs instantly going around him as he pounds into me over and over in a fast hard rhythm. It's somewhat animalistic and rough but somehow I actually prefer it that way right now, and eventually I stop trying to keep up with his fast and hard pace and just let him go at me, the pleasure rising faster and harder.

Soon I'm right on the edge and I scream his name and tell him to go harder, but he teases me and just stops right in me so that I can feel him deep inside me, almost at the point where I would release and feel that amazing feeling but I can't. I try to press him into me but instead he pulls back, going out of me instead and pushing just barely back in at a slow pace, driving me completely insane.

"Gale!" I yell at him, desperately wanting this teasing to end but he chuckles at me.

"Did you want something Katniss?" he asks me with a smirk, and I know what he wants. He wants me to tell him how much I want him, how much I desperately want him to finish me and make me feel amazing like he somehow always can. And normally I wouldn't give in so easily but I just can't take it.

"Yes Gale! Please fuck me hard!" I scream with desire and need even though it's not like me at all. Thankfully he gives in and I gasp as he goes fast and deep and hard right into me, bringing my lips into a ferocious kiss.

It only takes a few strokes, but I come hard just like I wanted and I can feel myself tighten around him as he comes right after me, our results of our orgasms spilling together. He pulls out and our combined juices run down my thighs and onto the table as he leans over me, both of us catching our breaths.

Once our breathing has calmed down and my heart is finally dropping back to a normal pace, he kisses my scar gently before giving my lips a soft, sweet kiss.

"Thank you." He whispers against my lips as his thumb traces my scar before he sighs and goes to dress himself as I stare at him. I'm honestly surprised he didn't say that he loved me and oddly enough…I find myself disappointed by that. What has gotten into me?

Eventually we get dressed and we put our earpieces back in, me taking the box of stuff for my mother as Gale and I walk in silence back to the group.

"What took so long?" Plutarch's assistant questions us, and Gale's the one who answers.

"We were just looking for something she wanted but we couldn't find it." He tells them, and they all nod and start walking back towards the hovercraft, thankfully believing the lie. Well, all except Haymitch.

He comes over to us and the way he looks between us makes me know for certain that he knows. But he doesn't say anything at first, just looks at us before smirking and rolling his eyes before grumbling something about lies. Gale and I glance to each other as he walks away and the immediate guilt and the feeling of being caught washes over both of us, but I don't think Haymitch will say anything. Or I hope not at least.

The dirty liars need to keep this one a secret for a while after all.


	5. Bed

I never thought I'd say this, but I wish things were back to normal here in District 13. Ever since Peeta's warning on his interview with Caeser that the Capitol was going to bomb us here and we came down to the safe bunkers here (on my and Haymitch's voracious insistence that this wasn't some con, that Peeta really was warning us), I've been bored out of my mind. My mother and Prim are gone much of the time and my only company is that damn cat Buttercup, who now is actually entertaining some of the children down here so I really am alone. And this bunker of ours consists of a bunk bed, a dresser, and a chair; not exactly entertainment worthy stuff in here.

I would ask Gale to come over but he's actually been busy since we got down here. Apparently just because there are bombs raining down on us doesn't mean that Beetee gets a vacation from working, and that means Gale doesn't really have one either. And I can't take Gale from that, not when it's one of the only things he actually can do to help which I know he's always wanted to do.

And so all I can do is worry or sleep. Worry about Peeta who was tortured before my eyes for warning us on his interview, for what they are doing to him before and now, about how we absolutely need to get him out of there and I don't know why we haven't yet. But I've done a lot of worrying today already so now I do the only other thing; sleep. Or at least try to anyway. My nap doesn't ever really come, I'm just in that half sleeplike state for a while trying to let my mind go blank when my hunters senses pick up on the door opening and closing quietly.

At first I think it's just Prim or my mother and they are being extra quiet because they think I'm sleeping, but when a large for barely fits themselves into the small bed with me I know who it is without opening my eyes. I'd know them anywhere.

"What are you doing?" I murmur without opening my eyes. It's strange, but even though we've had sex too many times to count I don't think I've ever been in a bed with him. But it's not particularly weird or anything, it's actually…kind of nice. I feel almost like he could keep me safe in his arms while I slept, keep away the nightmares and worries much like Peeta could. Maybe with him here I can actually drift off into a deep dreamless sleep for the first time in a long time.

"Visiting." He answers me, and I think that he's going to leave it like that but when I feel his lips gently on mine I sense that he has a very different plan in mind than I do. Not that my plan would probably be much better than his. If Prim or my mother walked in on us sleeping in the same bed it would be awkward for sure but at least we could write it off as innocent. But what he has in mind I'm sure…well let's just say there aren't many ways to lie around that if we got caught. It's not like it's a very big room.

"We can't." I whisper as I hold his face just enough away from mine, finally opening my eyes to find his almost…pleading? I mean it has been like three days but this is ridiculous. Not that I can deny I want it too, but at least I'm being practical.

"Why?" he frowns, and I sigh when I see the hurt in his expression. He thinks I don't want it, which is ridiculous.

"Because we're in a bunker with very thin walls and people on both sides. And because Prim or my mother could walk in at any second." I explain, and he gives me a smirk.

"They're busy, and they will be for a while. I stopped by the hospital area on my way." He informs me as I quirk an eyebrow. Did he now? He must really want it then.

"There's still the other people." I protest, but it's weak. I'm trying to fight the complete desire he's gazing at me with but I know I'm fighting a losing battle, despite all rationality.

"We'll just have to be quiet then." He whispers before locking his lips with mine in a sweet, sensuous kiss and all resistance stops on my part, irrationally giving in even though this is potentially dangerous.

And we're as quiet as we can be, hands caressing instead of groping and the soft moans emitted from us swallowed by each other's kisses, a slow and deep desire building in me as we continue. It's so different from every other time somehow. I don't know if it's the bed or the need to be quiet or something else, but something in me feels different. Not a bad different though; quite the opposite actually. I'm thoroughly enjoying this, the slowness, the passion rising and yet containing the noise.

Eventually Gale rolls himself on top of me to hover above me with his elbows keeping him up, the bed barely creaking at the movement. As his lips and tongue dance their way down my shoulder he moves aside my undershirt to kiss my shoulder, as I got into bed with only that and my pants. My hands go underneath his shirt to caress his smooth warm stomach and chest muscles before coming down to the hem and gently pulling it out of the way, his lips leaving me just long enough for it to come off before they come back down on mine in a sweet kiss as his hands caress my breasts, massaging them beneath my shirt. As I moan softly he glides his hands and the shirt up my body, taking it off me so that we are both exposed from the waist up now, our hands not shy in our worshipping of naked skin.

As he rains kisses back down my neck he unbuttons my pants as well as his own and we each slide our own off under the covers before he gently slides into me with no warning, but I don't mind. He was already ready and I was somehow more than ready for him. We keep it quiet like we have to, a slow and passionate pace going that builds the pleasure at a surprisingly intense rate while our tongues dance a sensuous tango, hands exploring or tugging hair gently enough so that little noise can be heard.

As I feel myself on the brink as the pace gets a little faster I emit a moan with Gale's name as a warning to him while he fiercely captures my lips to steal the noise as I gasp into him, waves of deep pleasure crashing over me before I feel him come with me, his body shuddering as he collapses on top of me before rolling to the side, taking me with him so that we're still connected.

That had to be the best I've ever felt doing this, and I think I finally know what's different about it. It's not the being quiet or the danger of being heard or found, it's…something else. There wasn't any playing or teasing, no dirty talk or lust. This was a deep, passionate desire that stirs something far within me. It's not sex…this is what making love is.

And while that scares me to admit it, I can't find it in myself to mind at the moment. Irrationally I think that as long as neither of us say what this really is then we can just pretend that this was really not that different than any other time, that we can just go on like we have been. But I can't help myself and without thinking kiss his chest gently before nuzzling my face into it, hearing and feeling his heart slow down against my face while he strokes my hair, the silence actually nice and peaceful.

But I'm so tired now, well worn out despite it being slower and I think I actually could nap now. Which means that Gale definitely can't be here because that would be my plan from the beginning, but so much worse. Because while it would be one thing to find us in bed clothed, it's an entire other thing to find us completely naked under the thin covers, quite clear exactly what we had been doing.

Luckily he seems to sense this and with a kiss to my temple he gently gets out of the bed and redresses while I find my shirt and pants, lazily slipping them back on without even bothering to get out of bed. Once I feel myself drifting off I sense yet another soft kiss on my lips and a hand caressing my hair. I think he thinks I'm asleep and I'm honestly almost there, but I don't miss what he whispers in the air.

"Sweet dreams Katniss." He says quietly. "I wish I could tell you I love you but I don't know how you'd react now."

I don't even know how to respond to that so I pretend to be asleep, not wanting to answer. Because honestly, I don't know how I would. The last thing I hear is him sigh as his hand leaves my head and I'm out like a light before the door even clicks shut, drifting off into the dreamless sleep I so craved not half an hour ago.

"Katniss wake up!" I hear Prim's voice call to me, far chirpier than I would expect under the circumstances. Opening my eyes one at a time to adjust to the light, I find my little sister smiling down on me as I prop myself up on my elbows.

"Hey Prim, what's up?" I murmur, the last moments of sleep leaving me as I become more aware.

"Just wanted to tell you that they think that we'll be able to get out of here tomorrow." She informs me and it brings a true grin out of me. Finally.

"Good. I'm so bored down here." I exclaim and she giggles slightly.

"Is that why you've been sleeping a lot?" she asks me and I nod.

"Pretty much. That and worrying." I admit to her. I feel bad that I haven't really been a big sister to her lately, always being their stupid Mockingjay or doing…things with Gale.

"Well it's natural to be worrying." She nods slightly, and there's a moment of silence. "Is it Peeta?"

"Mostly." I agree.

"Is it because you love him?" she asks me quietly, studying me. I almost choke because to be honest I don't know how I feel, and I tell her just as much. "I wish I knew what love was. That's why I was hoping you did." She informs me, and I quirk an eyebrow at her. Prim wants to know about love? That's news to me.

"And why is that? Is there a boy?" I question her, and she looks down with a furious blush before nodding. "Who?" I ask, generally curious now.

"Rory." She answers as a whisper and my eyes go wide though I don't know why I'm so surprised. I really should have seen that coming.

"Well I don't really know what love is and I never really wanted it, but you will certainly get it with Rory or whoever else you want." I predict with a warm smile as she looks up at me.

"You don't ever want it? You never want to get married or anything?" she asks me and I shake my head.

"No."

"What about Peeta? I know he loves you and you said you didn't know what you felt. And you already agreed to marry him." She protests and I sigh.

"That's a long story Prim, but no, I never wanted that with him." I acknowledge and she goes quiet for a moment before studying me curiously.

"What about Gale?"

Oh god, I should have seen that coming. My heart begins racing but I somehow keep my face clear of any panic as I answer her. "What about him?"

"You spend a lot of time together. I just thought…" she explains, but I cut her off before she can even say it because I don't want to go there. Not when I'm still confused over what happened in this bed hours ago.

"Prim, we're best friends. You know that." I tell her. Well, I guess that's true enough still.

"So you're saying that you've never kissed or anything?" she asks me, and I can't even hide the blush that creeps violently on my face while my heart goes a mile a minute. Crap.

"We've kissed." I admit, but she doesn't really looked surprised to my surprise.

"And?" she questions me, but I know I have to stop this interrogation before she finds out just how much of a…well I don't really know what I am, but nothing good for her to know.

"And nothing. We kissed once and that's it, nothing more. We're just friends." I flat out lie, but I can't hid the slight annoyance that creeps into my voice that hides the panic I really feel.

"Alright." She replies, luckily dropping the subject. But I feel so dirty, lying to my own sister about Gale and I though I guess it's for her own good. If we weren't going to let the neighbors hear us, then my baby sister definitely doesn't need to hear the truth. That I'm a dirty, slightly sex obsessed liar who can't figure out her own feelings. Yeah, much better to keep her in the dark.

I think.


	6. Hospital

Well if that isn't something to make me feel hurt and stupid, I don't know what is. I sort of lost it I guess you could say when Cressida filmed me telling the story of how I met Peeta outside once the bombs stopped, and they finally went to rescue him and the others. But it wasn't the bread story and it wasn't the bombs that made me lose it, it was my little sister's wise comment that Snow would do anything it took to break me. What would break me? Him torturing Peeta because of me, because he wanted me to know it was happening because of me? Peeta was the only person he has that I care about and for some reason that just made me lose it.

And so a team went to rescue them…Gale of course being the first volunteer as Haymitch told me eventually after trying to get around it. Gale, who I hurt countless times despite doing well…things with him for a while now. Gale, who did this mission only because of me. It makes me feel so guilty, so mad at myself for this. It's truly a testament that he actually loves me, but I just wish I could show him how I feel for him. I don't know if it's…well that, but it's certainly something. I wouldn't have ever slept with him if I didn't feel anything. If I didn't trust him. If I never really wanted to hurt him like I obviously did.

And so I waited with Finnick for hours for them to come back, and when I found Gale first injured but alive I was so relieved that I ran towards his room but a nurse shut it almost in my face, obviously indicating that I was certainly not welcome in that room even though I desperately wanted to be. I even tried the knob, but to my annoyance it was already locked and with a sigh I turned and ambled along to find Peeta. Peeta, who woke up and ran towards me and I thought he was going to kiss me. I wondered if it would feel the same as the beach in the Quarter Quell, or how I felt when I was doing things with Gale. I wondered if it was just a Gale thing or if anyone could make me feel that way. But instead of a kiss he tried to kill me, choking me much to my surprise before Boggs slung at him and knocked him out before I collapsed to the floor gasping for air, in complete shock and horror.

The boy who claimed to love me before he even really knew me just tried to kill me.

And so now I'm here, in this dang hospital bed with my neck bruised up good and a morphling tube hooked up in my arm, on strict orders not to speak or even try to. While the morphling is supposed to take away the pain and I guess it does, it's only for the physical pain right now. I wish there was anything else to take the pain away, and with that thought I drift off to sleep.

The next time I wake it's very dim in the hospital, indicating that it's probably nighttime but I'm so out of it that I don't really care. It takes a second (maybe because of the morphling), but I sense someone sitting in the bed facing me, their hands sending chemical vibrations up my arm as their fingers gently stroke my wrist to my shoulder before resting on my hand, smoothing their thumbs on my knuckles.

"Why would you do that?" I croak out once I realize who it is, lightly hitting him on his shoulder with my pathetic amount of strength for the moment. I'm not mad at what he's doing now (quite the opposite in fact), but I know he knows what I'm talking about. As in why the heck he would go off on that mission and make me worried sick about not only Peeta but him.

"Shh, you're not supposed to talk." He reminds me, but I just shake my head the best I can trying not to wince at the pain from the bruises on my neck.

"Gale-"

"Shh, it's alright." He claims, but I glare at him and open my mouth to tell him it's most certainly not alright when he brings his hand up to cover my mouth gently, trying to force me not to talk like I've been ordered. Or just because he knows it hurts me to talk. So instead of talking I shake my head, my eyes again asking him the question I asked before though I doubt he can see them too well in this light. He sighs before bringing the hand from my mouth to my cheek, his thumb caressing my scar from that lash lightly instead of answering right away.

After a few minutes of silence I'm starting to drift off and I think that he's not going to answer my question, but with a heavy sigh he finally answers me.

"You know why Katniss." He informs me quietly, and the guilt immediately takes over again, washing over me and filling me completely and suddenly I feel even more stupid than before. Of course I know why he did it; he did it for me. Because he loves me. And I idly think why he doesn't just say it, because this is the closest he's come since he said it the first time. Well, out loud to me when I'm conscious anyway (or at least he doesn't think I am). And maybe it's because…he's waiting for me to say it. And by his sigh and not meeting my eyes in the dim light, I can tell that he thinks that…I never will. That all we've done means nothing to me. And it doesn't, he's wrong. It very much means something to me but I'm horrible with words. I'm not ready to say that. I don't even know if that's what I really feel.

But maybe I can show what I feel, since I'm not technically allowed to speak anyway. Maybe that's a good thing after all. So with that in mind, I gently take his hand which is still resting on my cheek and press his palm to my lips, making him finally look at me with something other than…well I don't really know how to describe it, but something between hurt and pain. Now he's curious, but I'm nowhere near done.

Dropping his hand, I never take my eyes off of his as my hand goes onto his thigh and inches toward the middle, my destination. He draws in a breath as he realizes what I'm doing but doesn't stop me, not even when I unzip his pants and slip my hand in, feeling him warm and silky beneath my fingers. It's not until I begin massaging it that he takes my wrist and speaks.

"Katniss…" he breaks the silence with a tone of warning, telling me without saying it that this is dangerous. That we're in a hospital in the middle of the night, possibly with other people on the other sides of these curtains. But I don't care, I just want to show him what he means to me and since I can't very well leave this bed without alerting anyone, he's just going to have to be quiet. Like I have to.

So shaking my head and bring my other hand to his cheek to make him look at me, my eyes pleading with him to go along with it he sighs and gives in, allowing me to continue without further warning or protest (not that I think he really wants to protest anyway) and with a smirk I pull him out so that I can more easily please him.

Never taking my eyes off of his face the entire time, one of my hands strokes him softly at first while the other one plays with him, lightly pinching or pressing, massaging. I can tell he's trying desperately to hold in his gasps and moans of pleasure and it gives me more confidence, giving me that feeling I love of being in control once again and I instantly feel better. He involuntarily lets out a rather loud gasp in the quiet of the hospital that I give him a warning look, but since I can tell by the way he's turning to steal in my hand he's close I decide to end it quicker by quickly stroking him hard with both hands, and he lets out another gasp as he comes onto my hands, trying to hide his panting.

As he catches his breath I smile at him as I lick my hands, greedily sucking his bitterness off of them as his breath catches again at my rather dirty gesture and actions before he smirks, taking my hands away from my mouth to kiss my lips deeply, laying my head back against the pillow on the bed as he does so. When he finally pulls away and just stares at me, he shakes his head slightly with a soft chuckle.

"You know, sometimes I don't think I'll ever understand you." He murmurs, to which I give him a look of confusion. What's that supposed to mean? Gale understands me better than anyone, maybe more than I do myself on occasion. In answer to my confusion he gives me a half grin before a light peck on my forehead, his hands lightly brushing the scars on my neck as he does so.

"Goodnight Catnip." He whispers, and with that he slips off the bed and leaves me even more confused than before. But I don't have much time to think about it before the morphling forces me to drift off into unconsciousness once again…

When I wake up next I half believe that Gale coming to my area here in the hospital was a morphling induced dream, but the strange stickiness on my hands tells me otherwise. Did I really just do that? What has gotten into me? Under no circumstances would that have been the way I showed someone how much they meant to me just mere months ago, but I did it on my own accord and without provocation last night. Heck, he even tried to stop me and I insisted. I liked it. Maybe he's right; sometimes he can't understand me because I don't even understand me myself sometimes.

In the middle of my musing, Johanna Mason of all people come into my room and she just smirks at me as she takes the morphling out of my bag and connects it to her arm.

"Hey." I protest, but it comes out as a croak and very weak. She just smirks bigger and chuckles.

"They've been weaning me off of it, but I figured you owed me."

I'm about to take it out of her arm but stop myself when my hand gets two inches from her, staring down and finding a small bit of what I failed to lick off last night still stuck on me. Pulling my hand back fast and hiding it under the covers so Johanna doesn't see, she looks at me strangely.

"What was that for?" she asks me, clearly suspicious and not because I tried to take the morphling back. She gazes where I'm hiding my hand before her questioning face comes back to me.

"You're right." I finally decide on, even though I don't actually think she is entirely. I guess she did save me in a way but her method was less than pleasant. Unfortunately she doesn't buy it, but rolls her eyes.

"Whatever brainless."

And I'm about to say something about the brainless too, but I let it go just this once. Because Johanna Mason is anything but naïve, and I have a feeling she could catch on just as fast as Haymitch did if not faster. Heck, she probably already does half suspect something weird is going on with me, so I decide to just keep my mouth shut for now. No need for Johanna freaking Mason to know I'm a dirty liar by me, right?


	7. Knots Part I

"He's doing alright, but it ain't like it's gonna be an easy ride." Haymitch informed me, since I refused to stay in District 13 any longer. Not after my meeting with Peeta a few days after I recovered from the injuries he amazingly gave me, they tell me that it was from the hijacking but it still hurt. Not when I had to talk to such a…different Peeta. Not the kind, loving, bread boy that I know, but a rather cold, sarcastic and far more realistic person who finally sees me for who I am. Or at least a part of it anyway.

"Alright." I sighed in response, knowing that it might not matter anyway. I had a feeling that the old Peeta was gone for good no matter what they did. My mind was drifting away back to all the recent events with Peeta when I caught Haymitch mumbling something.

"Not that you want him anymore." He mumbled, and I froze before my voice turned to one of confusion and…guilt?

"What's that supposed to mean?" I asked, and by the pause on the other side I could tell that Haymitch didn't mean for me to have heard that.

"Why would the boy matter anymore?" He eventually answers, and my mouth drops open in shock. Is he reallybasically impling that I don't still care for Peeta?

"You're wrong. I do still care about Peeta." I assure him vehemently.

"More than Hawthorne?" he ventured to ask, and with flamed cheeks I decided that the conversation was over and slammed down on the off button. I don't want to think about it because I still don't know what I really feel, let alone talk about it to Haymitch of all people. Because what he's implying is that I don't really care about Peeta anymore because of the…activities I've done with Gale in the past few months. It's actually the first he's really brought it up or tried to get me to talk about it, but if I talk to anyone about it then it certainly won't be Haymitch. No way, no how.

So still fuming, I left to go hunting here in the woods of District 2, the unsuspecting geese almost too easy, not enough of a challenge at all for my rage and guilt at the moment. So to get out the frustration, I pull just a bit harder than necessary when I take off the feathers of the birds that I took down, and it makes me feel slightly better. But I'm not only angry and guilty, I feel a little…well lonely I guess you could say. I don't actually understand it because usually I'm perfectly fine being on my own, but it's hunting without my hunting partner (despite how incredibly easy it was taking the flocks down) and…well, I haven't seen him in two weeks. I hate to say it, but I'm craving a much different type of company than I used to now, one that only Gale could seemingly solve (or at least the only person I'd let solve it). I've been so tired all the time but I still feel the need for it, and maybe that's another reason I'm feeling so angry. Relying on someone else for something isn't like me, and on that I am.

But no sooner am I thinking it than I sense a presence, and they come behind me and the hairs on the back of my neck stand up and tingle but since I know only one person could so silently come up to me I end up smiling down at the goose that I'm pulling feathers out of, feeling ridiculous thinking it but it's almost like I had a wish granted or something at the moment. He strokes my braid before coming and sitting next to me before taking an unplucked bird from the pile and begins working while I stop and stare at him incredulously.

"Why are you here?" I finally break the silence, but it's not accusatory. More like…well I guess happy at the surprise. I had told him to stay behind with Beetee because he was more needed there than just being with me in District 2, but it was more because I needed time to wrap my head around the Peeta thing and with him there it would be enormously difficult because I reluctantly admitted to myself that I would be doing things with him that would most certainly not help me wrap my head around the new Peeta. But it's been too long now, I think the longest we've gone without anything since this whole 'fooling around' thing started and the electrifying need to have him, to take control and get my way is taking over every sense I have at the moment, but it's actually a welcome thing. Maybe it can get my mind off things after all.

"Beetee sent me and a few others to help with the Nut." He claims, but I can tell from the hunger in his eyes too that it's most certainly not the only reason he came. Good, at least we're on the same page.

"Oh." I nod in response, and we sit in silence as I try to come up with any way that we can satisfy what I believe is both of our incredible need at the moment. Normally I'd be perfectly fine with just doing it right here and now but since it's late afternoon there are actually people that come around this place every so often, so that's definitely out.

When we finally bring the birds back and it's early evening, I suggest that Gale and I do some night hunting to them because there are more people here and we could use more food, and with their permission we pack a light backpack and I slip in a rope with a smirk to myself. While I was trying to think of something a rather…well not disturbing I guess, but definitely dirty thoughts entered my head, and I know that I'm most certainly not going to use this rope for snares, that's for sure. Or at least the normal kind anyway.

But I'm patient, waiting for the right moment. When I actually begin hunting with my bow I inwardly smirk at Gale's slight disappointment, him thinking that this was simply a way for us to be alone. And it is, but I want to take him by surprise. I'm the hunter waiting for my prey at the exact right moment; I've waited two weeks, I can wait a few hours more. Because what I really desire at the moment is control, which I can't seem to have in any other aspect of my life at the moment. Complete control.

As the night goes on and we catch a few nocturnal animals in the full moonlight, I can sense Gale trying to hide his frustration and for some reason it makes me happy. Honestly, I'm surprised that he hasn't just done something yet because while I do have some self-control to wait right now, I have a feeling I would rather willingly give in almost immediately if he did despite my plans. But he doesn't and when he rests on the ground against a tree I go around the tree and begin tying knots in the rope, looping it around the tree as I come around it and keeping it in my hands above Gale's head as I kneel over his lap facing him with a smirk on my face, and the way his eyes light up in lust makes me almost lose all restraint I have. But I don't have time to think about it as he almost roughly takes my face in his hands and presses his mouth to mine deeply, making me almost lose all concentration as I kiss him back.

But I don't completely give in, and I take his hands in mine and bring them up to the tree as if I don't want them on me quite yet, but it's really because I've left the rope up near there with a hole I can slip his hands in, pulling it tight to keep him in place. When I fumble with it keeping his lips busy, he goes tense when I pull the slip closed over his wrists and I smirk at him.

He looks up incredulous and almost confused to where he's tied to the tree before his eyes come to mine in complete lust and desire, and he chuckles under his breath.

"What's this?" he questions me, an almost sexy smirk in place as I smirk deeper before roughly beginning to unbutton his shirt.

"Me ensnaring you." I decide to answer coyly, but all it does is make him glance over me in a way where I know he's undressing me in his mind but he physically can't, which is what I actually want at the moment. I want to control this and me alone for once. I want complete control.

"That's a dirty move, Catnip." He laughs as he struggles with the bonds and I smirk back at him.

"I never said it wasn't." I reply finally, and resume my task, Gale shutting up and letting me do exactly what I want.

First I resume unbuttoning his buttons, licking and biting each new piece of skin revealed as I do until the whole thing is unbuttoned, and I inwardly groan at myself for not taking the shirt off before I tied him. But even though I know it's his only shirt and it could be potentially dangerous to keeping this a secret, I decide that I don't care and end up ripping it off much to Gale's surprise. Now completely shirtless, I gently scratch at his chest while gently biting and sucking my way up his neck and jaw before almost coming to his lips which I know is what he wants, but skip them and go back down, to which gets a groan from him that makes me feel…well, powerful I guess you could say. And it's only giving me more and more confidence, more drive to take this as slow as I want, teasing him all the time to make up for all the times he teased me.

And tease him I do, licking around his nipples (more because I'm curious than anything) and belly button, making him gasp and moan my name in the moonlight in the forest as I go. My fingers graze the waist of his pants the whole time, sometimes dipping underneath them and going none too far. I know I'm driving him absolutely insane but I like it, and pretend to unbutton his pants at least three times before I actually do before going down to take off his hunting boots slowly, making this painfully pleasurable for him as much as I can.

The teasing is far more fun than I ever thought it would be, so I decide to take it a step further and slowly take off my shirt and bra, playing with my own breasts right while I sit on his lap, making him watch. I can feel him growing hard beneath me and I grind against him lightly which makes him hiss with need but all I do is smirk. But he doesn't say anything about the teasing, not until I take off everything of mine before finally ripping off his pants and boxers, finding him almost ready for me already. Strangely enough though all I've done is tease him, I find myself dripping wet and I think it might be because all of this playing around and controlling everything has turned me on completely and I can feel myself throbbing at the need for him. But I don't even give into myself quite yet, still relishing the fact that I can play with him more and he can't do a thing about it.

So with that in mind, I gently stroke him with one finger, going up and down and around as he hisses and groans again before finally screaming my name and to just fuck him, which only drives me to do the opposite, to go slower despite my desire to do just what he asked. So instead, I slowly add more fingers until it's my whole hand before stopping and just smirking at him, another idea coming to mind. What if I…put my mouth there like he's done to me? Though I don't actually know what I'm doing, I start easy, a gentle kiss to the top which makes him moan before I take him in my mouth, slowly going further.

If my hands could get him excited, it was nothing compared to this. I can tell by the way he's throbbing in my mouth that this is turning him on, far more than my hand ever could as he turns to steal before I pull out, grinning at him and just sitting there while he's perfectly ready for me, grinding against his thigh.

"Please Katniss!" he screams, squeezing his eyes shut and struggling with the knots again but I just snicker.

"Did you want something?" I ask him, and without opening his eyes he moans.

"Yes please, I need you!"

And before he can even finish the sentence, I finally give in and slip him into me, both of us moaning at finally getting what we both desperately needed. But since he's tied up and I'm sitting on top of him quite literally, I get to set the pace. I get the control.

And so I start a slow pace, feeling him against me where I'm actually kind of tight from the lack of anything in the past few weeks as the friction from my chest rubbing against his with every movement makes me moan with desire, my lips finally finding his as I go up and down, my hands groping and scratching against his chest and shoulders as we go faster, me literally riding him into an orgasm, the white heat making me stop as I shudder and I can half sense him come right in the middle of my orgasm before I collapse against his chest, still having him in me as I catch my breath.

"Well who knew you were such a dirty girl?" Gale finally asks with a chuckle, and I smirk at him.

"I've always been a dirty girl." I reply cheekily, but this only makes him laugh harder, the vibrations of his chest against mine making me shudder with desire again but I'm completely exhausted so I know I won't really do anything about it. Not now anyway. Teasing and taking control is actually a lot of work it turns out, but totally worth it.

"Yeah, a dirty liar." He grins before kissing my lips which were already within his reach deeply before I pull away, standing up. But my legs feel weak from kneeling all that time and the aftereffects of the orgasm, so I quickly sit down and get dressed before laying my head on Gale's legs.

"Aren't you going to untie me?" he asks me as I begin drifting off. After thinking about it for a second, I decide that my control can still last even when I'm not awake. And then I can do more in the morning when I wake up.

"Nope." I reply with a smile without opening my eyes, and fall asleep quickly with dirty thoughts in my head for the morning. This taking control thing is fun, that's for sure.


	8. Knots Part II

When I wake up, the first thing I can sense without even opening my eyes is a fire crackling somewhere nearby where the chill of the night air is held bay even if it's just a little bit. The only reason I can sense that it's still night is because there isn't sun or light creeping beneath my eyelids, but that's alright. My thoughts come flooding back at the reminder and I think of Gale still tied up at my mercy, waiting for whatever I want to do to him.

With this thought in mind, I smile to myself and try to rub my eyes to wake myself up even more but feel a strange tug on my wrists, where they're curled up to me together for warmth but not moving from each other. Why is that? And wait a minute…we never lit a fire. Which means…

With that thought in mind my eyes fly open, taking in the scene that is far different from the one I fell asleep to. A fire is really crackling away in the moonlight maybe six feet away from me, and I'm on the ground. Unclothed. My hands tied together.

"Gale!" I scream into the nighttime forest, angry because really there is no other person who would do this (besides the fact that I don't see him). But then I think…what if someone found us? His ripped shirt is by my face, still there but he isn't. He isn't tied up like I left him.

So what if he was taken or something? What if someone from District 2 found out and saw…well, us. Are they going to tell everyone? Is this going to be incredibly awkward and horrible for me? Are people going to hate me because they think he's my cousin and I'm already married to Peeta? Or worse, what if they brought him to Snow? The very thought makes me shudder and in a panic I call his name again.

"Did you really think you could beat me at my own game?" a low seductive voice chuckles and I glance up to find Gale obviously shirtless but with his pants and boots back on, a wickedly sexy smirk gracing his face as he crouches down next to me. All the panic and worry immediately disappears, as he wouldn't be here saying that if there was any danger. No, I'm just tied up and naked because Gale decided it would be fun. To get me back for what I did earlier.

"What? But you-" I protest, but he cuts me off with a grin and a roll of his eyes.

"Who do you think taught you that knot? You don't think I knew how to get out of it?" he reminds me and all of a sudden I feel stupid. Did I really think I could outplay the snare boy with his own choice hunting technique? Yes, but I also didn't think he'd be able to get out of it. Or at least not so quickly.

"You knew how? Then why didn't you before?" I question him, struggling against my own bonds and frowning to myself. Of course he would tie it better than I would, and I don't even recognize this knot let alone know how to get out of it.

"Because I've never seen you like that before and it was hot, so I thought I'd let you do whatever you wanted." He reveals and I blush slightly. Yeah, I guess I was acting a little different, but I'd been going stir crazy without anything for that long so I guess I sort of…well wasn't acting myself. But he said that he could get out of it and he obviously did, and suddenly it dawns on me.

"You let me?"

With a smug smirk, he replies, "Yep."

Well that just makes me feel even stupider. And here I thought that I was in total control when really he could have probably untied himself minutes after being bound. It's nice of him to let me have it but it still annoys me that it wasn't because he had to but because he liked it. I'll definitely have to find a different way to do it then I guess. One that doesn't require knots or ropes.

You know, assuming I can get out of this one first.

Gale leans down over me and my breath catches in my throat as he nibbles on my ear lightly before whispering, "You know it's not all that bad. I could show you."

I already know I'm going to give in (not like I exactly have a choice) but I still find it in me to protest a little. "I don't believe you."

In response he laughs against my cheek before whispering again, "You will."

And with that, all speaking ceases and Gale begins whatever torture he has planned for me, starting with wet kisses and bites on my neck as I can't help the moans that come out of me, squeezing my eyes shut and squirming not only against him where he's pressing me down into the forest floor but against the ropes. And for the umpteenth time I realize that I'm never going to get out of this knot by myself and I stop fighting that, giving into whatever it is he has planned. Because I'm already on fire, the heat coursing through my veins and the crackling fire near us and Gale's toned warm body already making me sweat despite the chill in the night air, and I allow myself to be submissive. Because if this is just the beginning I (guiltily) can't wait to see where it ends up.

Since I'm already naked, he takes no time in caressing each and every part of me and yet it seems torturous in how slow he goes as I moan and gasp his name over and over. His hands explore my body shamelessly as his lips and tongue tease my neck, shoulders, and chest, touching every single part of my body except the ones I want him to most. He goes down and down my chest but skips my breasts which makes me groan because they are tingling already in anticipation of his hands and mouth even as he licks around my belly button, making me gasp in strange delight. But I'm squirming and even with my tied hands I try to make him go up or down to the places I need attention most, using it to advantage as I slip my joined wrist around his neck and try to push him down. But to my utter exasperation he stops all together, clearly stronger than I am and laughs.

"Patience Katniss." He grins as he takes my wrists from around his neck and pulls them over my head, taking another piece of rope and tying my hands above me to the tree so that I'm completely helpless in trying to get him to do what I want.

"I'm not patient." I protest, which only makes him laugh harder. While it's a lie in almost every sense because a hunter needs patience almost above all else to get the rewards, I am most certainly not patient when it comes to this. The teasing is fun to a point but he's taking this teasing to a whole new level, torturing me with the want and throbbing desire to just have him already while he takes his sweet damn time. Because I'm the one tied up now and I can't do anything about it.

"I promise I'll make it worth it." he murmurs to my lips before capturing my mouth in a sensuous kiss, finally giving me something to ease off the desperate need. But then he leaves it again and his lips to my delight go to my breasts, licking and gently biting one while his hand rolls the nipple of the other, his other hand grazing over my lower lips which are literally throbbing for more as I groan and moan his name, yelling at him to please please do more but he doesn't. Until…until…

In an instant, his fingers have entered me and I gasp at the effect as they quickly go in and out of me while my hips try to go in the same pace, making him go further into me. And I'm so close, on the very edge when he pulls his fingers out of me and kneels over my stomach, smirking at me as he licks his fingers dripping with me while I watch him half turned on and half outrageously annoyed that he didn't finish me on purpose. But then he leaves a quick trail of kisses down my chest before lifting my thighs onto his shoulders, and I'm instantly confused until I feel his tongue on me and it's almost more than I can take. If I thought I was throbbing with need before it's nothing compared to this, especially when he continues licking and sucking and kissing me when two fingers enter me, and it's almost embarrassing how quickly I lose it, entering finally my first orgasm which rips through me, leaving me half blind in the moonlight as I come back to reality.

But I'm not senseless, and the first thing I can feel again is tasting myself on Gale's lips as he gives me a hard kiss, allowing me to suck myself off of him for a minute before I realize that somewhere along the way his pants and shoes have come off and no sooner have I noticed than he's rubbing against me, our hips grinding together but he refuses to enter. I scream and scream for him to do so but he refuses still, leaving wet kisses and smirks on my neck as I do so.

And then he goes in slowly and I think the teasing is over, but apparently it's not. He goes in about halfway only to come back out again and again, driving me completely and utterly insane with want and desire. In a way I want to kill him because this is nothing compared to the teasing I did, but that wouldn't do me any good because for one I just need him to end the teasing and give me another explosive orgasm but I physically can't do anything but squirm against my bonds.

But he still doesn't give in, and pulls out and crawls up my body as I frown and huff.

"I'm going to kill you." I mutter to which he only laughs at me, because he knows exactly how much control he has. He loves it. And to be honest, I wouldn't mind so much if I could do anything about it.

I sense him pull at a rope and my wrists are still bound but they're no longer tied to the tree. As he helps me stand up to my confusion I'm embarrassed to say how hard it is to stand on my own for all that my desperate need has taken over me. To my surprise he ducks his head under my wrists so we're in the same position we were before except standing up, and squeezes my butt lightly which makes me strangely tingle with want before lifting me easily, and my legs instictly wrap around his waist as he holds me up above the ground.

His mouth takes mine and while I'm distracted by deep hard passionate kisses that never seem to cease he backs me up into the tree, my back scratching against the bark but I don't really care. I care even less when he finally, finally enters me completely, setting a hard fast pace and making me pant and lose my breath as I attempt to keep up with him, our hips pounding against each other and with every movement the friction from the tree on my back and my chest against his making me lose it. I already lose it once and see stars but Gale keeps going at his relentless pace and once I realize that we're not stopping I pick up the pace again, Gale coming before I do once again and he finally lets my thighs go, my legs coming to the ground. I'm actually grateful for the bonds that hold my wrists together around his neck because if I thought I couldn't stand before it's nothing compared to the almost collapse I have now, where my legs feel like jelly from the multiple orgasms and spasms from this rough teasing and sex. With one gentle kiss to my lips Gale glides us down to the ground, taking my hands again and releasing the knot, allowing my hands to be free. But I'm too exhausted to do anything now and lean against the tree trying to get my bearings as Gale just smirks at me, the fire of passion still lingering in his eyes as they devour my panting naked form.

"What?" I finally break the silence, and he simply raises a hand to my cheek as his thumb caresses it lightly. He looks like he's going to say something like he loves me or that I'm beautiful or something to which I would just blush and not know what to say, but he shakes his head a little and instead the sexy smirk comes back before he answers.

"Still think it's that bad?" he questions me and I let out one snort before answering honestly.

"I don't know, I'll tell you if I can ever walk again." I reply, referring to how I still don't think I could stand on my own let alone walk for a while by myself. The jelly feeling that has taken over all of my limbs is receding but it's still there, and I feel like I'm not even going to bother replacing my clothes for a while even. The fire's still going and it's heat is nice on my now sweaty skin, the night chill kept bay by it still.

We're quiet for a while after that Gale's arm going around my waist as he leans against the tree while my head rests on his chest and I close my eyes, the fire and his own warmth lulling me to sleep.

"I missed you." He finally breaks the silence quietly, and I almost think he didn't expect for me to hear it. And the way he says it…it's not a lie in any sense. And for once I'm not going to lie back to him, because even if I still don't know what this is or what I really feel, it's still true.

"Me too." I whisper back, and I'm lulled to sleep as he gently kisses my hair in response and dream of how in a way this is the best night I've had in a long, long time.


	9. War

"But Gale, that's like the mines. Would you really do that to people on purpose?" I protest his idea, because really it horrifies me. I mean I know this is the actual reason he was sent to District 2 but it's just terrible that he would come up with that as a solution. However, no one else seems to think so. Or at least not to the degree I do.

"It's something at least." One of the soldiers agrees, as we've been brainstorming for hours and I frown.

"Yes, but I believe we should discuss this with Coin, don't you?" Lyme nods and a few murmurs in agreement are found as my frown grows deeper as well as my glare at Gale, but he follows me out with a heavy sigh all the way to my room here before I try slamming the door in his face but he catches it much to my annoyance, slipping in the room before locking it.

"Katniss…"

"Don't." I whip around to face him, anger clear on my features as well as pain. "How could you possibly think it's a good idea to create a mine explosion? It's like our fathers, or did you forget that?"

"I didn't forget." He claims with a hard look, "It's war, Katniss. It's what has to be done to end this thing."

"What about the rules? Isn't it at least immoral to do so? To innocent people?" I claim to him as he sits down on my bed and sighs. Well it's true…or at least most of them are probably innocent, but I can't see many people deserving that kind of death. Except maybe Snow.

"Haven't you heard the saying? All's fair in love and war, Katniss." He reminds me, his eyes looking at me in a way that makes me shiver with desire but also freezes me in my place. All's fair in love and war? War, maybe, but love? Why are we talking about love? I don't know what I feel, and the way he's looking at me…gosh, why do we have to talk about this now? I don't want to, maybe not ever.

"Gale…"

"I know what you're doing." He declares quietly and it makes me glance at him in surprise though I don't know why. Of course he knows I've been avoiding it, he knows me better than anyone.

"What?" I question him, though I'm not entirely sure I want to hear him admit it. Instead of speaking instantly, he gestures for me to come closer and I do. He catches me by surprise when I'm near enough for him to grab my hands and pulls me onto one of his legs, half facing him.

"You're not ready." He claims, and to be honest I don't really know what he's talking about at the moment. I'm not ready for what? This war, which he seems to be better in tune with what has to be done than I am? That I'm not ready to talk about us or what we're doing? That I'm not over Peeta yet so we shouldn't do anything?

Probably all of the above, but I need him to realize that I am ready even if I'm not. "Yes I am." I claim and he gives me a small smile.

"You're not." He insists again and I can sense the sadness behind his eyes that I just want to kiss away. I want him to realize how much he means to me without actually saying it. I want to…I want him.

So taking his face in my hands and forcing him to look at me, in a steady determined voice I declare, "Yes."

He still doesn't seem to believe me (with good reason I guess), but he doesn't hesitate to return the kiss that I place on his lips as his hands come around my waist, mine gently pulling on the hair at the nape of his neck as the talking ceases finally. As the kisses deepen and I can sense the smoldering fire within me growing, begging for attention, Gale gently pulls me over and we're laying down on the bed facing each other, hands pulling off clothes and yet I only vaguely realize it as I let myself get lost in this, whatever this is.

As the clothes slip off I let all the bad thoughts and anger from his idea slip away with them, giving in if only for the moment to this feeling, one I've guiltily become accustomed to in the last few months. I let out a quiet moan as his delicate yet steady fingers rub me and forcing me to get ready for him while I try to show him that I am ready by returning the favor at the same time, making it a silent competition within myself to get him ready before he does me.

And as I rub him harder until I'm satisfied that he's turned to steal, I take it almost to the point of no return before he almost surprises me by pulling my hand away and gliding right into my now ready form, making me gasp. This is also something that I've come to crave strangely enough, the tightness around him and filling me deep. I feel…full. Like an entire person even though that doesn't make too much sense. No, I guess it does, but that terrifies me. I'm terrified of my own thinking.

Maybe he was right after all. I'm avoiding talking about this, us, whatever this is but I'm still doing it, still craving it. He can't say I'm lying when I'm not avoiding doing it because to be perfectly honest I'm almost initiating it more than he is at this point. But I'm not accepting it. Not what it means, not what I feel. I'm terrified of my own feelings, so he's right; I'm not ready.

But I'm not willing to end this right now either, and so I push all thoughts out of my mind and just let the sensations taking over me, glad to give in at least to this. At least it's distracting, and I focus on the in and out motion, keeping up with the pace as our hips meet each other over and over until I can't possibly think any more, the crashing waves of white heat rushing over my body before Gale does the same, leaving me with a warm pleasant feeling that could lull me to sleep.

And no sooner than he pulls out of me I wrap my arms around him, using his chest as a pillow as I fall asleep in his arms for only the second time, only vaguely aware that someone could catch us. But the door is locked, our families are in District 13, and I'm enamored with the idea of a nightmareless sleep in which I believed before only Peeta's arms could bring me. But I feel so safe in Gale's arms that I know it will be alright, that I can get the same.

And much to my relief, I do get the same. If I woke up from a nightmare I don't remember it, and it's the faded light from the window in my room and a tantalizing pattern lightly being drawn on my bare arm that makes me ache for something more that I still don't want to think about that wakes me, and when I open my eyes I glance slightly up to find Gale already awake, staring up at the ceiling.

"Morning." I murmur, but he just barely perceives that he's even heard me with a slight catch in his breath, and I can tell his mind is far away.

"Do you think I'm heartless?" he finally asks aloud, and I'm momentarily confused by this until I realize what he's asking. He wants to know if he's heartless for thinking of blowing up the Nut. Like it's a mine. Blowing it up and purposefully choosing to make people experience the very thing that changed our lives forever. And while I'm still angry with it and him for it, still don't agree in the slightest, it's a ridiculous thing for him to ask.

"I know you're not." I reply quietly yet forcefully, placing my hand lightly over his chest right where I can literally feel his heart beating.

"I didn't mean literally." He smiles a little, but I know even though he's quite serious he's making a flat joke.

"Just because I don't agree doesn't mean you're heartless." I finally tell him, and he pulls himself up a little so he's sitting against the bed frame, looking down to me.

"You don't agree with a lot of things." He replies, and my brow furrows.

"What's that supposed to mean?" I question him and he hesitates before answering.

"You're not ready. Not for war, not for…this. You can't accept any of it."

What? I mean I guess in a way it's true (and it frustrates me somehow that he really did know what I wasn't ready for), but this is insane of him to say. "You're wrong."

"You don't have to lie to me." He insists before sighing and getting up as I watch him in confusion as he begins pulling on his clothes as I observe him in confusion.

"What are you doing?" I finally ask him, and as he pulls his shirt on he glances at me.

"I'm giving you time. I'm not going to do anything until you can accept what you already know." He gazes right at me, and as it dawns on me my mouth gapes open.

"You can't be serious." I eventually manage to get out of my mouth, and he shrugs with a grim smile.

"I am serious." He insists, and while I wish I could say it was a lie I can tell it's true. Which only makes it worse.

"That's a dirty move." I frown, glaring at him almost from the bed where I'm now sitting up facing him, my entire naked body from the waist up exposed. How can he possibly claim that we can't do anything until I'm 'ready' for whatever this is? That could possibly never happen. But then I realize…he knows that I'll give in. That I'll give in because he can tell that now I crave it. Has he been waiting to bring this on me just to make it faster?

To my frustration all he does is shrug before turning to the door and leaving, making me just stare at the now closed door where I'm alone in my room trying to figure this out. But I know there's stuff to do and I can't be found in my room like this, so I quickly dress and go to breakfast where some of the soldiers are already waiting, Lyme included.

"I'm not supposed to tell you quite this soon, but we're going with Soldier Hawthorne's idea. It's the best we can come up with at the moment." She whispers to me between bites, which with what happened this morning and the fact that I already hated the idea makes my mood sour.

"Great." I reply sarcastically, and she puts her fork down and stares at me while I brood into my plate, not hungry at all. I'm too angry to be hungry.

"You've been fighting about it, haven't you? Is that why he followed you into your room last night?" she questions me and I look up in surprise. She couldn't have possibly seen it herself but I guess someone else did and told her. I should have been more careful but then again I was too mad to be careful.

"Yeah." I answer, and then add just in case though it's a lie, "He tried explaining but I wasn't in the mood so I kicked him out."

She gives me a wry smile then, clearly believing me but still incredulously taking his side. "War has no room for moods or feelings, but you should at least make up. He's still your cousin, right?"

I half wince at the word cousin because it still annoys me to no end that people believed that in the first place but despite her saying that there's no room for feelings in war, I'm most definitely not in the mood to explain it fully. "I'll forgive him eventually, but it seems we require certain things from each other to make that possible and I don't see that happening soon."

She only seems more confused by this but shrugs, thinking that I'm simply overreacting probably. But if I have anything to say about it, it will happen soon and without me accepting anything at all. Gale Hawthorne is not going to win this one.

All's fair in war, right? Well I can fight dirty then and he will lose.


	10. Shower

"Harder Soldier Everdeen! You heard me! You too Soldier Mason." The trainer of my group also known to Johanna and I (my new roommate) as the witch. Seriously, I think she believes it's her job to be the meanest trainer ever. I mean we are trying and I'm still panting from my wound though I try not to let it affect me. I want to go fight in the Capitol and that requires me doing this stupid training apparently. You'd think they'd want their Mockingjay there trained or not.

After coming back from District 2 unconscious and wounded from a bullet that luckily my armor mostly protected me of but apparently I lost my spleen, I've been told that since we've gotten all the Districts now (unfortunately thanks to Gale's idea and my dumb speech which ended me in the hospital) I've been doing all I can to get onto a squad because I want to fight and so did Johanna. When I originally woke up Haymitch was the first to greet me and being Haymitch he wasn't entirely sympathetic, but he did tell me of the training requirement for going to the Capitol. The doctor didn't think it was a good idea and argued with him but after some silent exchange between them the doctor sighed and left, Haymitch insisting that if I wanted to I could try. I still don't know what that was all about but after the doctor luckily did some awful medicine thing to make me get better quicker for training I've sort of forgotten it.

Aside from training I also have been endlessly trying and failing to get Gale to do anything. I thought when he said he was serious that he was lying or at least that he would be easier to break, but he's actually surprised me. And since I can't find it in myself to just say the stupid three words that he wants much less admit it myself if that's even what I feel, none of my ideas seem to be working. I've tried cornering him in the hall but he uses his longer stride to out pace me, disappearing somewhere around the corner and I can't find him. Or trying to talk to him but he always changes the subject or says that he has to go work with Beetee or go to his own training. I even tried once discreetly bringing it up at dinner one night (very dangerous considering his mother was there too though I doubt she was really listening) but he just smirked at me and continued eating. Even more than that, he took the rest of my bread with challenging eyes that just said try and stop me. It's driving me insane. If I thought I was desperate for that kind of attention before in District 2 it's nothing compared to this. Of course that was when he wasn't there. That was when he wasn't blatantly refusing and of course I had that stupid talk with Peeta.

Apparently he'd been asking for me and a few days after I came back and was out of the hospital I went to visit. He seemed better but still different. Cold. Even blatantly asked me about all the kisses we shared even though I'm sure he knew that plenty of people were listening. Even worse, he asked about Gale. I tried to contain my blush but really I was feeling as beet red as my stew for lunch that day, knowing that Gale had very well done far more that Peeta had ever done with me.

`And while that was something I never wanted anyone to learn about no matter how much I wanted it, I knew that at least half the people listening and watching suspected that Gale and I had done something if they didn't actually know. I know Haymitch knows exactly what's going on but that's not something I'll ever share, but I did admit that Gale's a good kisser. Because he is a good kisser and that's a tiny bit harmless. Of course he's freaking good at everything. And I wish he'd do it again.

But first that requires me getting through this stupid day of training to think of another way to try to get it, and luckily about an exhausting hour later we do and I collapse on the ground catching my breath. While I am I find that another training group is getting out as well and easily spot a sweaty Gale in the group and with that I have an idea. And with a smirk to myself I know this could work, I allow him a good three minute head start before telling Johanna that I'm going to visit Prim in the hospital as she goes back to our room and instead find my way to not the hospital like I claimed but to the current Hawthorne residence, opening the door with the code that Hazelle told me for emergency purposes. I wouldn't exactly call this an emergency but I am having quite…well alright, horny, exasperated feelings. Ones that I need to quench or they very well may drive me insane.

I'm instantly relieved when I find that not only is the room empty (I figured that the kids were in class and Hazelle was doing whatever her wrist schedule said to do, probably kitchen or laundry duty) and the real reason I'm happy, the soft hum of falling water from the shower in the bathroom. Normally there is only one shower a day, but since trainees for the army well…smell after training, we get two on our schedule. And I know just where I'm taking mine today. It's only a plus that there's not exactly many places Gale can run away from me in that bathroom already naked in the shower.

And so I quietly open the door and shut it closed again, relieved that the shower is apparently too loud for him to hear me with his sharp senses. As fast as I can with making the least amount of noise I pull off my clothes and wince at my large bruise on my stomach which is healing but still pretty bad looking, but I'm not going to let a little thing like that stop me from getting what I want, the lust already visible in my nearly black eyes as I study myself in the mirror before smirking, striding the three steps towards the shower curtain and slipping in.

Saying that I take Gale by surprise would be the understatement of the century as he senses me get into the shower with him. He's turned to me but drops the soap and whips around fast, surprising me by pushing me against the wall of the shower with force like I'm some attacker and it makes me gasp. But once he realizes it's me his hold lets up and he just stands under the steaming water, completely shocked before he speaks.

"What are you doing here? How did you even get in?" he questions me, staring at me incredulous.

"Hazelle gave me the passcode." I inform him like it's obvious, because I'm sure he has the code to mine. Or at least to the one I shared with my mother and Prim before the one with Johanna. "And you know why I'm here."

With a light laugh he lets up his hold on me and smirks. "Well I must say, this is a new one. Not that I haven't imagined this before."

I feel myself go red at that confession but it's not nearly as deep as it would have been a few months ago or if I wasn't on a mission to be honest. But I am on a mission and I'm not going to let him trying to embarrass me or get me out do anything about it. "I'm sure in that dream we were doing more than just standing here." I quirk an eyebrow and despite his clear attempts at keeping himself under control he laughs seductively in a way that makes my insides squirm with want.

"True. But that's not happening right now." He shakes his head at me and backs into the shower, watching me as he puts shampoo in his hair. Him saying nothing is driving me insane and every time I try to move closer he backs away a little, and despite being in a tiny shower and knowing that I could just throw myself at him and force him it's not what I want. I want him to willingly do it.

And so that requires some effort apparently, because if being naked and wet less than a foot in front of him isn't cracking his impressively strong will power it's going to take a little bit of force. Or at least suggestion. And so with that idea in mind, I take the soap off of the shelf while his eyes are closed washing out the shampoo and when he goes to look for it he freezes, finding it missing.

"Looking for something?" I question him with a rather dirty smirk, and he rolls his eyes.

"You think no soap is going to break me?" he asks me and I shrug. Taking the soap was only the first part of it anyway. "Well that's alright, I don't need it anyway." He insists and it's my turn to roll my eyes.

"Please, you stink from training." I tell him and his eyebrow quirks.

"Well what are you going to do about it? You're the one with the soap." He replies, and the way he looks at me tells me that he probably knows exactly what I intend to do and he's going to let me. It gives me a ray of hope that he's actually going to give in and that makes me go for it.

And so lathering up my hands, I start with his chest and arms, lathering them up with soap as he stands there watching me, not quite hiding the desire that he's obviously feeling and I can sense my trick getting through his will power the further I go. As the suds wash off from the stream of water pouring over us I bring us into a sort of embrace to wrap my hands around his back to wash the criss crossed pattern there, grinding against him as I do so and smile into his shoulder feeling triumphant when he lets out a hiss of need against his will. But it's not enough, and so I squeeze his butt as I rub soap on it and then go down his legs to his feet coming up to the only spot I've missed. He stares at me, knowing exactly why I left it last and gives me a look of sheer will power that I know I can break, I just know it. And so staring right into his eyes the whole time, I lather up my hands again and stroke the soap onto him, far longer than necessary. I can sense his will power breaking and when he knocks my hand away and pushes me against the wall into a hard, needy kiss I'm feeling pretty smug, knowing that I'm going to win. As if I wasn't going to.

And then the water turns off.

Once it does he pulls away and we hear voices chattering outside the door, apparently the rest of the Hawthornes having come back to their room in the time we've been in here. With a smirk Gale pulls back from me but just enough to still whisper so that the people on the other side of the door can't hear him.

"Well that was a dirty little trick of yours, but now you're in a little predicament, aren't you?" he says under his breath and as it dawns on me I frown. Yeah…I guess I really didn't think that one through. Or at least I thought they wouldn't be back quite this soon.

"I've got it under control." I assure him even though the lie is so obvious that he doesn't even bother calling me out.

"Oh good, so the plan is that you just walk out of the bathroom with me where it's obvious we've both been in the shower to my entire family? Yeah, I'm sure you've got that under control." He chuckles, clearly enjoying this more than he should be. But he knows he's winning again, his will power back under control under the circumstance. And he knows that I'm in a pretty bad place right now. "Unless…"

"It's fine. I'll just…" I start insisting, but then realize that I have absolutely zero ideas. There's only one exit out of here and as Gale just pointed out, that's not likely to be very discreet in any universe.

"Well if you're not going to come out, it looks like you have one option." He says, opening the shower curtain and leaving me shivering from the contrast of temperature. "You can hide in there until they fall asleep and maybe you can get out without anyone noticing." He suggests, incredulously pointing towards the cabinet below the sink and I stare at him.

"You can't be serious!" I hiss as a low whisper as he gives me a smug smirk that I'd love to wipe off his face.

"Well I don't really see another option here, do you?" he asks, clearly liking this more than I do. I'm sure he's going to be laughing about this for the rest of his life but since as he pointed out there really isn't another option, with a huff I get dressed and get into the cramped space, praying that the next several hours go by fast.

And they do happen to be quite possibly some of the worst hours of my life when it comes to waiting. I'm in this dark cramped space for hours, listening to every Hawthorne get into the shower (and Rory's awful singing), images in my head that I never wanted of them. And even after that I still wait, my stomach growling from the lack of dinner and my whole body aching from being in this tight space for a long time, still waiting. Hating Gale's smug smirk that I know if it hasn't left his face all night then it definitely hasn't left his mind.

And finally…the lights go out and I allow myself to open the door of the cabinet, quietly squeezing my way out of it and allow myself to stretch out, feeling better a little but still annoyed. And I wait even a little bit more just to make sure they're asleep, just a little more before I finally slip the door open, immediately on my guard when a lamp is on in the dim corner but I relax a little to find that it's only Gale and his predicted smug smirk, watching me and his chest going up and down in a silent laugh, clearly enjoying this.

This isn't over. I mouth to him with my arms crossed, anger pouring out even though I'm annoyed too. And in response he gives me a mock salute and mouths back Anytime.

And with a roll of my eyes admitting to myself that he won this round, I go out into the hall and try to think of some lie I can tell my mother or Prim if they happen to be up and wondering where the hell I've been for hours. What have I come to? A dirty, sex obsessed liar? Possibly. And while I feel bad I don't really care as much as I should. Or at least I wouldn't if I could get what I want more often, and that requires the annoyingly strong will powered boy named Gale.

Who I will break…you know, eventually.


	11. Dream

I had been having a decent dinner after training, feeling a confidence that I haven't had in a while. Training had been going well and Johanna and I had our final tests to be on a squad in a few days, I was finally relaxed at the dinner table with everyone I care for safe in District 13 now that everyone was out of custody, and I felt like I was getting somewhere with Gale. Not that he had really given me anything at all since that shower that ended with me under a sink for hours, but I thought that it was going better. Of course I hadn't given up. Which is exactly what I was doing now.

Peeta sitting down at the table had made it awkward for sure for everyone, but I decided that it was the perfect time and place to try to crack Gale's stellar willpower. I know it's dangerous, but maybe if I did something now with Peeta her and in a public place it would prove something to him without me saying anything at all. And so out of the corner of my eye as Peeta was talking to Annie and Finnick, I placed my hand on Gale's thigh under the table. To my utter frustration he only barely acknowledged it with a slight twitch of his lips, but other than that paid more attention to the conversation than me. And so I pretended to listen too, my hand doing as it pleased and going towards his inner thigh, almost to him where I could almost rub him through his pants which despite his willpower had a mind of its own and I could sense it getting harder much to my delight. And then…

"So are you two officially a couple now?" Peeta asks us, linking us together with a wave of his spoon. It froze me in place, both my mind and my hand as I willed myself not to panic. Peeta knew nothing, he couldn't have known. My mouth is so dry and sticky from guilt and panic that I can't bring myself to speak but I do slip my hand away from Gale, gripping the side of my chair as Gale replies and all I can do is stare hoping he gives nothing away.

"I wouldn't have believed it if I didn't see it myself." He says, ignoring the question much to my relief. If anyone is going to find out for sure about what we're doing then Peeta is definitely one of the last people that needs to know. Not that we've done anything at all recently but still.

"What?" Peeta asks him, confused under his cold tone.

"You." Gale answers, referring to how different he is. The real Peeta would have never acted this way, never been so cold or direct. With one last gulp of his milk he turns to me and asks if I'm done and I nod, and we leave the table together a decent distance apart in silence.

The heavy silence between us on the way back to my room could crush a District, but I'm definitely not going to be the first to speak after that. Because that's one of the real questions, isn't it, the one that Peeta just blatantly asked? It's certainly one I've been avoiding for some time now. But couple or not, it's definitely not official. Despite anything I happen to be doing in a public place to get what I want. Which is also a problem I've been warring with myself almost constantly. Why do I want it so bad? I'm sure Peeta (or at least the old one) would have been more than willing, but somehow I find myself recoiling from the thought. Maybe this Peeta has just infected my thinking about it, but I want Gale in that way and no one else and that's what this really comes down to. It scares the hell out of me that it's the dirty truth but I still don't know exactly what to do about it.

When we finally get to my door we both just stare at it, knowing that I can't just very well leave it like this and walk in. This is one of those things we have to talk about, I know it and he knows it.

"So…" I finally crack, but my voice refuses to let me go further into this awkward conversation.

"You just don't give up, do you?" I sense a smirk in Gale's voice, and to my surprise when I look up at him he's got mirth in his eyes, and nothing of the awkwardness I feel. Is he really alright with avoiding the topic? Yes, I realize. Because he wants me to say something about it on my own. But I also can chicken out and go along with this conversation, because despite the far more dirty and intimate intentions behind it, it's somehow easier to talk of.

"Did you think I would?" I give him an eyebrow raised, shoving all thoughts of Peeta and his questions to the back of my mind as I let my other problem come to the forefront. Any attempt to break this and make him give me what I want. This is something I can deal with.

"I didn't think you'd do it at the dinner table." He laughs lightly and with a smile I can't hide I decide that maybe this is the time to turn things around to my side. It's worth a shot anyway, especially when I could already sense him getting harder at the dinner table and the lust in his eyes that he can't seem to hide right now no matter how hard he tries.

"And the shower didn't tell you anything?" I bring up to remind him that of course I would go there right at the dinner table.

With an eyebrow raised and a smile in remembrance of that battle he won, he leans against the wall with him arms crossed. "It told me that I have far more control than you do, that's for sure."

Control? So it's control he wants, huh? Well I can give him that.

Pushing against him where he is on the wall, I press myself into him and yank on his hair while I come up on the balls of my feet, forcing his lips to be a mere inch from mine as I stare into his eyes, the lust in my own body betraying just how much I want him now if it wasn't obvious already. He just stares at me, waiting for me to do something.

"You sure you don't want to come in?" I ask as an attempt at a seductive whisper, my voice heavy with desire and my vision swimming in lust for the man literally in my face. He doesn't reply right away, so I press my lips to his and I'm disappointed when he doesn't respond. Coming back down and frowning, I look up at him and study him with a smirk on his face in sheer exasperation.

"You don't?" I ask him incredulously, hardly believing it.

"I do." He admits frankly, uncrossing his arms and backing away from the door towards the end of the hallway as I stare at him in disbelieve. "But you know what you have to do to get me there."

My mouth drops open as I let out a frustrated groan, slamming the door shut to my and Johanna's room as I pace in anger and exasperation. God, why does that boy have to have such an ultimatum? Why does he have some supernatural willpower that nothing can get through? Why does this have to be happening in the middle of a war?

You know, somehow I think it might be easier to break the Capitol and Snow than to break down the walls of Ft. Hawthorne.

To calm myself down before Johanna comes back from dinner I take a shower, and come out to find Johanna on her bed, her eyes snapping to me as soon as I enter the room.

"So what the fuck was that about?" she asks me, and I shrug.

"Nothing." I mutter, going to find some clothes to put on as she keeps talking, but luckily she can't see my face anymore.

"Oh so there's no particular reason Peeta thinks you and your cousin are a couple?" she questions me and I roll my eyes.

"We're not cousins." I reiterate, annoyed beyond belief that people still believe that. I turn around and find her with a smirk on her face, and somehow I think she actually knew that already and just wanted a reaction out of me. Damn, I need to be more careful around her. "And we're not a couple." I add on because I guess it's true. It's certainly what Gale wants but we're not really I guess.

"Oh good, because he's hot." She smiles at me, clearly testing me. If she doesn't know something or if Haymitch hasn't already told her, she certainly suspects. Or she's just toying with me. Either way I can't let her win.

"Glad you think so." I nod and go towards the bed, getting under the covers but apparently that's not the end of it.

"I wouldn't mind being with him. I bet he's great in bed." She comments suggestively and I hold back a gulp and a blush somehow, though there's a vial jealously rising in me too at the very thought of Johanna being with Gale in any way shape or form. Which is probably her point.

"Well why don't you let me know when you find out." I roll my eyes though it recoils me to just suggest it out loud and turn off the lights. Wait, I don't want to know. Besides the fact that I already do know, and he's better than good. "On second thought, don't tell me. I don't want to know."

She laughs and turns off her own light, somehow satisfied but I don't really see what it is. "Whatever brainless."

When I walk into my room, I'm surprised to see Johanna in a heated make out session on her bed and I almost turn right around and walk back out into the hallway because it's not exactly something I want to see, but then I get a glimpse of who she's kissing and it makes my blood boil and I start to panic.

"What are you doing?" I shriek in disbelief, and the couple stops what they're doing and looks up at me.

"What's it look like brainless? Get out." Johanna replies, but I'm not even looking at her. I'm looking at the man she's with in shock and pain and a vicious sort of jealously.

"You can't do this." I shake my head at him, almost shaking.

"Why not?" he asks me with an eyebrow raised, waiting for me to answer. Waiting for the right answer, the one he wants to hear.

"Because you're mine." I declare, right in front of Johanna but I don't care. I walk over and try to push Johanna away, trying to take him with me.

"But Katniss, I thought you loved me." a hurt voice whispers behind me, but I don't even turn to look at him. It sounds like the old Peeta but surely he knew that I really didn't. Or at least I don't think I do. All I can focus on is the man in front of me that should be with me, not anyone else.

"Am I?" he asks me, an eyebrow quirked and I nod, my eyes begging him to come with me. "Then prove it."

"How?" I ask, though I already know. Wasn't it enough to claim he's mine in front of Johanna and Peeta? No, of course not.

"You just want me for my body, Katniss. That's all." He states out loud and I'm momentarily shocked that he reveals this but I shake my head.

"It's not true." I claim. "I…love you."

There, I finally said it, and somehow it doesn't seem as horrible as it should feel. It seems almost…right. Luckily it's all he needs to hear, and the others disappear as he pulls me onto the bed and rolls on top of me, a fierce kiss to my lips that makes me groan with pleasure as he begins to undress me as I rip at his own clothes, desperate for what I need that he's not let me have for a while.

"Why did you make me wait so long?" I gasp as his perfect fingers enter me, making me moan just at the contact because I'm so tight and wet. As he strokes me and caresses my breast, leaving wet kisses on my neck and shoulders he somehow finds the words to answer me.

"You made yourself wait so long." He reminds me, and I guess in a way he's right and I stop talking. Well, at least coherent words, there are certainly noises and some kind of words coming out of me as I feel waves of pleasure roll over me, somehow better because of the lack of it for so long.

I stroke his silkiness and hardness a few times before he's ready, pushing himself into me as we both moan in need as our hips meet, setting a fast and furious pace from the desire that neither of us can contain and racing towards the pleasure at the end. When we get there he entwines our fingers together and I pull into a kiss that hides our moans of ecstasy as we come together, breathing hard afterwards but feeling so perfectly right and glowing. This is exactly what I needed, and I sigh in content.

BEEP BEEP BEEP

With a groan I wake up and hit the alarm off, a bit more than mildly disappointed that it was only a dream. I've never had a dream like that before but I can't say I mind. I will find a way to break Gale, and I know what it would take. But as I try to whisper the words to myself under my breath my voice breaks every time, and I know I can't. Not right now. If I can't even say the words to myself then there's no way I'd be able to look him in the eye and say it.

What have I come to? Am I really so desperate for something I never really wanted months ago that I'm trying to say something I never thought I would and mean it? Do I even mean it?

"What are you whispering to yourself over there?" a curious voice breaks the silence, and I sit up and find Johanna looking at me strangely. Clearly she knows I was saying something, but especially after our conversation last night I'm certainly not going to tell her the truth.

"Just making sure I know all the military terms for our test." I decide to tell her, the only plausible thing I can think of. I should be doing it anyway, the test is in a few days.

Johanna seems to believe me luckily. "You don't need to whisper that. I need to know them too."

I nod to her and get out of bed, going to the dresser to change into training clothes to get ready.

"Of course all that moaning you did in your sleep I could do without hearing." She comments and I do my best not to freeze. I did what?

That's going to take some explaining. All I can hope is that I've truly become the dirty liar that I guess I am, because it's going to take a miracle to get out of this without the truth coming out. Or at least a really good lie.


	12. Tent

It's our first night in the Capitol, and Gale, Finnick, me, and several District 13 soldiers are under Boggs's command on Squad 451, also known as the Star Squad. Which also means that we do nothing at all important apparently, as they sent us with a camera crew to pretend to deactivate pods. It seems pretty stupid, but I'm glad to be here anyway. I'm sorry Johanna couldn't make it because of her reaction to water now after her torturing in the Capitol, but she's been catching on to me about Gale and at least she's not here. Not for what I have planned anyway…

After that night when Peeta sat at our table, I rethought about my conversation and my failure at seducing him to come in and realized something. He already admitted he did want it and that I knew how to get what I wanted, but he also walked away. And if I know Gale like I do, as soon as he turned that corner he used all his self-control to run away from me because he probably didn't trust himself to stay near me. And if that is true, then my plan for tonight should work to get what I want.

And so after our squad is sent to our tents for the night with the designated guards at their posts, I spend some time in my own tent, waiting for Gale and the others to go to sleep. To pass the time, I organize and reorganize my small space, meticulously doing nothing until finally I think it's time to go. Time to go get what I want.

Sneaking out of my tent and quietly making my way over to what I know is Gale's tent, I think of my plan and smile to myself. Normally I'd find this kind of thing crazy, but I'm so past the point of caring that I'm actually going to enjoy this. The conclusion I came to after Gale went off that night a few days ago was that he could restrain himself from going in to my room with me because he had somewhere to run. And noticing how small my own identical tent is, I know he won't be able to resist me because there's nowhere he can run to. He could try to get out of the tent but that's the reason I waited until now, so that I'm sure he's asleep. So that I can have the control.

Slipping into his tent as quietly as I possibly can because he does have the same hunter's senses that I do, I'm relieved to find him sleeping soundly even through the barely there noise I've created coming in and zipping the tent closed. Still watching him, I silently untie and slip off my boots as well as my pants, keeping on my undergarments and shirt before going over to where he's sleeping. I risk a deep breath because I suddenly feel a little ridiculous, especially when I push him onto his back and sit on him as his eyes fly open, greeted with my lust-filled smirk looking down at him.

"God Katniss, what the hell are you doing?" he harshly whispers, certainly bewildered by what he's woken up to.

"Getting what I want." I answer him. "And what you want." I add, just because I know it's true. He struggles a bit under me but all that gets him instead of pushing me off is grinding into me on accident and yet by the way his eyes change in that brief moment I know I'm right that he wants it too but he still struggles as I give him a small, knowing smile. "You can't run away from it this time."

"You thought I'd run away?" he questions me with an eyebrow quirked, clearly amused by this and he stops struggling physically but I can tell he's trying to restrain himself from looking anywhere but my face as I unbutton my shirt, revealing my bra and bare skin for him to see.

"You did a few days ago." I counter, and by the slightly guilty look and hint of a blush on his face I know I've caught him. He did run away because that's the only way he could have stopped himself the other day. It must have taken all of his impressive willpower to not kiss me back let alone run away.

"Did not." He still tries to lie, but I know even he knows he sounds stupid for trying.

"Liar." I call him out anyway, and all he does is give me a smirk, looking at my face but I can tell he desperately wants to let his eyes drift further down. And when he doesn't protest for once when I lean down and capture his lips with mine, I know that no matter his willpower or his conditions I'm getting what I want tonight. He knows as well as I do that he's physically stronger than me, if he really was going to stop this then he could have pushed me off him, out the tent into the night, anywhere. But he doesn't and I can't help feeling a little triumphant and…something else at that. Almost like…relief.

But that relief quickly turns to a heated lust as the kisses deepen, his hands unashamedly exploring my body as I frantically try to unbutton his shirt while still kissing him as he grinds up into me softly, emitting moans that I can't contain nor to I even try to. Once his shirt is unbuttoned I don't even bother trying to push it off his shoulders because it wouldn't be going anywhere with him pinned under me and instead just greedily caress the exposed skin that's warm and tingling under my fingers as I trace the contours of his muscles, my hands itching to go further down in my haste for this to just progress already.

But…he's kissing and licking and biting gently on my neck, my shoulders and that completely overtakes my haste as the feelings course through me and I sort of forget what I was supposed to be doing. And yet I want more, I want him to unclasp my bra and kiss and suck on my breasts but I can't seem to find the words between my moans and gasps of pleasure. But like always, it seems Gale always knows exactly what I'm feeling and thinking because no sooner than I want it so desperately that I think I'm going to scream his nimble fingers do exactly what I want, and I eagerly move my hands away from him just long enough to let it slip off me, dropping onto Gale's chest. Gale flicks the think across the tent in a flash before satisfying my intense need for his skillful fingers and tongue to lick and handle my breasts. And he's not gentle either, not that I mind in the least. He turns each of my nipples hard, so hard, and then in a way I guess he punishes me for getting my way in this as he twists them, making me scream out in pleasure and pain. I sort of forgot where we were so I guess it's a good thing that he places his other hand on my mouth to muffle the noise, but if anyone was close enough to hear me at that moment they would be highly suspicious of exactly what was going on in Gale's tent. But as I don't hear anyone's footsteps nor can I even really concentrate on it, I scold myself internally to be quieter or this very well may not have an ending anyone wants to see.

Once Gale seems to realize that I'm going to be quieter, he continues on his pleasure hunt of my body eagerly, going from where he left off. Kissing each of my nipples and gently biting them this time, his other hand makes its way to the only piece of clothing I have left on my body, my underwear which is already soaked through with my want and the ceaseless minor grinding he's been doing to me (though I suspect it's half my fault to, doing it subconsciously). He rubs my wet underwear and I moan, no longer able to take this for much longer.

Lifting myself off of him just enough to unbuckle his belt and slid off the rest of his clothing, it's seemingly very hard to concentrate on even that in my desperation as I fumble with it. Of course it probably doesn't exactly help that my mind is numb from the rubbing that Gale is doing to me through my underwear, making me throb with want and my breathing more shallow. Gale smirks at me as I try and fail for the third time to undo the belt buckle before chuckling seductively.

"Having trouble?" he asks me, his mirthful expression almost entirely hidden by the lust in his eyes. If it wasn't for the tone of his voice I would have thought he was just trying to seduce me (no need for that), but he's making fun of me.

"No, I got this." I mumble, but that just makes him laugh harder as he rubs me again as I try for yet another time and huff in frustration. It seems in my desperation I just can't do it and he finds this incredibly funny.

And so moving my hand away almost roughly he unbuckles the thing himself and slides it down as far as he can, much to my relief. He pops up almost straight in his own eagerness and I reach for it to stroke it but I'm caught off guard by Gale grabbing my waist and pulling me over, himself coming on top of me.

"Hey!" I protest with a bit of a pout, wanting to be in control. In response he kisses my lips once before giving me a crooked smile.

"Snooze you lose." He exclaims as a whisper, referring to my struggle. But as long as losing doesn't imply that he stops at any point before we're done I guess I'm alright with it.

Sensing that I'm not going to protest further, he kisses me once more as my hands come down and push off my underwear, the final thing keeping us from this. Once it is I take him in my hand and squeeze it lightly once before I just can't stand it anymore and guide him to me, half pushing him in. He goes the rest of the way himself and once our hips meet we both gasp at the tightness and the complete rightness of this, just catching our breath for a second before moving at all. But that doesn't last long as I'm literally losing my mind not going anywhere so I start the pace, once hand scratching at his back as the other rubs where we're connected, making me almost lose it right now. But I don't and as the pace gets faster and harder we're racing for the finish desperately, needing the ecstasy at the end.

And then…a white hot explosion rips through me and even when I lose my vision and my hearing for just a moment I can feel it go from head to toe, the pleasure taking over. And in that moment of pleasure I can sense something I never have before. All I can think is where this can go with Gale. I can give him what he's always wanted, marriage and a family. We can live in District 12 where our children will learn how to hunt by us not for survival but for something to do, because that's what our fathers taught us. We can have sex as much as we want, no stopping us and nothing in our way. It would be a free world and I can lo-

And then I come back to myself, catching my breath and my heart racing not just from the orgasm but from the life I just saw in it. With Gale. Who is now on top of me catching his own breath and looking down at me with pure love in his eyes.

Can he sense what I just thought? Does he know? Or did he see that same exact thing himself?

What's going on with me?

Rolling over to the side, Gale comes out of me but his arm stays where it is right on my heart, watching me. But I can't say it, none of it. I can barely think of it let alone say any of it. It's all he wants and I guess a part of me wants it too, but my mind can't seem to connect with my mouth on the matter.

"You don't play fair, that's for certain." Gale finally breaks the silence with a smile, but he doesn't seem mad at all about it. In fact, he appears to be quite happy.

"I'd say this was fair." I smirk at him though even I know it wasn't. But it seems like a good thing to say at the moment, and it's pretty fair considering what he put me through to get it. I was under a sink for hours for Panem's sake.

"Liar." He chuckles, but it's warm and not sarcastic or mean at all. Before I can even respond he plants a light kiss on my lips and lays back down to close his eyes, going back to sleep. And the waves of sleepiness and exhaustion from our activities is taking over me too, and deciding that I'm just fine where I am I lay my head down on his chest and close my eyes for a hopefully restful slumber.


	13. Pudding

"Good work, soldiers." Boggs nods to us after a day of shooting pods and propos. What a joke, good job. Everyone else besides Gale, Finnick, and I get to actually shoot real targets though we volunteer constantly. Boggs tends to ignore our eager hands and grumbling, all we get to do is shoot at colorful glass for propos. Because we wouldn't want to hurt the 'famous faces' or have them in potential harm, now would we? It's ridiculous.

But even with that, I don't find it in me to complain as we head straight to dinner, as I'm starving. We skipped lunch today because we had gone further into the Capitol than we had before and it's taken its toll. It seems silly in a way because back, way back, before the first arena when I was just a girl from Seam hunting for her family (or if I'm honest, before even then), I could go easily on one meal a day or less. I had to, I always made sure at least Prim ate before I did. And if food was scarce then sometimes it meant to make that possible I didn't eat. But now I skip one measly meal and I feel like I could eat an entire horse in one sitting. I blame it on having food easy ever since I became a Victor about a year and a half ago. Too accustomed now to regular meals.

And while the meals here as a soldier in the midst of a war with the Capitol is not up to the standards of food in the Capitol or the food in Victor's Village, it's certainly better than what we got in District 13 most of the time. At least we get meat here on a regular basis, and slightly larger portions. I guess it doesn't really matter to count calories when you're a soldier because you never really know what you're doing and how much energy you will be exerting. Though the thought of counting calories anyway is odd to me anyway.

But one thing we do get here that I definitely like better than District 13 is dessert. We don't always get it right away when we sit down but usually I take it back to my tent and eat it there later. Something sweet right before I attempt sleep seems to ease my nightmares if only by a little. But honestly, I'm willing to try anything and I guess it could be a mind over matter thing but I don't really care. It works.

And tonight the dessert is pudding. It's not my favorite dessert but it keeps longer and I do get chocolate, the better flavor in my opinion. Gale decides to get the same kind as me and since we have nothing better to do and no one actually seems to be paying attention to us, I follow him into his tent. Luckily he doesn't question me, but I don't really plan to do anything dirty tonight with him anyway. Not after last time, and definitely not here again.

On my way out after I finally got what I wanted, I slipped out of Gale's arms before he woke up and as I was dressing and looking out the slit of a window high up in the tent I could tell that it wasn't quite dawn yet, but it was close. I silently cursed at myself for not waking up and leaving earlier, but there wasn't much I could do about it now. Besides, it's still pretty early even for an army to be up so I really doubt I'll run into anyone on my way back to my tent.

And of course I'm not lucky enough for that. Of course there would be someone just like me who can't sleep and would be walking around before dawn, and they catch me redhanded coming out of what is clearly not my tent and my hair still disheveled most likely. But all Finnick does is do a double take before smiling and nodding, surprisingly not seeming to care. And actually not at all shocked to see me coming out of Gale's tent. Does he know? Did Johanna tell him what she suspected and I just clearly gave him evidence that it's true? I don't really know, but Finnick has yet to bring it up to me and it's been over a week.

And while Finnick probably doesn't care though he clearly knows what Gale and I are up to, I still find myself embarrassed by it. And so even though I still have urges to do something about it, I know it's too dangerous here. That was clear to me, because next time I might not be so lucky for it to be Finnick that finds me out. Next time it could be someone much worse.

But that doesn't mean I can't still at least hang out with Gale. At least being best friends is something innocent, a better reason than what could be for why I'm alone with him in his tent eating dessert.

We sit down facing each other and open up our pudding cups, and while Gale immediately puts his spoon in and takes a big bite of his own I realize that I was dumb and forgot something important.

"Dang it, forgot a spoon." I mutter to myself, looking almost sadly at my own undisturbed cup. I can easily go get one myself but it's a five minute walk and I really don't feel like getting up. I put it down on the ground and frown, staring at it frustrated.

"You don't need one." Gale tells me, and I look at him with a questioning look. In response he takes me by surprise and takes my wrist in his hand, incredulously putting two of my fingers into my pudding cup.

"Gale!" I glare at him, taking my now pudding covered fingers out of my cup and frowning at it, annoyed that he did that while he laughs at me. I was just about resolved to just go get one from the mess hall anyway, or at least steal his spoon when he was done. It wasn't necessary to do that.

"Well aren't you going to eat it? You're hand isn't going to get clean just by staring at it." He smirks at me, clearly enjoying his stupid joke. I roll my eyes at him and debate whether I'm going to just leave the pudding on my fingers or wipe it off on something of his just to get back at him.

"No. That's gross." I stick my tongue out at him, even though it's really not. It's not as if I've never eaten anything with my hands before, I did live in Seam most of my life after all. Manners aren't exactly the first thing people think about.

"Liar. You never had a problem with it before." Gale replies with a grin and I shrug.

"I'm still not going to." I counter, finally deciding to wipe it off on his shirt just to get back at him. I don't care if his shirt gets dirty, it's his fault for getting pudding on me in the first place. But as I reach for his shirt fast he seems to know what I'm doing and quickly like a reflex takes hold of my wrist, stopping me inches from his shirt. But instead of letting me go or reprimanding me, before I can even protest, he takes my hand up to his face and licks my fingers.

I let out an involuntary gasp as his eyes meet mine, filled with lust and daring but definitely not any apology in them, continuing to suck on my fingers. I would be lying if I said I didn't like this at least a little, and even with my resolve from my embarrassment from last week it's becoming increasingly difficult to fight it with his stare and the licking and the suggestive dirty thoughts running in my mind without permission while a heat courses through me, begging to do more. Once my fingers are licked clean again he lets go of my wrist, my hand dropping where it is and landing on his knee. I don't bother moving it though I should as I just stare at his dirty smirk.

And yet…even though these feelings are going through me and begging for me to say something, I know I'm not going to. I wouldn't even know what to say anyway. But I do still want to wipe that dirty smirk off of his face, and so without thinking I keep his gaze and dip my other hand back into my pudding without looking and wiping it quickly on his lips.

He seems surprised by the move, but before he can even say anything at all I'm lifting myself so I'm kneeling in front of him, licking at the pudding that I placed on his lips. The smooth chocolate from the pudding and the heat and tingling that I can feel from his lips underneath of it make me squirm with want as I lick his lips mostly clean. But then I don't really know if I can't stand it anymore or he can't, but all of a sudden we're in a frenzy of mouths and tongues and hands groping and pulling hair, a faint trace of the dessert lingering in it as my mind gives over to the desire that had already been begging for me to do something about it.

"Soldier Hawthorne, I need you for a moment." A voice calls from the outside of the tent and we stop, freezing where we are in a half panic. I try to keep my ragged breathing down but I'm cursing at myself inwardly. What did I tell myself about not doing anything or we might get caught? It seems the lustful monster in me just keeps taking over and I can't fight it. But at least we're still clothed this time and we weren't that far. Well…mostly clothed. I look down at myself and see that most of the buttons on my shirt have been haphazardly unbuttoned and my bra is skewed a little to the side, and I'm currently straddling Gale whose shirt is rumpled but still on with one of my hands underneath it, frozen in place on his taut muscled stomach.

"Right away, sir." Gale answers back and I quickly and quietly get off of him, standing up and hiding in a corner of his tent where no one from the outside will be able to see me as I adjust myself and smooth down my hair with a blush reddening my face as Gale keeps his dirty smirk on me, opening the tent. He closes the tent but I know I can't just stay here, and once I make sure that I look inconspicuous I step forward tentatively, almost stepping right into one of the dang pudding cups. Who knew that something so innocent could turn into something so dirty? I certainly didn't, and I know for sure that I'll never be able to look at a pudding cup in the same way again. I can still feel Gale's lips and tongue sucking on my fingers provocatively and I'm certain I blush again at the reminder.

But sucking it up, I take a deep breath and take a peek out of the tent, finding that incredulously there's no one around at the moment and gratefully slip out into the open, putting on my best normal face and trying not to think lustful thoughts, pushing back the monster in me.

I find Gale talking to Boggs maybe thirty yards away, but he doesn't seem to be really talking. More like…angry. And arguing about something. Curiosity gets the best of me and I walk up to them, and they both look stressed and angry.

"What's going on?" I ask, and they look to each other and share a knowing grimacing look before turning back to me, not seeming to know how to answer. It's at this moment that I realize that Boggs is holding not one but two guns and my eyebrows furrow in confusion.

"Why is he here?" I hear a voice call from behind me to Boggs, and I turn to find Finnick frowning as he points behind him. It takes me a minute, but when I see what they are all stressed about I freeze. Because I know that blonde head that's arms are crossed and uncaring. I know him and I can't believe he's here.

Why is Peeta here?

Guess Coin lied when she claimed that it would be a bad thing if I was killed


	14. Mission

I really don't know how such a normal, boring mission could turn into this. This…this is a disaster zone. This is a real war, turning this normal Capitol street with brightly colored glass into something that hauntingly reminds me of an arena. Just no trees, no dirt, no Cornucopia. It's different and in a way it's so much worse-mostly because there are far more people here that I care about greatly.

People dying from pods, getting hurt, trying not to panic. Boggs getting his legs blown off just like that and transferring the holo over to me of all people. A big wave of black death coming for us as we race into the nearest building for cover, dragging Boggs along with us. We're here, we're all here I think as I look around the normal looking kitchen for the Capitol I assume, but then freeze in panic as I realize that someone isn't here-quite possibly the most important one.

"Gale!" I shriek, my panic making me think of all the horrible things that could have just happened. He was shooting at Mitchell's cage trying to help him as the tar tsunami came for us last I saw him. Could he have been caught in it? Could Gale, my best friend, my…well, whatever we are, have been consumed by the Capitol pod? Could Gale Hawthorne of all people have been buried in that black stuff and gone forever?

The very thought of it makes my panic rise tenfold, but there's also an immediate heavy crushing grief that comes over me too. No, I can't lose him. Not Gale. Anyone but Gale.

And then I realize…yes, anyone but Gale. Anyone at all, even me. And while the thought terrifies me that I would rather have him live above everyone including Peeta, Finnick, the squad, and even myself…I know it's true. I can feel it in every nerve in my body, my heart beating fast at the panic currently but also at my revelation from it. Is it really so terrible?

And then there comes coughing and I am instantly relieved when he comes stumbling into the kitchen, retching into the yellow sink. "Fumes." His voice informs us raspily, clearly affected by the black stuff. But he doesn't seem hurt other than that and I just let the relief wash over me, pushing aside the panic and other thoughts away and focusing on everything else in here. I have to.

Focus doesn't really help me in end much, but at least it gets some things done. After Boggs died from his injuries (and probably being dragged into a building) and told me what to do, apparently Jackson and some of the other District 13 soldiers didn't quite believe that Boggs gave me the holo, thus putting me in charge of the squad. After a little standoff that ended with no firing from the squad, half at me and half at her, we sat down and found food to eat. And then Peeta….

I don't know what's really going on with him, if he's actually getting better or he's going to lose control again and kill me just like Coin and Snow would like, but after talking to him and trying to get his mind straight I know I can't kill him. Even if he's asking for it just to help us it's somehow not right. Maybe it's because I don't really know what I feel for him, but I refuse to let him die just for convenience. No one else needs to die.

Snow may think he's won but we all know he won't. And as soon as he finds that he'll only find Boggs in that original building we were in that he had crushed to rubble he'll come looking for us and we'll have to move on again. We're just too close for comfort right now. But for tonight at least, we're dead to the world and can rest. But rest is the last thing on my mind, especially since this could very well be one of my last days on Earth. There's no telling if I'll die or not because I'm obviously the target here on all sides and if I have one last wish, I'm going to get it tonight no matter what.

But I have to wait a few hours, because Leeg 1 takes the first shift in guarding even if there really isn't much of a reason for it tonight at least. And then it's Gale and I plan on getting up with him. But guarding…yeah, that's not going to happen. Not if I have my way. So after he's up for a good ten minutes and I'm sure that Leeg 1 has fallen asleep on the couch next to me I slowly get up and start walking quietly over, trying not to step on people. He's only at the doorway guarding the room of sleeping people, but I guess he doesn't seem to think anything is really amiss until I slightly jar a table and bite my lip to not cry out, whipping around and a confused expression gracing his face.

So I just watch him as I walk over to him, an almost hungry, desperate sensation taking over me as I look at him, thinking of what I want…no, need from him. I need him and I think he feels the same.

"Come on." I whisper quietly, taking his hand and trying to pull him out into the hall to find another room. But he doesn't budge and I look back at him in confusion and hurt. He doesn't want to? Now? Is he really going to do that stupid no doing nothing crap that he pulled on me when we were in District 13 now of all times?

But his face doesn't look like that; in fact, it seems conflicted. I can tell by the hungry lust in his darkened eyes that he clearly wants it too but he's on guard; he feels it's his duty to stay here no matter what he wants. So taking advantage of our ability to speak without talking as not to wake anyone, my pleading look and one roll of my eyes tells him that I need him right now and there's really not much of a point to guard anyone; everyone thinks we're dead. They're not going to come looking for ghosts after all, especially when they think our bodies are six blocks away buried underneath rubble.

It takes him a second and one last look towards the room of slumbering people, but he lets me know that we're going to do this by squeezing my hand once and leading me in the hall, passing a few doors until I assume he deems us far enough from the rest of the squad so that they might not hear anything. Gale opens a door down the hall and around a corner quietly and pulls me in after him, only to turn around quickly and press me into a hard, lustful kiss while closing the door behind me.

I moan into his mouth as he presses himself against me and me into the back of the door, clearly feeling his need through his pants and he lightly presses his hips against mine, making me desperate to rip all of our clothes off. He lets his hands glide down my body and comes to my bottom and thighs, squeezing it lightly and lifting me slightly to let me know what he's going to do. He effortlessly lifts me and I easily go with it, wrapping my legs around his waist and bringing us more to the same level, everything lining up perfectly. Knowing he has me and he would never drop me I near attack his mouth with mine and pull on his soft ebony hair, wanting to get as close as possible.

I barely know he's moved around the room until my back hits a silky comforter of the bed I didn't realize was in this room, it's contrast with his rough calloused hands nice. But I don't have time for nice and taking my time enjoying all the little things though I should, because his shift will be over soon and the next guard will come looking for him, finding exactly what he was doing rather than pointlessly guarding. We don't have time for anything until this stupid war is over and then…

It's a credit to his ability that I don't even realize my clothing is off until I feel his hand rubbing against me, me wet and throbbing for him. How did he even do that without me realizing it? And a battle suit too; normally I'd be mad that he did that but I'm so far past the point of caring and it's what I want anyway that my mind can stay oblivious if it wants. Clearly my body has taken over.

As I quickly rip off his shirt that's already half undone and my hands automatically go to undo his belt and the button of his pants, I can tell that we're both on a mission here. Not a mission that we're on with everyone else, but one that's far more private, just for us, and something that I may need even more than Snow being dead at the moment. No, this is a mission to get as much of this as physically possible because it may be the last time. And I don't even want to think of it that way, but I know it's true. And so when he unceremoniously pushes deep into me I gasp in pleasure, quickening the pace easily.

I try to keep as quiet as I possibly can though I have a feeling that I'm really not very silent at all as I moan his name over and over and when I get closer, yelling harder and faster. He always gives me what I want, really almost before I even order him to. It's like our minds and bodies are so connected in every way that we can read each other so perfectly that voicing things isn't necessary. And it's over quicker than I'd like it to be, but the orgasm that fires through my heated and sweating body near makes me pass out from the intensity, blackening my vision and I can't even think let alone speak. I can't do anything at all but breath and I barely recognize myself clenching around him as he comes himself, and once he does rolling over slightly to my side so that his weight isn't all on me.

As we catch our breaths we can't do anything but look at each other, not hungrily anymore but…something else. I really don't know how I could lose him ever, especially not now. The panic that I felt earlier when I didn't know if he was safe or not from that wave of black comes back to me and I realize something. We may have our own mission, but for any of this to continue our real mission has to be completed without either of us dying. I don't really even know what I'm saying or thinking by that but at the moment I just push it aside, wanting to enjoy what I can for the small amount of time I have left.

I trace his lips gently with my fingertips, feeling them slightly chapped but warm and inviting. So I press my own lips gently to his in a soft sweet kiss that he meets, and when it breaks naturally he places his hand on my cheek, his thumb softly wiping away tears that I didn't even realize had made their way out of my eyes. And staring into his soft cloudy grey eyes I already know what terrifies me. I can't even lie about it anymore, not to myself.

I need him to live. Us both to live.


	15. Furs

Musty half damp furs surround me in my own little cocoon here in Tigris's little cellar, hiding our squad from not only the rebels but all of Panem, most of whom apparently want me dead. Well…what's left of our squad anyway. I can't believe that we lost so many in the span of not even two hours, especially Finnick. Finnick, who has his mad wife Annie back in District 13, who deserved a real life without oppression probably even more than I do. He's gone through far more from Snow than I have, even I can admit that. I may have hated the entire star-crossed lovers angle, but if I'm going to be honest it was probably the one thing that saved me from Snow's wrath on appointments. I can't even imagine going through that.

And though I couldn't imagine being forced to have sex with strangers, sex in general I'm certainly no longer terrified of. In fact, I can't seem to get enough of it, even when it's so dangerous to do under the circumstances. Probably because of the person I'm doing those things with, but I really don't care. He's the only one I'd want to do it with anyway.

And right now, lying in these furs…I want it. Bad. In fact, the dirty thoughts that are filling my head right now while the rest of them sleep is making me wet just thinking about it. I've been debating for probably some time now to just wake Gale up already and lead him upstairs just so I can quench my need, but he's hurt and needs his rest. I shouldn't do it, his shoulder is bad enough and we're in a unfamiliar place with lots of people around that could interrupt at any moment. Sure someone could have caught us in District 13, or in 2 or even here in the Capitol. But this is different; there's actually people here in a tiny space and that's a store up there with someone who really doesn't know us at all.

After about another hour or so I guess of holding back my temptation though, I start caring less about that. I don't really know what time it is but that store has to be closed at some point right? I'm pretty sure it's dark out too, and maybe Tigris is sleeping…

Mind made up, I open my eyes slowly just to assess the room and find everyone sleeping, hopefully soundly. Using the furs to cover hopefully any noise I'm making, I crawl over to where Gale is sleeping on his back, his wound clearly affecting him as even in sleep his face looks slightly pained. I can only hope that I can take that away rather than make it worse.

Gently shaking his shoulder where the wound isn't there, his eyes open with a start, alarmed. He relaxes slightly when he sees that it's just me, and without a word of explanation I grab his hand and pull him up slightly, hoping he gets the message. He doesn't speak, but gives me an incredulous glance. He knows what I want and seems to think the same thinks I was just minutes ago. So I give him a pleading look in return, my darkening eyes lustful and a strange sense in my stomach that I need this and I need it now as I nod up the stairs to indicate that we need to go up there. He hesitates and for a second I think he's going to stick with no, but eventually he sighs lightly and allows me to help him up, both of us quickly and quietly going up the stairs.

The store is dark just like I predicted, Tigris nowhere in sight. Relaxing, I lead us mostly blindly to where I remember there being a pile of furs on some strange circular couch thing, sitting down and trying to pull Gale on to of me. But he stops and goes rigid, hesitating again.

"Gale." I plead quietly, knowing I sound pathetic begging him but I can't seem to help myself. When I get these urges now I've found that simply doing it as quickly as I can is the only thing that sates it, especially since I've been exhausted recently. If we don't do this soon the lack of sleep in general and the fact that I've been up for hours is going to pull me into a deep slumber if we don't do something now, especially since these furs up here are clean and soft unlike the ones down in the cellar.

"Katniss, this is dangerous." He whispers, kneeling in front of me and stroking my hand that's still in his. I know it's dangerous just as much as he does, especially considering that many people here in the Capitol would probably shoot us dead in a second flat if they knew it was us, but I'm sort of surprised he points it out.

Blushing and I'm glad it's too dark for him to see it, I answer quietly. "We're running out of time. Please?" I try not to sound desperate, but it's the truth. I already know though I need both of us to live through this that at this point it's probably not too likely, and if one or both of us is going to die than I need this at least one more time.

He seems to understand me like he always does with no more explanation than that, bringing his forehead to rest on mine before seeking my lips, gently sucking on first my bottom lip and then the top as my hand twists itself into his thick dark hair, moaning softly in his mouth. When I deepen the kiss myself as he gently pushes me back onto the furs and couch, his warm weight coming on top of me, we fall into a trance of the dark room and deep emotional kisses, as if this is the last time we will ever get to do this. Despite where we are and that anyone at all could find us, we take our time, enjoying this, savoring every last kiss and touch.

His warm calloused hands find their way under my shirt, gliding over my hard smooth stomach and leaving behind a deep coursing fire in their wake, making their way to my breasts as my own hands gently trace the scars from his whipping on his back, wishing that my very touch could erase them and make them disappear. Slowly our shirts come off, and as my bra comes off as well Gale's lips leave mine and trace their path down my jaw and neck, me leaning my head back and savoring his wet kisses and gentle bites to give him easier access as they make their way down to my breasts. He gently licks and sucks one nipple while his beautiful hands caress the other, slowly turning them into hard peaks as I try not to moan too loudly. His nimble fingers find the button of my pants as soon as I find his, and I slip my hand down to caress his silkly smoothness that's already half hard.

We don't speak the whole time, only soft moans and groans as we come together eventually, going a slow pace as our lips find the same pace, the furs beneath me adding to the effect of soft and gentle as we find that passionate heat even in the slowness, me coming right after moaning his name. It's still that white fireworks, but it's more intense, more resonating as the waves smoothly make their way through my body, making me tremble with desire. Soon after Gale comes to his own ecstasy he pulls out and kisses my lips gently one more time, rolling off me onto the couch next to me.

As we sit there catching our breaths, my hand finds his and I entwine our fingers, a tear gently falling from my eye without permission. As much as we both know this was likely the last time, it's a bittersweet feeling. I don't want this to end, I've become far too attached to this and him and while it terrifies me, I will myself to feel at peace for the moment. If I just let the afterglow surround me I find that I can feel that peace, and we lay there for some time just bathing in that.

But we know we can't stay here forever though it's tempting, and with a sigh I eventually sit up and redress as Gale does the same, both of us quietly going to our respective fur piles down in the cellar afterwards. Luckily everyone else is still soundly asleep and I fall into a deep exhausted slumber easily in the musty furs, for once feeling content.

In the morning I find that I'm the last one up, and I sit up and stretch, feeling my stomach growl. I'm so hungry, this is pathetic. Granted the sex last night could have helped with that, but I feel like I'm going to pass out if I don't get food soon.

"Morning." Peeta nods to me with a soft smile, and I hold back a sigh when he does. I still do feel guilty when I think that this is the boy I'm supposed to be doing all the sex and stuff with, the boy that everyone expects me to love. He doesn't even know what I've done and it makes me feel guiltier, but I honestly think it's better that he doesn't know. For him, anyway. I won't apologize, but I don't want to hurt him more than I already do. "Or more accurately, good afternoon."

"Afternoon?" I yawn, confused. Surely I didn't sleep that long, did I? I take a quick glance around the cellar to find that we are the only two people down here.

"Yes. Everyone else is upstairs with Tigris. We let you sleep." He answers and I try not to glare.

"Why? I need to know what's going on too." I pout. I mean I am exhausted and I feel like I could easily sleep for another few hours as bad as that sounds, but despite that someone should have woken me up.

"You're tired. We all are, but I know your nightmares keep you up. I just wish I could help you but it's not safe for you." Peeta reminds me and I have to hold back a ridiculously guilty gulp. He's right, I do still have nightmares but that was certainly not what was keeping me up. I try not to blush as I think of why I wasn't sleeping last night as I can still feel the tingling slightly when I think about it. But that only makes me sad again and Peeta is waiting for an answer.

"Yeah, but I still should be up." I lie, going with the nightmare thing. But then my stomach grows again, louder this time and Peeta chuckles lightly.

"Well let's get that taken care of then. It would have woken you up itself I'd bet." He nods towards my stomach with a smile, slightly struggling to get up with the cuffs still on his wrists as I roll out of my pile of furs, following him up the stairs.

"Hello Katniss. Food?" Cressida greets me first, offering me a plate of cheese and crackers. I gratefully take it, joining the group where everyone is gathered in the kitchen watching Tigris's television except for Tigris. I engulf my plate of food as I silently watch it too, Tigris coming in after a while.

"Did someone come up to the store last night? The furs on my couch are messed up." She questions the group and I'm glad that she's not looking at me because I'm sure I'm blushing. I thought we'd done a good job of not messing anything up, but it wasn't like that was exactly the first thing on either of our minds…

"I did. I couldn't sleep and my wound was bothering me so I came up here for a while." Gale answers. Liar, but luckily they all seem to believe it. Dirty liar actually, considering that's not the reason he was up here and he certainly wasn't alone. Or sleeping.

"You know that's not safe. Someone could have seen you from the window." Cressida reprimands him, shaking her head. Crap, I hadn't thought of that. But it was the middle of the night and it was really dark and we were pretty quiet considering what we were doing. And I think if someone had caught us we would be dead or captured by now.

"I don't think so. It's not like I was doing anything to draw attention to myself." Gale lies again and I have to hold back a snort. Lie of the century; he certainly drew me to his full attention, that's for sure.

There are a few more grumbles but most everyone goes back to watching the television and so do I after a minute. But I feel someone's eyes on me and instinctively turn towards where Gale is maybe five feet away, finding him with a lustful gaze and a smirk just for me that I blush at, turning away.

We may not be a ton of things, Gale and I, but one thing is for certain; we have become experts at being very dirty liars.


	16. Burned

"You left me there."

His voice is the same as it always is when he's with me, but this time it's almost anguished. Hurt. And oddly enough…a hint of something else I can't quite name. But he doesn't say anything after that, just stands there about five feet away watching me, hands crossed over his bare chest. He's weaponless and his face reveals dark circles, but that's not what gets to me. What does are the dark red marks that are just visible around his shoulders and one that warps around his torso from his brutal whipping last year, and I can't stand seeing them. Seeing him hurt is like I'm hurt, we're so connected.

I don't break my gaze off of his marks, but I do answer. Pathetically true, but I answer nonetheless. "I couldn't tell what you were saying."

"You knew we had a deal. You knew what I wanted." He reminds me, and even in this moment I feel stupid. I did know and I forgot. No, I remembered somewhere in me, but that wasn't the problem.

"I know. I couldn't do it." I close my eyes, wanting more than anything to erase the pain that I can sense in his voice, in my own guilt. We had a deal to not let the other be captured, to kill each other before we let that happen. And Gale had no nightlock pill, no time to kill himself by detonating an arrow, nothing. I was all he had keeping him from being captured and I failed.

I can sense him coming closer even before I open my eyes, and when I do I immediately find myself locked in an embrace and getting lost in his deep, darkening grey pools much like my own.

"Why?" he whispers, and I think he knows why. He just wants me to say it.

So I take a deep breath and try to answer. "Because I…"

"You what?" his heavy, weighted whisper that ignites something deep in my core attempts to prompt me on, but I get choked up on my own words. I can't say it but I can certainly show it.

I crush my mouth to his and moan when his own responds immediately, practically setting me on fire. It's so heated that I'm sweating as he backs me up and I hit a wall, but I don't care because his hands feel like they are burning through me, right to my heart when his rips at my shirt. Actually it's way hot. Too hot, like it's literally burning me. I abruptly stop the frantic kisses and look down in horror to find that I'm actually burned, that where his hand is pressed against my chest it's searing, painful.

I glance back up to find a terrifying smirk on his face and I try to run away but he holds me back, forcing me to look. There I find my sweet, beautiful little sister helping children like she always loved to. And I somehow already know what's coming before it happens and I try to get away, struggling against the burning hands that have a death grip on my arms. I can't break it, so all I can do is frantically call for my Prim to run but it's too late. It's too late and…

With a start I wake up, frantically trying to catch my breath. Relax Katniss, it was just a dream. A nightmare, nothing more. You're used to those. But it certainly didn't feel like one.

I try to move but find it painful to do, and I glance down at my body to find myself covered in bandages and needles sticking through my arms. Machines are whirling somewhere near me with a heart monitor at a steady beat, and the clean white walls and sterile smell hitting me as reality sets in. The nightmare was real. Not exactly, but enough to make me remember again and force myself to think about what happened.

Gale and I had gone by together when we left Tigris's store, following Cressida and Pollux who were sort of acting as our guides to President Snow's mansion. I didn't necessarily like it, but Peeta insisted on going by himself because he thought he might be a distraction if necessary and Gale gave him his nightlock pill just in case since he didn't have one or anyone to help him. As soon as we were covered by the crowd dressed in elaborate disguises that were uncomfortable to me but that was probably just because I wasn't used to those clothes, we silently entwined our fingers more just for support than not to lose each other.

Somewhere along the way pods started going off and one of them swallowed an entire street, which I barely escaped. I had lost Gale in that process and losing my mind, screamed for him no matter who could hear me or that it might tip them off who we were. He was barely hanging onto a gate and I tried to help him, but the peacekeepers came for him as soon as he was safe on the lawn behind it. He was mouthing at me to shoot him but I didn't understand. No, part of me did, but I realized I couldn't do it; killing Gale would be like killing myself in a way and I lost my chance in that brief horrid feeling, having to leave him behind to his fate while I attempted to end this stuff by myself, alone.

I made it to the mansion somehow though I was worried sick for him, finding children waiting like a barrier to the mansion. No sooner than I thought how cruel it was of Snow to do this parachutes floated down and maybe thirty seconds later detonated. Screaming and crying were everywhere and medics came to help them, to my utter horror and shock Prim among them. But then I realized there were still parachutes and no sooner did I figure it out and scream for Prim, running to her, they went off.

Prim is gone. My sweet, innocent sister, my little duck, was dead. From Gale's design for a bomb.

It was difficult even now for me to wrap my head around it, and sometimes I felt like screaming. But screaming usually lead to me being sedated which I'm guessing is what led to me being asleep when I had that nightmare, not that that's any better. I don't know how long I've been here and I really don't care. My Prim is gone, what else is there to care about?

Whispers in my head remind me of someone I do truly care for, but almost instantly I try to push those feelings away and let him go. I hate him. I have to hate him, he virtually killed my sister by coming up with that design.

But it's harder to let him go than I think, and without my permission thoughts of him flood my memory. Of our first meeting in the woods when he thought I was stealing his rabbit, hearing Catnip instead of my name when I told him. Of our friendship over the years, a vital and mutual need for food for our families and being each other's confidents. Of the difficult times that came with me going to the Hunger Games and Peeta and him forcing me to feel muddled about my feelings. Of all the times since that first time in the woods outside of District 13 where we had dirty sex, making love, all blatantly obvious hints that there was more to us than friends…

Even now though I don't want to I remember his hands, his beautiful capable fingers and all they can do. They can hunt and set snares, mine coal and help his family but now I know how much more they can do. How his palms cup my breasts and his hands and tongue seductively massage and torture them with pleasure into perfect mounds, hardened nipples making me gasp with need for more. How those hands can simply touch my face or take my hair in them and I surrender almost embarrassingly easily to his ever desire, be it kisses or clothes coming off or more. How those perfect long fingers can stroke me in my most sensitive area, rubbing the bundle of nerves and going in and out of me in perfect harmony so that I scream in the pleasurable pain, begging for more. How they can hold me to him so that I never want to let go…

No Katniss, don't do this to yourself! You don't even know if he's alright or if he's dead because you let those peacekeepers capture him…No you don't care. He's nothing to you, you despise him. His bomb design from a snare, the very one probably that you warned him about being inhuman more likely than not just killed your Prim, the most important person in your life. Or at least she was. Now she's gone and you don't see the point in ever speaking again. These doctors can do all they want to fix your body but they can't make you talk. There's nothing worth talking for anyway.

And so continuing my silent promise to myself to not speak and that I might as well just die here, I don't bother paying attention to anything or anyone, just stare up at the ceiling. Eventually a doctor comes in and checks on my bandages but I only half pay attention. But when I find something disturbingly cool compared to my burned skin and whatever drugs they have me on that seems to numb a lot of the physical pain snaps me out of my daze, finding the doctor putting some strange blue goo on me. What the heck is he doing? From what I can tell there aren't any burns there.

But the doctor isn't paying attention to me, he's looking at some screen faced away from me. I want to ask what he's doing but I can't seem to find my voice, and then I remember I don't want to speak anyway. I'll just let these doctors do whatever it is they want to do to me before I'm allowed to go and then I don't care what happens to me. I'll refuse to eat or drink or do anything, whither away so that I can be reunited with dad and my little Prim. The burns and fires that keep coming back to my mind keep my thoughts off the doctor and the blue stuff, and it's enough to just simply not pay attention to him.

"Well look who's up from knocking herself out again." A familiar rough voice breaks the silence. The doctor's hands briefly stop what he's doing on me, but continues after a warning glance to Haymitch. But Haymitch ignores him, and I just stare. Stare at him and refuse to speak. There's nothing to speak for anyway and no one, not even Haymitch Abernathy and all his insults and sarcastic smartass comments won't make me. Prim is dead and I loathe Gale, there's nothing more to speak for.

"Do you even know what's happened to you?" he questions me, and I have enough in me to roll my eyes at him briefly, though I didn't mean for him to catch it. Of course I know what's happened, it's pretty simple and I couldn't have missed it if I tried. Prim died probably from Gale's bomb design and I'm here with burns all over me because I failed at saving her and I don't really have a will or care to live anymore. Why would he think I don't know?

"Oh, so you do know what this fine doctor is doin here?" he questions me, coming over and standing at the edge of my bed with his arms crossed over his chest, an unreadable expression on his face. It's something between scowling and…amusement almost? Odd combination, even for Haymitch. But why would it matter to me what the doctor's doing. I look again to find him pressing some weird thing to my stomach and tense, paying attention to the screen and not the one way conversation going on right next to him. When it's clear I don't know what's going on, Haymitch gives me a stare with a smirk attached.

"You're pregnant, sweetheart."

…. "I'm what?"

Well what do you know, there is something that could make me speak again. Guess it just goes to show you all dirty liars eventually get burned, and this has got to be worse than a third degree.


	17. Excuses

"I know you've been mute for a while but I didn't think you were deaf." Haymitch replies, clearly enjoying this far more than he should. But…and…I can't be. He's lying.

"You're lying." I shake my head. I will admit, it was a clever trick to get me to talk again. But…no Katniss, just because you've been having sex for like three months or so doesn't mean you're pregnant. Haymitch is just messing with you to bring you out of this mess with Prim and Gale, to make you talk. He knows what I've done with Gale and he's using it against you.

"I'm afraid he's not Miss Everdeen." The doctor frowns from his seat, looking to Haymitch and very much wishing he would go away, seeming agitated. Well good, guess we're on the same page. But Haymitch doesn't listen to him, just pulls a chair over and sits it near where he was standing. "You are about seven weeks along. See?"

With that, he precariously turns the machine which he has been focused on and turns it to me, once again pressing the weird thing in his hand to my blue-gooed stomach. It takes a minute, but clear on the image is what looks like a lima bean, maybe a little bigger. But…and…

"What is this?" I question, almost not wanting to because I'm dreading the answer.

"This is an ultrasound machine. It allows us to essentially look inside your uterus and see the baby's progress, how far along you are and such. Very common appointment here in the Capitol for women who are pregnant." He explains, but I shake my head.

"No, I can't be pregnant. How could I be pregnant?" I reply mostly just to myself, still in denial. To my utter annoyance, I find Haymitch's guffaw instantly answer me.

"Oh I think you very well know how the birds and bees work, sweetheart. Betcha enjoyed it too." He smirks in clear amusement, enjoying this far more than I am. Actually that's not hard, I'm not enjoying this at all and I'm well beyond pissed. But I do still have the courtesy to blush at his comments.

"But…" But I still can't be pregnant! I don't want a baby! I never have and I never will, and now…and now…

If I thought I hated Gale before it's nothing compared to now. Aside from the fact of hating myself. How could I have possibly have let this happen? Why did I even let this start? I never wanted love or kids or anything and then I had to go and have sex for god's sake, all the freaking time! Why didn't I even think about the reprocussions? How could I have possibly been that fucking stupid?

"Cause you like fucking, stupid." Haymitch laughs, and as I glare at him I hadn't realized that I had said that last part out loud. Guess I really am stupid.

"Miss Everdeen." The doctor tries to get my attention back, and after one last annoyed death glare to the worst mentor in all of history I turn my head towards him, finding him all business. At least it's good to know he finds nothing funny in my predicament like Haymitch apparently does. I wonder how long that bastard's been waiting to say something to me about the whole sex thing? Probably until something like this happened I think to myself, rolling my eyes internally while mentally beating myself and Gale up again.

"Because of your excessive burns and injuries you almost had a miscarriage, but luckily you aren't too far along and we were able to stabilize you quickly enough to prevent that. However, you are still in a dangerous condition for the baby so we will need to keep you at least another week or two to monitor both of you, but afterwards you can go where you choose." He answers, and I'm honestly still in shock over the whole thing. But…how could I go wherever I want. There's still a war going on, right?

"War's over, sweetheart. Snow surrendered after those bombs went off." Haymich answers me as if he could read my mind. Which reminds me...Gale.

"Who knows?" I question, and the doctor and Haymitch share a look before answering. But I don't have the patience for this and annoyed, ask again.

"Just us and a few nurses. We didn't know if the baby would make it so we thought it wise to keep mum on the information, but in general we thought that we'd leave it up to you to tell your news." The doctor replies, and I'm almost grateful for that. Good, well if no one knows then I can still…what exactly? Sure I can try to hide it, heck, I didn't even know myself that I was pregnant until now so I doubt anyone else did. But eventually that's not going to be possible.

"We'll leave you with your thoughts, Miss Everdeen. I know this is a lot to find out about, especially after such a horrible loss for you." The doctor breaks the silence sympathetically, and forces Haymitch to go out of the room with him, leaving me alone.

I stare at the door for a while before daring to look down, seeing my hospital gown still exposing my stomach while my legs are modestly covered by a sheet. The blue goo is gone after the doctor cleaned it off somewhere in my shock, but that's not what surprises me. What does is that I swear for the first time I can see it protruding. It's just a little, but now that I know it's there I can see it. Tenatively, I touch my stomach. My stomach has always been taut from hunting for our food and in general not having enough to eat for years, but now it's hard and smooth. Just barely different but it's there.

How could I have possibly not noticed this before? I mean…I guess I have been eating better since I won the Games so maybe I just thought if at all that that's where I gained the weight from. And though my period wasn't regular by a long shot before I started eating better as well, I know from my mother that too much stress can prevent you from having a period. Now that I think about it I haven't had a period for about three months, but maybe I just put it down to stress if I remembered at all that I missed it. After all, there was more than enough to be stressed about at the time. And…I have been more tired and hungry lately, but what soldier wouldn't be, right?...right?

And the worst part is, combine all those excuses with the one about not being protected or even thinking about it when having sex all these months and I just feel completely stupid. How could I not see this coming? How did I not see that I was pregnant? I mean, it didn't even register in my mind. All I could think about when I wanted sex was how good I would feel, how much I wanted it.

Or maybe I was just lying to myself.

Seven weeks. Where would I have even been seven weeks ago? Let's see…well I think I've been here about a week, maybe a week and a half here in the Capitol since I don't actually know what day it is. And before that I had three weeks of training. Before that I was in District 2 for two and a half weeks. So where would that put me? When District 13 was being bombed maybe? It was a few days before I left for District 2, after all. So…the bunker?

The bunker. Where I noticed the difference between sex and making love for the first time. Seems oddly and yet ironically appropriate that the boy I made love to that made this baby is now the very one I loathe. For more than one reason now.

Oh yes, now I have plenty of reason to hate him.

\

"Hey Catnip." He sighs heavily, staring at both of us in the mirror much like I am. I'm back in my Mockingjay suit a week after I found out that I'm pregnant, getting ready to execute President Snow. My worst enemy. I can tell Gale's trying to find any trace of the boy and girl in the woods from so long ago, but he can see as well as I can that they're both long gone. We left them far behind when the Hunger Games began for me, when we started having sex. When I ended up pregnant for god's sake. But I don't think he knows yet, and I don't think he can tell in the mirror my now small protruding belly that my eyes instantly go to every time I see my reflection now. But the suit is black and it is small, so maybe he doesn't notice.

"Here, they told me to bring you this." He awkwardly claims, holding up a quiver with a single arrow in it. But I could care less about why he's really here, because I don't believe for a second it's the real reason why. I let him adjust the quiver on me before asking the burning question, the one he must know is coming.

"Was it your bomb?"

A deep sigh meets the question, but his painful gaze meets mine like a mirror before answering. "I don't know. Neither does Beetee." He tells me, and I know he's telling the truth. We may both be liars but we were always horrible at lying to each other. "Does it matter? You'll always be thinking about it."

He's right in a way. But it should matter, at least now. He is the father of this baby I'm carrying, the very one I never wanted and he knew that more than anyone. When I don't answer right away, he takes that as his guess is correct before I can even say a word.

"That was the one thing I had going for me, taking care of your family."

I hold back a gulp at that. I guess in a way he's right, he was the one that helped me from the moment we met with feeding my family like I helped him with his own. He took care of them when I was in the Games. He very well may have killed Prim. But taking care of my family? Yes, he always did. What's left is if he will take care of his new family, this child growing in my belly. I know he always wanted kids but I didn't. Would he take care of it? Probably. No, yes, definitely yes.

"Shoot straight, okay?" he says, his pain resonating through his eyes as his hand lays on my cheek. He lets it linger for a moment before the warmth leaves my face, instantly bringing back memories of those hands warming other places. How I could stop him right now and take him, rip off the clothing and stroke him until he gasps my name and thrusts himself into me as he holds me to him against a wall and…

No Katniss! You're already pregnant for god's sake and you hate him. But if I'm already pregnant what's the harm? Nothing worse could happen to me at this point, right? Even now I'm throbbing with that teasing pain, the one just begging to be sated by his hard, smooth,

No! But you should at least tell him about the baby, right? Don't let him leave without telling him.

"Gale." I almost panic in a whisper, stopping him in his tracks as he turns at the doorframe. He looks at me expectantly, clearly confused and still agonized but there's hope there. But there's a burn on his face that I don't know where he got it from and it stops the words from coming out of my mouth. Because that burn reminds me of all of mine and how I'm scarred for life literally with these new awkward skin grafts, how he's already completely altered the rest of my life by neither of us even thinking of mentioning that I could get pregnant, how he made me want him so damn much in the first place to not only give him my virginity, but sex all the damn time. No, Gale got me pregnant which will take my freedom and could have taken away my sister.

"I will." I say weakly, and he looks for more but when he doesn't get it turns disappointed to the door and closes it, leaving me alone.

But I don't smile at actually getting away with lying to him, or at least not telling him something. I may be pregnant by him but that doesn't mean I have to tell him. I'm already a dirty liar, right? Well guess what? He made me one and he's going to get the biggest lie out of it.


	18. Fantasies

Snow is dead.

Coin is dead.

I have to keep reminding myself that as I wake up after every nightmare, several times a night it seems. Of course that could be for many reasons, but I'd say the most prominent would be where I am currently. Of course I practically made them take me here this time so it's really my own fault in a way, but my room on the twelfth floor of the Training Center is my home again. Or more accurately as it could also be called, a glorified prison cell.

After that horrible last meeting with Gale, I went to visit President Snow. I really don't know why, but I felt it was appropriate somehow. And he actually gave me his condolences for Prim and also indicated what I should have noticed in the first place; that he was not the one to drop those bombs. That Coin did. Of course, how could I have been so stupid as to not see that? I already made the connection with Gale's design though I didn't know if it was really his, and the parachutes seem like something a Gamemaker would come up with, someone like Plutarch. So if Coin dropped those bombs, she was really someone to blame. So instead of killing Snow like I should have, I shot Coin on her stupid balcony dead and Snow choked on his own blood laughing at me.

I screamed for Gale to kill me when the soldiers came to get me for my crime, desperate to end my misery. Prim was gone, I could no longer be with Gale from his own possible connection to my sister's death, and I had a stupid baby on the way that I never wanted. Really, it would have been a blessing. But he didn't, and I couldn't help but scoff in my head. Was this some sort of childish way of getting back at me for not killing him and letting him get captured? Perhaps, but maybe it could have just been that he loved me too much to do it, even after everything. After all, I couldn't make myself do it. So I tried for suicide, remembering the nightlock pill in my Mockingjay suit, but Peeta stopped me. And so the soldiers took me here to the Training Center to await my fate.

Since I clearly had some sort of death wish there wasn't anything in the room to harm myself unless I got super creative, no sheets on the bed or blinds on the windows or anything. So knowing one way I could do it, starving myself, I changed out of my uncomfortably tight suit from my stomach and put on a dressing gown I found on the chair, thankful that it was loose enough to cover my tiny protruding stomach. Certainly there were people watching me from cameras somewhere in the room twenty four hours a day, and if I wasn't going to tell anyone about it then I wasn't going to give them an easy guess.

Starving was something that I could do before, something that was half necessary when my father died and we were struggling just to survive. Even when I was hunting on a normal basis there would be days that I would go without a meal because I made sure that Prim and my mother would eat before me, so I figured that I could make it long enough to kill myself. It would be painful, but it could work.

Turns out it's not so easy when you're not eating for two instead of just yourself. I stubbornly made it about a day and a half before I nearly passed out from my dizziness that I knew would only result in hospitalization or something and finally broke down and ordered some food. I scarfed it down so fast for my greedy belly that I ordered more, and then decided to screw starving, I would eat whenever I felt like it; maybe they would just think I was getting fat instead of being two months pregnant.

After I started eating again I began to sing to entertain myself, something I hadn't done much at all since my father died. It was just too painful of a reminder. But I found singing soothing, something to pass the time in my boring prison cell between the sleepless nights filled with nightmares of my arenas that I spent nights in this very room before them, of Prim burning and exploding into tiny pieces while I'm always too late to save her, and of Gale.

Those are the worst really, having dreams about him. Not that they're nightmares exactly, far from it actually. Of his hands and tongue and lips and body slick with sweat and our hips grinding against each other's, having dirty, delicious sex over and over. Sometimes it's even making love. Those are the worst because it only reminds me of how this baby was made, and it only makes me angrier and depressed almost. I still don't want a kid, never did, but it looks like now I'm stuck with one from my own stupidity. If I can't starve myself because of it then killing myself to solve a lot of problems clearly isn't going to work. A miscarriage is unlikely now, especially since I apparently almost had one and I could bet money that that doctor is monitoring it somehow even in here. Then he would have no choice but to pull me out of here and everyone would know that I was pregnant, and I certainly don't want that. And since my mother is apparently gone to another district, it's not like she could take the baby for me even if I would let her do that. So I'm stuck with it, and what's left is to make myself accept it.

You know, if I ever actually get out of here that is.

/

"Eh look, yer showing." A drunk Haymitch smirks up from his slouched position on the couch across from me, an entire bottle of some kind of bronze alcohol in his hand, almost half of it gone already. He's with me on our way back to District 12 after my trial, because apparently they didn't know what else to do with me. Honestly, I felt like that was the best thing that could happen. No one but Haymitch knows I'm pregnant, and I can easily keep it that way as long as I stick to my house. Shouldn't be too hard, because I'm already fed up with Haymitch and it's only been like four hours since we got on this train.

I roll my eyes at him before glaring in annoyance. "No I'm not." I know he's just messing with me, probably even more so from how drunk he is and he knows that it would annoy me to hear it. But even though I'm in fairly normal clothes again, it would only be somewhat obvious to someone who knows I'm pregnant that I am. Other than that, it could just look like my clothes fit me weird or I had a big lunch or something.

He laughs and shrugs. "Ya will soon."

Choosing to ignore that statement, I'm glad when he doesn't break our silence again and just goes back to silently drinking in the bar car and leaving me alone which I'm grateful for. I curl up in my chair with a blanket over me, my eyes trained on the windows where Panem is flying by but I'm not really seeing anything. Because in that silence I've quickly gone back into my own little daydream world, my new favorite past time it seems. It seems odd even to me, but what I'm doing is fantasizing about having sex with Gale. I still hate him for getting me pregnant and the connection with the bombs, but something in me just can't seem to let him go, especially when I get those throbbing, horny urges. I tried ignoring it the first few times but I find that if I just let my mind wonder for a while, I can just pretend nothing is wrong and get some sweet release out of it.

Hmm let's see…we're in our woods, our real woods outside of District 12, not the ones outside of District 13. I haven't been there in so long and neither has he, but it's our first trip back there. We grab our bows and gamebags but already silently admit to ourselves that not much hunting is going to happen, and hand-in-hand our feet immediately take us to our spot. We sit down, contently munching on blackberries like we always used to and letting their sweet tartness fill our stomachs before I close my eyes and sigh in a sweet bliss. But that bliss only intensifies as I feel his soft slightly chapped lips claim mine and his hands practically burning my flesh with the desire that comes from his skin on mine.

It feels so good that I can't stand just leaving it at this, and my tongue greedily makes its way past his teeth and explores his mouth, and I instantly taste those blackberries we were just eating assault my mind which is already going far and away to a very different, dirtier place. Luckily he seems to feel the same, and I sort of go crashing onto the ground as I lose my balance from the rock but I don't really care, as Gale falls on top of me and any bruise I would have had has ceased to matter at the moment.

I rip at his shirt and pull it off as quickly as possible, my hands greedy to grope at his smooth, taut muscles that are even more prominent after months of training, his heart racing under my hand as he grips my breasts in his, and I don't even know how my shirt came off. Moans of delight and an aching lust come unconsciously out of my mouth as his perfect fingers massage my breast and roll my nipples until they are two hard mounds, and he bites each one which makes me scream his name.

I fumble with his belt and pants and pull them and his underwear down as far as I can manage before pulling down my own, taking them off while I'm beneath him. One of his hands comes up to my head and grips my hair as his mouth attacks mine with their faint berry whisps on top of his own addicting taste, and his other hand comes down to me, his thumb rubbing at that bundle of nerves while two of his fingers enter me, going in and out at fast and furious. Our kisses get messier but his fingers keep going, and the knot inside me that is just begging for release gets tighter and tighter until I just can't stand it anymore, and…and…

"What are ya doin, sweetheart?"

Freezing where I am and feeling caught in the act somehow, my eyes fly open to find Haymitch back again from the bar and studying me with a strange expression, and I don't think it has anything to do with the booze reaking from his body. Crap. Umm…

"Just sleeping." I lie, thankful for the fact that my eyes were closed. And the blanket over me for that matter as I slip my hand quickly out of myself, cursing it for being sticky with my own wetness.

"You were moaning or sometin. What the hell were ya dreaming about?" Haymitch informs me, and I have to remind myself to remain calm. You weren't doing anything, you were just…just…Well I probably was moaning. But I'm not going to admit that, especially to someone like my drunk mentor. He's already got enough over me with this whole pregnant thing, I don't need his crap about this too.

"Was not. You're making that up." I protest, though I'm not sure if it's a lie or not. It's not like I really pay attention to what I'm actually doing when my mind goes into that daydream world, I could have been. And he might have caught it if he was standing there long enough.

"Am not." He insists, but he practically stumbles and falls as he comes into the room and I stare at him.

"Are too. You're drunk, you're just hearing things." I shake my head at him before getting up, letting the blanket fall on the chair. I'm sure to hide my hand discreetly from him so he doesn't get a chance to see anything on it.

"Whatever." He grumbles, but plops back down on his chair as I go out of the room and quickly go to my own bedroom on the train.

Once there, I go into the bathroom and with my clean hand I turn on the sink and let my own wetness and guilt and lies wash off of it, turning off the sink and staring at the mirror. My eyes instantly go towards my belly like usual now and I sigh.

Gosh, when did I become such a liar? The only people who know I've had sex I'll either never talk to again, they're dead, or they know I'm pregnant and therefore I can't really lie to them. But it seems I can, and I was just lucky that Haymitch was too drunk to question me or observe me much right now. I'm such a liar I can't stand myself sometimes, but I know I'm going to have to continue the lies even if it's for my own selfish needs.

Because that's what dirty liars do, right?


	19. Beast

"Eat. Not gonna do anyone good starving yourself, girl." Greasy Sae insists as she half shoves a plate of food at me where I've been firmly planted on the couch with a blanket over me for much of the day every day since I came back to District 12 about three months ago I'd guess.

I take the food without looking her in the eye, because I'm not sure I could take that look. I know what I'll find, and I don't want to see it. Pity. Feeling sorry for me and the mess I'm in, what I got myself in and what others put me in. And the anxiety of course, the nervousness for my condition and how I don't seem to really care about it at all at the same time.

Ever since I came back, I haven't bothered to really speak anyway. After Haymitch led me to my house in Victor's Village when we got off the train he stumbled off to his own and I guess he decided I would be fine because he has yet to check up on me, or at least of when I'm aware of it. With the lack of someone to take out any of my anger on, I reverted back to the mute mess on the inside, crushed by grief for my sister again as well as the shock of being pregnant finally ebbing away, and leaving much of my anger towards myself. Of course I have plenty towards him still, but the depression seems to overthrow that much of the time so I don't bother being outwardly angry at all.

To my surprise the morning after I got back when I woke up to the sunshine on my face from the window since I fell asleep in the rocking chair staring into the fire looking for answers there, I was alarmed to hear someone…or something in the kitchen. But my suspiciousness went away a little when Greasy Sae walked in with a plate of food and walking over to me with her disabled granddaughter in tow. Less alarmed, but still distrustful. Her being here could only be the work of someone else, probably Haymitch, to take care of me. And the fact that she only glanced down to my stomach once as she handed me the plate of food without a word and didn't seem very surprised told me that someone already clued her in about that little detail. I was brought momentarily out of my gloom at that, worried that she would want to talk about it or at least ask the obvious questions like whose is it or something, but she just called for her granddaughter and walked out of the room after she was satisfied that I was actually going to eat when I took the first bite. I may be a mute again, but I know I can't starve myself even if I wanted too. This darn baby won't let me.

The baby…I've had months to think about it as my stomach grows, the only thing I really think about besides Prim. How am I going to do this? Do I even want to? No, I don't want to of course, but it's not like I have a choice. I know that I'm not really going to be much of a parent probably, but my other options for it are slim to none. My mother I don't trust under any circumstance, even if she is the baby's grandmother. She left me for District 4 and I haven't bothered to call, after all. Even if she doesn't know I'm pregnant (I certainly haven't told her), it still would have been the right thing for a mother to do to comfort her daughter in their shared grief instead of running away and that clearly never happened, now did it? I still could have needed her and she left me alone. And really the only other option would be Gale, the one who helped me get into both of these messes in the first place. But that would require me actually talking to him or seeing him, and since I lied and never told him in the first place it's best just to not go there. So the kid's basically mine whether I want it or not.

And thinking of the baby only seems to make it worse too. The more my stomach grows, the more obvious it becomes to anyone that I'm pregnant (luckily not many people since I haven't left the house), the more I miss Gale. I want to shoot myself for it because I should hate him, but even when I deny it myself all day I still dream about him at night. Really, it's the only time I'm not having a nightmare that I dream of him most of the time, and that's something I really don't like to think about. Because most of those dreams only try to subside the pain away that's begging for him, but really all it accomplishes is leaving me frustrated and unsated in the morning. Which only leaves me grumpy and horny in the morning and beginning the cycle all over again.

I tell myself that it's just the pregnancy hormones because my mother had medical books that had many symptoms of pregnancy and it had said as much in not so many words, and a part of it probably is. But I also can't lie to myself that I would be horny anyway sometimes, because once I gave into sex, that beast in me keeps begging for more. And before, the beast would always be sated without much hesitation or effort aside from those frustrating weeks where someone refused me for his own stupid ultimatum, but now…Well now, I'm left to my own devices, but it doesn't seem to quite get the job done. There's always something more, a feeling of being unsatisfied left. I hate it, but there's not much I can (or really, will) do to change it so I try to deal with it.

It certainly doesn't help that my five month pregnant stomach gets in the way now of even that. The stretch marks on my body would bother me a little anyway, but now they just seem to downright vex me. Oh sure, let's just add those to the burned tissue patching my body as well. Not that it really ever mattered to me what I looked like and I've got no one to impress anymore even if I did, but still. One thing that seems to help though is that pregnancy has made my breasts swell. They are far more sensitive and bigger, and therefore many of my attempts at fantasies to sate my lust involve them. I try not to think how much Gale would like them, but it's pretty hard when I'm guiltily thinking of him touching them, swirling his tongue around the larger more sensitive nipples, massaging and biting until I scream out in such sweet agony as they harden into large mounds.

Nor do I try to think of him loving the roundness of my belly either, or how much my lust has exponentially grown because of it. I know that he always wanted kids, and now he's got one on the way and he doesn't know it (and I know it's because of me, but I'm still not telling him). But another thing he'd love would be my hunger for sex growing, and even at five months pregnant I know he'd be able to ebb my pain away, lock away my beast even if for just a little while. Like he could right now…

Making sure with a quick glance that Greasy Sae and her granddaughter are nowhere in sight or hearing, I put my half eaten plate down on the table next to the couch and move my nightgown up and leaving it scrunched above my belly under my blanket. My hand comes from it to caress my stomach as he would, feeling the round hardness and even catching a flutter of movement in there as I have for a few weeks now I guess, a momentary lapse in the darkening of his eyes replaced with a feeling of sheer joy and wander before going back to pure lust as his hand travels the rest of the way down my stomach to the hot, wet and throbbing prize, begging for attention. And attention it gets as the beast in my mind growls for it.

His perfect fingers easily part my folds while his other hand rubs me in the most sensitive area, leaving me unconsciously moaning softly before gasping lightly at the sensation. With that smirk I've come to love that tells me I'm in for a ride, he continues rubbing me while one finger enters me, pumping slowly and making me beg for him to go harder and faster. He teases me of course like he loves to do at first, chuckling with dark eyes as I pull on his hair and try to put his head down to sate some of it since he's torturing me with his teasing, but he refuses. Instead, he goes to worship my breasts with wet openmouthed kisses while he finally puts another finger in, pumping faster and harder just like I wanted. In my head I'm yelling his name and indescriptive noises and words as he pumps and rubs and kisses me faster and faster to that sweet release, and when it comes I slump down in content before opening my eyes with a ghost of a smile.

And like usual, the beast isn't quite as sated as it should be, leaving me wanting. But I'm too exhausted and frustrated to try again because I can't ever get myself to the same orgasm as he could. So instead I wipe my hand on my nightgown before pulling it back down, falling back into depression as I shut my eyes again with the blanket protectively over me, trying to sleep because I can't bring myself to do much else. Try to sleep. Eat what I can. Think, think, think, about Prim and Gale and the baby and how I'm so alone and depressed and angry that sometimes I can't stand it.

Until I wake up of course, and find I'm certainly not alone. But it takes me a second to place that it's not Greasy Sae or her granddaughter like usual before he's halfway across the room, moving slowly and carefully with his hand behind his back. I don't speak, just stare at him. My depression and rage are too heavy in my expression to show much else, but I'm sure some hint of suspiciousness and astonishment are in there too.

"Hi Katniss." He greets me quietly as he kneels down in front of the couch I'm glued to, staring into my eyes.

"Hi Peeta." I croak out, my voice cracking from disuse. Well, other than those unconscious moans and groans I make when trying to sate the beast…oh crap! Does Peeta know I'm pregnant? Does it even matter?

"Here. I planted some bushes out front for you." He claims as his hand comes from around his back, leaving me staring at a posy of primroses. A posy…gosh, even with Peeta here I can't stop thinking of the Hawthornes. Granted it's not him, but it might as well be. Posy is the youngest Hawthorne and only reminds me of the ridiculously obvious fact that she won't be the youngest for much longer whether she knows it or not. I just can't get away from him even with Peeta here, can I? Oh wait, Peeta. He's probably waiting for an answer.

"Thank you." I whisper, sort of touched by his actions. I force myself to take the flowers with a slightly shaky hand and put them down on the table, looking to him with sad eyes.

He touches my cheek gently with his palm and doesn't speak for a moment before sighing and pulling his hand away. "I'll be here tomorrow if you want me here. Do you?" he questions me softly, almost afraid of my answer. He's so…Peeta. Like he's never been tortured or hijacked or anything. Did they finally cure him?

But do I want him here? No, not at all. But he must know I'm pregnant then, even if he hasn't mentioned it or even looked at my stomach under the blanket. Maybe Haymitch told him, because I wouldn't put it past him. Maybe there was more in the flowers than just a little thing for Prim. Maybe he's just forgiving me and wants to start anew even if I'm pregnant with someone else's kid. I still don't want him here, but really I know he'll come back anyway.

"Sure, I'd like that." I lie with a small voice, hoping it's covered by my cracked unused voice. I can't bring myself to smile, but even he could probably dismiss that as my depression.

He smiles at me though and I can see the hope in his eyes as he leaves the room. And after he's gone I try to feel guilty about lying, but I can't bring myself to. Nothing at all. I'd normally put it down to the more potent things I'm feeling like sadness and anger, but I already know I can't blame that.

I've one hundred percent become a dirty liar, and I can't even feel bad about lying anymore. It's just what I've become, another part of the beast within me.

Oh well. At least that part of the beast can be sated.


	20. Karma

"Your move, Katniss." Peeta reminds me in a soft voice which brings me back to reality, as I blink a few times and find him looking at me expectantly. He's looking at me with all the patience in the world that I certainly don't have, and a mixture of something I can't read. It sort of frustrates me that I can't, but then again I never could. There's only one person I could ever read like it was written on his face, and it isn't someone I particularly want to deal with ever again. Well…not the real Gale anyway. The one in my imagination that feeds my sexual fantasies I'm more than happy to see.

"Sorry." I mumble and try to focus on the chess board in front of me. I've never been particularly good at this, but Peeta brought the game over to me where I'm still on my couch draped in blankets and moved the coffee table to put it on in, sitting on the other side. Without really paying attention to it, I randomly move a pawn forward one place, distracted once again by my own thoughts and sadness.

Peeta has yet to bring up the fact that I'm pregnant in the week that he's been back in District 12. In fact, he hasn't even looked down to my stomach or even given any indication that he knows. It's odd, but maybe he's waiting for me to bring it up. I don't really know. He's been here when Greasy Sae has brought me food and she's certainly raised her eyebrow that he's acting so normal (which brings me to the conclusion that if she hadn't figured it out herself that this kid is most definitely not Peeta's, Haymitch or someone informed her of it), but hasn't said a word about it. Honestly, I don't know why he can't tell if he doesn't know since pregnancy is not exactly the most discrete thing at five and a half months along, but maybe it's the blanket…

No, that's stupid, he has to know. I mean there is a bulge where my stomach is under the blanket, and he has to have seen pregnant women before. Surely he knows and is just good at hiding it. But though it sounds chicken, I'm not bringing it up. No way.

"Katniss." I hear my name again, and when I look up the strain in Peeta's patient demeanor tells me that I've gone off in my own little world again. It appears with depression and unexpected, unwelcome pregnancy comes focus issues. I should probably work on that, but I can't find it in me to care at the moment.

"I'm here." I almost whisper, trying to feel guilty but I'm really not. I would have been fine without having to talk to anyone and he comes over every day now. I just don't have the heart to tell him to stay away after all he's been through.

He shakes his head, and softly says to himself almost more than me. "You are. You're mind isn't."

Suddenly I'm mad at this, even if it does seem irrational. "No, it's not." I reply bitterly, turning my head away from his gaze and down to my bulge under the blanket. Yes, my mind isn't in the present, and I don't want it to be. I'm happy with staying in the past with my beautiful precious living sister, or I'm even fine with worrying about the future that's currently growing in my belly and how on Earth I can do this, and on my own too. I'm even fine with my little fantasy world where Gale's hand's and tongue and lips and all of him overtake me just to get a little edge off the horny, desperate needs I now have because I have no other way anymore. But the now…now is not a time I want to think about. Peeta may be here, but I really feel so alone and lost.

"Katniss." A breathy, apologetic whisper filled with compassion and sympathy sounds, a gently hand hesitantly on my chin and slowly forcing me to look up. He's kneeling by the couch and I can tell he's trying so hard to be here for me. It's sweet and I probably don't deserve it, but brings me back to the now for the moment. "I'm so sorry; I know you're having a hard time with her being gone. I just wish I could make you better. That's all I want."

Just having a hard time with Prim being gone? So he really doesn't know? Well crap, that means that I'll have to tell him at some point since he obviously is blind to the facts. But…he's so sincere, and he would forgive me eventually. Heck, he would even be a better parent than I would be by a long shot, I thought as much back in the Quarter Quell.

Hmm…speaking of which, that reminds me. He did tell the whole of Panem I was pregnant then, and well, now I am. It occurs to me that karma's got a sense of humor, but I push that aside for now. Maybe I could convince him that the kid was his, that he didn't remember because of his hijacking. That I found out when I was in District 13. I mean sure the timing is off by at least three months or so, but maybe he wouldn't realize or something. It's worth a shot I guess; I'm already a really dirty liar, I've quite clearly established that.

"I know." I give him a small smile, the first that's graced my face since well…since the Capitol before Prim's death. He seems happy by this, and I take the moment to do something I should have a long time ago. "Thank you." I get out, but it's only a whisper even though I wish it wasn't. Thank you for being there for me all those times I didn't deserve it, like now. Thank you for being better because I can't help thinking it was my fault, and thank you for the hopeful future that I can pull this lie off. You know, when he opens those deep blue eyes of his and figures it out.

He seems utterly surprised by this, and I know somewhere in me is because I'm saying thank you. Ha, me, saying thank you for no particular reason, or at least in his mind. He seems to contemplate it, but then he slowly leans into me as his face gets closer to mine where it's firmly in place by his hand on my chin. I want to recoil from it, but I refrain and let it happen, knowing that if this lie is going to be pulled off at all I'm going to have to convince him somehow that I can kiss him and do…well much more.

So I shut my eyes and when his lips meet mine, they're warm and soft and I move mine softly with his, letting go. Or at least trying to let go. Despite everything, I can't help comparing at this point in the game. They're not chapped and a little less full, and unfortunately for me there's no pull for more. In fact, this feels alien. Wrong. It's warm but there's no fire, no immediate passion driving me into a desperate frenzy for more. Not anything at all like…like…

Damn Gale for being so good at this stuff.

But I push back those thoughts and try, really try to get into it. Peeta seems to have no knowledge of how desperately hard I'm trying to feel the want, the need, the anything at all, and the kiss gets harder. He eventually brings his other hand to my face and both hands caress my cheeks, my hair, my anything. They go down my arms and warm them up too, and it almost tickles. He pushes harder and gets lost in it and when I'm finally, finally willing to get into it too and just let this be, his hands go to my blanket and land on my hard, protruding stomach.

His kisses stop instantly and feels around it before leaning back on his heels with his hand frozen on my stomach, looking to me desperately and unbelieving for an explanation. I try and hope and pray that my face doesn't look guilty, but really that's what I'm feeling. Without warning to me, the blanket comes off and his eyes go wide as he finally sees my protruding stomach that is clearly seen through my too small shirt.

His mouth pops open as he stares in silence, and for the first time since I can properly remember the boy with words has nothing to say. He's speechless. Shocked. With good reason surely, but I can't bring myself to speak or apologize or even explain. I'm coward enough to wait for him. Besides, the evidence pretty much speaks for itself.

"You're…"

"Yes." I finally whisper, knowing exactly what he's going to say. I wait for the blow, but it takes another minute for him to fully compose himself into some sort of speaking mode, and when he does, he looks up to me, the pain and anguish clearly shining in his eyes which almost look teary. Even without speaking I can see him counting back the months, desperately trying to figure out what's happened here. How much can he possibly know about pregnancy anyway? He was the youngest child in his family, after all.

"But…him."

Well crap, guess he's figured that out. Even my stellar lying skills of late can't get through this one, and somewhere in me I knew it never would. So for once in the recent past, I keep the dirty lying under wraps and tell the truth for once. He does deserve it after all.

I gulp, but there's no apology in my tone or my expression when I finally work up the courage to speak. Guilt and anger and pain, yes, but no apology. Over the months I've realized that it's just as much my fault as Gale's if not more that this happened, and I certainly wouldn't have felt bad about the means of it, not now anyway. I realize it means that I'm sex obsessed and that probably is his fault, but really I was quite a willing participant if not driving us to it a lot of the time.

"Yeah."

"But…you…and he…" Peeta tries desperately to understand, and closes his eyes in clear pain before focusing on me again. "Why did you lie?"

"I thought you knew." I almost whisper, even though it's a partial lie. I kind of figured it out and didn't know how to bring it up anyway. It's not something you just randomly pop on someone in this kind of situation after all.

"Why did you kiss me?" he questions, attempting to keep his cool and not cry but I can see the tears threatening to fall as he is on the brink of falling apart at this revelation. Oh Peeta…

"I don't know." I lie, because I'm not going into that. I'm also trying to deal with the fact that it's made me realize that Peeta's not the same and even though I'll never see Gale again by choice, he doesn't need to know that. I can at least spare his feelings there.

He's quiet for a moment, but then I see the full force of anger come back to him, something I haven't seen very often. "No." he almost growls, and gets up abruptly and at once starts stalking out of the room.

"Peeta!" I cry, trying to stop him, but he doesn't. Clumsily I get off the couch and try to chase after him, but between the fact that I have very little energy and haven't exactly used my legs much in the past few months plus my big belly makes it hard and awkward. I finally make it to the door which he's slammed shut and look through the window, finding him running towards his Victor's Village home.

A weak, pathetic whimper escapes me and I slide down the door to the floor exhausted, finally allowing myself to cry. For Prim. For this baby. For my mother leaving me alone here. For never letting myself see Gale again. For quite clearly losing Peeta, the boy who I never in a million years thought would leave me, because it's pretty obvious to him that I haven't chosen him even if he's the one here and Gale's not, even if I don't ever want to see Gale again or even want this baby.

For being utterly, heartbreakingly alone. I really should have seen this coming in retrospect, but I just couldn't get past the fact that lying helped me then. A dirty liar really does come crashing down, but really all I can think at the moment is one solitary thing.

Karma's a bitch.


	21. Lies

"You didn't tell him!" I scream in a hoarse voice, one that would have been much worse a week ago. But my pure, unadulterated anger for the awful drunk in front of me has taken over me in full force, and all of a sudden all my depression has disappeared for the moment. Which means I had no problem at all shoving the old drunk out of his chair with all the strength I have left after I labored over getting here, a mere thirty yards maybe but after crying for at least an hour and the lack of movement it took me much longer than it should have. But my strength is back with the rage, and surprisingly, it's a lot.

He waves around his knife as his bottle of that white liquor spills over the table and onto him making me think somewhere in my fury that Ripper is back in Twelve and in business again somehow, but it's quickly pushed aside again as I stand over the man as he stops flinging his knife around and looks up to me, swelled belly and all from his place on the ground.

"I told ya I wasn't gonna tell anyone!" he yells back, trying to get up from his place on the floor and holding his head in his hand that's covered in alcohol. I'm still seeing red, but even through that I can tell what he's really trying to say. That when he said he wouldn't tell anyone at all about my…condition back in the hospital in the Capitol, he meant it. But in this situation, I would have much rather him inform Peeta than have it come to the surface the way it did.

He's looks up and assesses that I'm not going to shove or hurt him anymore most likely, so he cautiously stands up and looks down at me, shaking his head. "Tell ya the truth, I can't believe it took the boy so long. Thought he was smarter than that."

Me too, but that's not the point. I mean granted that blanket was pretty thick, but why wouldn't he have figured it out? Actually, I'm surprised he didn't figure it out before, in District 13 or even the Capitol. Quite a few other people did, that's for certain. Even if they said nothing they knew. Heck, I figured out that he didn't know this week and still didn't just tell him. Suddenly I feel guilty for that and angry at all of us, because he really didn't deserve to find out like that. Or really, at all, but I guess that was inevitable. So almost inperceptively, I nod in agreement to Haymitch but can't seem to make myself talk out of guilt. This really is my fault.

Haymitch picks up the bottle that spilled with his rude wakeup call and downs what's left of the bottle before speaking again, assessing me. Trying to see if he should inform me or not of something. I sigh, tired of not knowing anything.

"Well?" I question him almost annoyed but so, so tired. All this energy used that I really don't have is starting to drain on me now that the adrenaline is fading away. I just need to know what he does so I can work my way back home and crash again into exhaustion and misery, hoping to leave this awful day behind in sleep.

"Came over here stormin in a few hours ago, upset and angry. Said he felt stupid not figuring it out, that he thought it was yer legs under the blanket but it wasn't. Asked if I knew too."

Oh well I guess that explains that one little part, why he didn't figure it out himself. He thought my stomach was my knees and that I was sitting with my arms around them in an almost fetal position I guess. Guess he never saw my legs under the blanket, but it still doesn't resolve anything. We all hurt him greatly, me more than anyone.

"Where is he now? At his house?" I ask, knowing that going over there today would not be a good idea even if I had the energy to do it. Suddenly I remember how long it took him to forgive me after the first arena, when he finally found out that I was acting. That I just wanted to come home to my family and Gale. And now…well now, he knows what I've really done with Gale, and it's so much worse. The evidence is so blatantly in his face that it wouldn't be good of me to go at all, and rather wait for him to come to me.

"Nah. Said he couldn't stay here and left, probably for the Capitol or sometin." He replies, stumbling over to his counter and getting a new bottle, twisting off the cap.

I don't blame him in the least, but I wish…I guess I wish I could just explain. Even when I really wouldn't know how to explain in the first place. "Oh." I reply softly, and then stare at Haymitch's now full new bottle. I almost wish I could take one myself like I did after the Quarter Quell announcement and drink myself into oblivion at least for the day, but I couldn't even if I wanted to. Besides, there's no one to go home to or take care of me this time.

"You like fucking things up, don't ya?" Haymitch has all the grace of a drunk to smirk at me before shaking his head in amusement. "Pun intended."

I'd roll my eyes at him, but that would just be begging for another joke on my screwed up situation or another hey guess what I'm unexpectedly pregnant when I didn't want to be laugh on his part, so I settle for glaring at him. I'd like to fuck him up, as in the pummel his face into nothing way, but I know it wouldn't help anything. Because as much as I hate to admit it, he's right in a way, and he's not really the one that's to blame even though I'd love to for all my problems. It's my fault. And Gale's. And the Capitol and Coin's and a whole slew of people. But mostly mine.

But it's too easy to just hate Haymitch right now, and that's what I let myself do as I turn around and prepare myself for the long exhausting tread home, but when I get to the door his voice stops me.

"You can hate me all ya want sweetheart but ya know I'm not to blame." Haymitch warns me, almost annoyingly reading my mind. I really hate with a passion how much alike we are sometimes, especially now. "Lying didn't help ya any, did it?"

No, it didn't. Not at all. But I let myself become that dirty, dirty liar, letting it become a part of me. Ever since that first time in the woods in District 13, when Prim asked me why I was dirty with streaks of dirt and mud on my clothes and face, when I told her I had just fallen. And in a way, I did fall. I fell for the tantalizing option at the moment that lying would protect her, that she didn't need to know. I fell for all of Coin's hatred and traps because I was too focused on someone that in the end didn't even matter. And I started truly falling for…no, don't go there. It doesn't even matter anymore.

"No." I mutter, but somehow he hears me and continues. I really don't want to listen but I can't seem to get myself to move.

"No." he repeats, and even without turning around I can see his arms crossed on his chest, a smirk he wishes wasn't there gracing his face as his eyes bore into the back of my head, probably wishing that I hadn't screwed my own life over so horribly. "It never does. But if ya want someone to blame, I'd say your hunter could be your target for most of yer problems. Including the one growin in ya."

And for a moment, I'm truly surprised. I knew that he knew who's kid it was, that I had be having sex with him for months. But this is the closest he's ever come to really admitting it, and it makes me want to cry. In fact, the tears are beginning to gather in my eyes and I'm glad that Haymitch can't see them. I'd blame it all on hormones and Prim, but even I know that's not true. But I don't want to think about it anymore, so I walk out without another word and labor my way home. And I don't let the tears fall until I'm back on my couch with the blanket protecting me, sobbing into a pillow for everything, everything I've lost.

I must have cried myself to sleep with mental and physical exhaustion, because the next thing I knew the sun was shining and Greasy Sae could be heard in the kitchen. I haven't bothered looking in a mirror but since she stared at my face when she brought me food just a second too long I'd say it's safe to say that my face is red and puffy. Not that I care, but I wish I didn't.

With no one to talk to or force me to do something in a week, I revert back to my silent, brooding depressed self with occasional fantasies when that feeling comes over me, not for the first time wishing they didn't. My baby moves inside me sometimes and that brings me momentarily out of my state, but I try to avoid the anger it brings. It only reminds me of what Haymitch said to me, and Gale, and neither I particularly want to think about. They both only make me angry and I'm too exhausted to give into it.

But one time when it happens, I let myself think what would have happened if I hadn't been pregnant, or even had sex with Gale in the first place. I didn't have to give into the feeling back in those woods, not really. I didn't have to prove anything and there were other ways of making him feel better (though I highly doubt they would have been as effective). Prim still would have died and I'd guess the war would have ended still, but so much more could have been different. For one, I really don't think I'd get all these horny urges and have to think of Gale to somewhat sate the beast. I'd guess that Peeta would have stayed and maybe I would have even gotten better with his help, because he wouldn't have this blatantly obvious reason not to stay. I still wouldn't have wanted to see Gale, but maybe if I hadn't had the shock of being pregnant then I would have stayed in that state of depression full time. I certainly wouldn't have been eating, that's for sure. But would I have been happier in the end? It's hard to think I'll ever be happy or even content again after Prim died, but this baby I guess does give me a reason to live even though it's not here yet. Still, it doesn't mean I wish I was pregnant.

The day fades into night and I sleep whenever, not really paying attention or caring for time. But sometime the next day I'd guess since the sun is shining through the window, I hear the door open. I wouldn't normally wake to it, but I know that Greasy Sae always uses the kitchen door and she must have left hours ago so it can't be her. So blinking away sleep, I make myself sit up and wait for whoever it is.

It's probably Haymitch, though he's never come to check up on me before. Maybe he has some more news on Peeta or something. Or it could be Peeta, coming back after cooling off to the news he found out how he most certainly shouldn't have. It almost makes a ghost of a smile come to my face, because selfishly it would mean that I wouldn't have to do this alone. He wouldn't come back here knowing I was pregnant with someone else's kid unless he was going to stay, no matter how hurt he is. At least this kid would have a good parent even if it wasn't their real one.

I don't hear a sound after the door closes, but that doesn't particularly mean anything. He may just be gathering himself to come face me and I close my eyes waiting almost nervously, trying to pull myself together and at least apologize for the way he found out. I was wrong, Haymitch was wrong, we were all wrong for at least not warning him.

But I don't hear anymore sounds after ten seconds, and I find myself wondering what the heck Peeta is doing. Surely it doesn't take that long to gather himself, does it? He's the one that came back to me. So opening my eyes and turning my face towards the door to wait for him to come in, my eyes go wide with fear and hurt and a thousand other emotions for the first time in months and it mirrors me right back, but really all I can think is how utterly stupid I am. Because I didn't instantly wonder why I didn't hear any noise. It's because the person in front of me doesn't make any noise when he moves.

Gale.


	22. Lines

You could probably hear a pin drop in the kitchen two rooms away for all the silence that follows my recognition of the person standing in the doorframe of my living room, but I'm certainly not silent on the inside. Even in my shock I feel myself giving into the immediate, pulsing frustration and rage that now apparently comes with physically seeing the man that is probably responsible for the death of my little sister in some way, and it gets my blood boiling in a way that nothing else has in months; not Peeta, not Haymitch and all his cracks at my unwanted pregnancy and sex obsession as well as my little stint a few days ago being angry for him not warning Peeta.

But that doesn't stop me from taking in the person in front of me, who at one time was my very best friend who I had an uncomplicated relationship with, one of mutual need for hunting and getting out our true emotions and opinions. Then it became difficultly complicated when I came back from the Hunger Games the first time and something changed between us, but we tried so hard to pretend nothing did. And after the war truly began, we were closer than ever; literally becoming one when we already moved as two halves of a whole being for so long before. It didn't have to be complicated at that point, not really. But it did, and now we both have to deal with the consequences of that. His being his designs that very well may have killed my precious little sister and both of ours being the result of becoming one, a physical entity that shouted to the entire world that it was us put together.

I still can't believe he's here though. I take the silence that will undoubtedly turn into a fight to end all fights very soon to drink in his form, every inch of him that I've only dreamed or fantasized about for so long. In my head there's two Gale's; one the man who killed my sister who is coldly heartless and all about doing anything he can for the war, damn the consequences and the other the playful, sometimes dirty and occasionally loving man that introduced me to the world of sex and orgasms and how deliciously perfect and satisfactory one of the few free (in a manner of speaking, I'm certainly paying now) things in life could be. The man in front of me seems to be both in a way. He looks like he's aged ten years from stress and lack of sleep in the past months, but curiously he has somewhat fresh bruises lining his jaw and cheek. His eyes have that hard edge to them as they glare at me in sheer anger, but even the anger can't hide the hurt lingering close to the surface. I know I deserve every bit of his anger and hurt, but I have plenty of my own that he deserves himself so I try not to let that bug me.

The way he looks at me though, I've never quite seen it before. It's almost terrifying that the boy in front of me could be this way to me of all people, and it urges me to do what I've wanted to before once upon a time; run. Run for the hills to avoid him, my problems, everyone else in the world. Run and run and never look back. But that's not possible anymore. For one, running is something I'm not entirely sure I could do physically at this point considering how weak I was just walking to Haymitch's house a few days ago. For two, my little pregnancy problem would only slow me down and follow me wherever I went anyway. And three…well if I'm being honest, I already knew that even if I wasn't five and a half months pregnant Gale would find me. Hunter, tracker, knowing my mind so well, whatever you want to call it, if I ran he would find me. He would always find me.

And the way he looks at me now with that hard wounded glare as if he's boring right into my very soul, I already know that somehow, someway what he's here for. He's heard that I'm pregnant and knows that he's the only one I've ever done anything at all like sex with. Not because he trusts that I wouldn't do it with anyone else while I was with him or the fact that we flat out lied about it and covered it up the best we could like the dirty liars we are, but the fact that he knows I wouldn't ever do it with anyone else. It vexes me that he knows me so well, but I can't change that now. Nor can he change the fact that I'm pregnant or the fact that I don't want him here because he killed Prim. But if he's here he wants answers, and I don't really feel like telling him he's right. But showing him will be answer enough, and I can do such a better job conveying how I feel with mere looks anyway as I do so.

Trying not to struggle, I place my hands on the cushion of the couch and push myself off of it without ever taking my eyes off of him, letting the blanket drop off of me as I stand. His eyes immediately drink in my swelling stomach and larger breasts under my uncomfortably tight shirt, the shock once again I believe making its way to his face, as if he didn't quite believe it was true until he had proof. Well how's this for proof?

"You didn't tell me." An almost whisper comes out breaking the silence, the surprise in his voice as he doesn't bother to tear his eyes away from the blatant evidence of what he put in me.

"No." I answer in a voice a little louder than his, but it's not an apology. I'm not sorry I didn't tell him because I didn't want him to know in the first place. It was bad enough that I had to live with it.

Suddenly he glances up, his eyes burning with rage, but his voice can't mask the pain in my decision to not tell him about his own kid. "You didn't tell me." He begins, shaking his head almost inperceptively but I know him well enough that he's shaking because he wants to hide his hurt from me. "You didn't tell me, and I had to find out from Peeta."

Surprise crosses my face as I process that, and suddenly I feel stupid. Why didn't I figure out where Peeta would go when he left? He was so angry; I thought I was just at me.

Gale slinks a little closer to me as he keeps talking, not yelling. Yet, anyway. No, this is an almost normal voice, but it's so much scarier that way. But I'm glued to my spot standing here, so I don't move as he continues to clue me in. "Peeta, who comes barreling into my office and punches me with no explanation, defending you! You because he thinks I left you alone when you were pregnant!"

Well that explains a lot. Suddenly Peeta's anger makes sense again and why he left so quickly without any real explanation. He was so angry because he thought Gale knew I was having his baby and knowingly left me to my own defenses, not caring about what he did to me. After everything that's happened to Peeta and what I've done to him, what I've clearly shown him that I can't love him back the way he wants me to, he has every right to loathe me. Instead, he goes and defends me to the one person who actually for once was innocent in doing that wrong at least. I didn't want him here and I was punishing him in an almost childish way by not telling him about the baby, and yet here he is. And all because some other boy can't not love me and goes to defend me even when I've hurt him in so many ways I couldn't even begin to make it up to him.

I can almost imagine the situation too. Gale, doing…well whatever it is he does in his office in District 2 (which I know from Greasy Sae), and Peeta coming in surprising him with a cross anger in his knight in shining armor way, hitting Gale for reasons unknown to Gale. Gale shocked and protesting, and Peeta punching him again as he tries to tell him what an uncaring bastard he is for leaving me with his child on my own. Gale, shock crossing his features and eventually the two of them realizing the truth in the matter, that I told no one at all. And then this, Gale leaving everything probably on the very next train out here to confront me, breaking our unspoken agreement to never speak again.

"You didn't tell me." He repeats again like he's trying to get it into his head that I didn't because it's so odd. Or maybe he's trying to get it into my head, make me tell him why I didn't. He doesn't understand how after everything we've been through I wouldn't. Well if he wants an answer, I'll give him one.

"No. I didn't tell you." I begin, standing my ground and allowing all the hurt and rage from Prim and the shock of finding out I was pregnant that broke me out of my state of muteness fill me, not containing it any longer. "I didn't want you to know."

"Why?" he asks me astonished, almost exasperated. But it can't hide the hurt behind it. And even I know that I was sort of being irrational, but I don't really care at the moment. Seeing him in person after everything is just bringing me right to the edge, and I could really care less if he falls right over it.

"Because you didn't need to know. You are the reason that this is here." I glare, pointing down to my stomach. "You, who knew what could happen and didn't say anything. You, who knew that I never wanted a kid! And now look at me!" I almost laugh, but it's more like choking as I realize the real reason. I wanted to punish him, and it's petty but this was a decent way to do it. "You, who killed my sister!"

"So you were punishing me? With this?" he questions, his own anger boiling over the edge at me. But somehow through mine I can't seem to know when to stop. "I don't even know if it was me! Beetee doesn't know either, I told you that!"

"What's it matter? You said it yourself. What's it matter when I have that image of your snare becoming a bomb just like that, and then I watched her burn right before my eyes from something just like it!" I yell, but I'm almost in tears at the memory. I try so hard not to choke up and desperately want to bury the emotions, but they're out and ready to battle each other and there's nothing I can do to cap them at this point.

"So you think that's an excuse to not tell me I had a kid?" he repeats again, shaking his head. "That's just horrible. You know I'd want to be here, that I would never leave you by yourself if I had known. Hell, if you didn't want me here I would have taken the kid and left after it was born if it made you happy! But you…"

He's literally shaking at this point but I don't care. Besides, I probably am too. Even though I'm not really listening to his excuses, one this does register. He would have taken the baby and left? Just like that I could have not had a kid and pretend I never had one, never having to see either again? No, I might have felt that way before, but I wouldn't let him take the baby anymore. It's mine whether I wanted it or not, and now I wouldn't let him take it from me.

"No, you're not taking it." I declare, glaring.

"Fine, then I'll stay here. It's my baby too." He offers, though even through his wounded rage and trying to sound pleading he's surprised by my insistent want of the baby I never actually wanted. Though I really don't see why that's so surprising.

"No its not." I protest even though it's a glaring lie. Such a lie that all Gale does is an exasperated, unbelieving chuckle.

"No? I have a responsibility Katniss, I'll stay whether you want me to or not. And don't even try the 'it's not my kid' thing."

Well that's not going to work. I don't want him here and this argument isn't going to make him leave. We're both too damn stubborn, but there is one way that I can hurt him in some way he's hurt me. So changing tactics, I drain most of the anger from my voice and force myself not to yell, because I know yelling doesn't get the point across as well as a normal tone that can be so much more frightening.

"You're right." I begin, and he seems wary of me admitting it. Rightly so, of course. "It is yours. Maybe it will be a girl." I inform him, but don't even bother seeing his reaction and keep plowing through. "Maybe I'll name her Prim. So you can kill her too."

Absolute shock and a painful hurt crosses his every feature and he starts stumbling back, unbelieving that I would ever say such a thing. I don't bother following him as he almost runs out of the room and the front door slams closed as he leaves.

I should be satisfied and smile that he's gone just like I wanted and I very much conveyed what I always knew was the reason I never told him, but I'm not satisfied in the least. It was a lie for the most part and I wanted to hurt him, but even I know I went too far. I crossed the line so far that I can't even see it anymore and now I feel guilty. Somehow I'm dreading that I took this dirty liar thing way too far, and all it got me was being heartbreakingly alone again.

Shit.


	23. Emotions

I can't sleep that night, or the one after that. Gale coming back has forced me to think, to let all those feelings come back in full throttle. It's extremely tempting to just allow myself to go into a somewhat mute, unfeeling state again, but the fact is that I'm feeling far too much at this point to cap it and shove it somewhere for later. Too much anger, and pain, and being upset about everything. And yes, slightly guilty though I sometimes wish I didn't.

He doesn't come back though he said that he wasn't leaving, but I honestly don't blame him. I wouldn't want to be around me either. If I were him I'd be in District 2 by now, trying to just forget I knew anything at all. But Gale isn't like that; I know he's still in District 12 somewhere, he's just not coming to see me. And as much as I don't really want to see him, I know that we have to finish this…well whatever we started a few days ago at some point. It's inevitable that we will, and soon.

But not now. And soon, I find that with the return of all those emotions comes back the feeling of being bored. Of the irritation of just sitting around, because I was never one to just sit still. And despite the fact of how pregnant I am and that I don't really have much energy physically, I find myself longing for the woods. I'm in no condition to hunt, but I could still…I don't know, take a walk or something. Maybe with a few breaks I could even make it back to our spot with that rock overlooking the valley, hidden from unwanted eyes by bushes and trees. At least it would be something to fill my day.

And so I leave bright and early the next morning before Greasy Sae would even come in to make sure I eat, leaving with a backpack filled with my old canteen and some food. I already know it's going to take longer in my…condition, so I plan for that. But I don't realize just how long it's going to take me until I arrive almost out of breath at the fence.

It's not turned on anymore of course, but old habits die hard and I find myself checking for the telltale buzzing anyway. But really, that's not the problem. The problem is one I didn't even really think about; crawling under the fence. Pregnant. It's not a very big hole, but I'm not going to let that stop me. I didn't come this far so determined to just let a stupid fence end my plans. I don't know where the stubbornness is coming from again, but I'd assume it has to do with his return. It seems that all those emotions that I was trying to hide and even the ones that I was so naturally but were dormant these past few months have come back in full force, and I don't know how to contain any of them. But for this instance, I don't mind.

It's awkward, and I have to go practically sideways sliding under slowly, but I make it to the other side and triumphantly bring my backpack behind me. Now that that's done I feel like I've accomplished something no matter how silly or little it is, and despite being exhausted from that excess use of energy I somehow have more, so with a little more drive in my step I put the backpack on and continue.

I think idly about stopping for my bow, but then I remember that they're back at my house in Victor's Village, brought there by someone after the war from District 13 I'd assume. Besides the point that I haven't used one in months, let alone do I know if I could use one accurately with my stomach in the way. So not bothering to stop at my hollowed tree on my journey of past times, I plow forward.

It's laborious, and takes far longer than I even planned for with my plans to get there. I have to stop practically every three hundred yards and sit down, take a sip or two of water. I think about giving up and going back because it's a shorter distance and trying again another day, but I'm too stubborn for that and bound and determined to get to my destination today no matter how long it takes me.

And so I finally almost crawl through the blackberry bushes at what must be around lunch time hours later, never so grateful for being here. I make my way to the rock and sigh as I sit down and close my eyes, but it feels not right somehow. Too…big and spacious. Without another person next to me, this rock isn't very cozy. But I know that's my own fault so I try not to let that get to me, and open my eyes to take in the view.

It's practically exactly the same, except the last time I was here it was almost fall when Cressida taped a video of us here and invaded our private alcove, and now it's the beginnings of spring, the trees just showing their new leaves and the grass coming in green again. Exactly the same as every other spring, nothing has changed here though it feels like it has. And I know that the place hasn't changed, I have. I'm the one that's different here. But I'm too weary at this point from my efforts of getting here to dwell on that too long, and find my tired eyes closing as I drift off to sleep.

When my eyes open next I find myself confused as to where I am, thinking that I'm somehow dreaming still. It takes me a second to remember why I'm at our meeting place, but when I do the after effects of my long journey here remind me of it in the form of sore muscles and a growling stomach. It doesn't, however, explain Gale's presence with a relieved expression and obvious thoughts flying through his brain, standing there watching me. I'd think I was dreaming if it weren't for my swelled belly because for some reason I'm never pregnant in my dreams. A much more obvious telltale sign than pinching if you ask me.

"What are you doing here?" I question him, my voice not as croaking as it was a few days ago. Maybe it's because all that yelling I did to him made it come back in almost full. I don't really know.

"Greasy Sae couldn't find you when she came for breakfast." He declares as explanation, but one look at his face tells me there's more to it. I still have no clue where he's been staying these past few days but it doesn't surprise me in the least that he was still in District 12 no matter his responsibilities in Two whatever they may be. I'm also not surprised that he found me out here. Probably didn't take him very long to figure it out, because despite everything, Gale knows my mind better than anyone.

"You're still here." I comment, though I knew he'd not be in two. Doesn't mean I want him to know that it doesn't annoy me as much as it should. Really, I don't want him here because he only reminds me of everything I don't want to feel. But with him here…it's impossible not to.

"I told you I wasn't leaving." He reminds me, but the hurt crosses his features as the memory of our last meeting comes back to him, and the things I said.

"Don't you have a job or something?" I half scoff, not entirely sure why I'm being so mean about it. Maybe because the thought of him thinking about our last meeting is bringing it back to me too. All the anger and being upset and the loneliness and abandoned feeling I had are coming back in full force, and I can't seem to care if I hurt him again. Somewhere in me, I think he deserves it.

"Yes." He confirms, walking over slowly to me as I try not to cringe. "It's being taken care of because I need to be here."

"No you don't." I protest, because it's true. I was doing just fine without him, before he even knew. Besides, he could be that jerk Peeta thought he was and leave me to my own defenses. Though even I know through my anger and all different emotions that it's a dirty lie even if I try to tell myself that. Gale, for all he's done, is not that kind of person. I, however, seem to have no trouble trying to push him away.

"Yes, I do." He raises an eyebrow, with a tone of complete absolve. "No matter what you say to me to hurt me, I'm going to be here."

I should be grateful for that. Someone actually staying because they know I need it whether I want it or not. But at the moment, it only serves to trigger something in me, and it's not thankfulness by a long shot.

"Well what if I don't want you here?" I begin, but he just stares at me, seeming to wait for the impact. "Huh? What if I don't need you? I was going to do fine without you even knowing, and I still could." I continue, my rage giving me the energy to stand up and come almost toe to toe with him as my fury shows in my very tone. I'd guess the raging fire in my very eyes could burn him to a crisp if that was possible at this point. I almost wish it could, like…like… "What if the person I really want here never can be because of you!"

"Is that what you want? Me not here?" he questions me, not bothering to wait for an answer. He seems to be taking it well, but underneath of it I can see the hurt and his own rage burning low, trying not to set it free. Because our inevitable fight of two raging fires colliding could burn down this entire forest if we let it, and both of us like these woods too much to do that here. "Would you rather Peeta come back here instead?"

I'm so surprised by the question that I actually answer honestly. "No!" I don't want anyone here and that's the point, but Peeta is the last person I would. I've already put him through enough pain, he doesn't deserve any more from me than I've already done.

"Then why don't you want me here? Why have I hurt you more than Beetee, or Coin, or Snow, or anyone else? What I have I done so horrible that I'm above them on your hate scale?" he asks, though he seems to not want to know. And I guess in a way he does have a point. Beetee is just as much responsible if not more than him for that bomb design and I don't blame Beetee for it. And Coin and Snow are a whole different league of hate. Why do I put him above them? Before I can even think about it, the answer is tumbling out of my mouth and I can't stop it.

"Because I loved you!" I blurt out, tears streaming down my face as I'm close to hyperventilating. But that's all I can bring myself to say, no dirty lie here. There, I finally said it, the words he's been waiting to here. And though I can't bring myself to say more, the rest are out in the open without being said. He hurt me the most because I never hated him, I felt for him more than anyone. I let him in my heart and soul and he hurt me more than anyone could. That's why he's above everyone else on my scale. Because I not only get the pain of being pregnant, or losing Prim, I also have to deal with the fact of hating someone I love.

And despite all that, I don't know which one of us is more surprised by my sudden confession. Though I suspect me because I'm still repeating my shocking words in my head as his lips come down to mine.

It's a heated kiss filled with passion, and for some reason I give into it. The passion of all those days and nights together becoming one. The passion of rage for the Capitol, and all we've done to each other in these past few months that are unforgiveable. The passion that comes from being so heartbroken with the person who you love breaking your heart the fastest by in your mind being responsible for your sister who you failed to save in the end disintegrating into the raging fires of your own creation.

My hands grip his hair roughly as his hands grope my chest, back, shoulders, hair, anything he can get his hands onto. It's been so long since I've felt anything, and it comes as this. My fantasies are cheering, urging me desperately to take this all the way and finally sate the beast fully just once, and I almost think that it's right. Why not? It's not like anything bad can come of it, right?

His hands come down to my swelled stomach and caress it, for the first time feeling the result of what he did to me and I idly wonder somewhere between the ridiculous feelings overwhelming me if he can feel the baby kick. And then I remember why nothing bad could come of sex right now. Because it's not like I can get pregnant this time. He already accomplished that one.

And with that revelation comes back all the rage from him getting me pregnant and Prim somewhere in there, because I push him away and tears are falling again.

"Stop! I can't do this." I admit, though even to myself it seems like a lie. I can do this; heck, somewhere in me is begging for it. But I need to have some dignity here; it's not like I have much left, but I can't just go running back into his arms just because he kisses me. We still have loads of issues to get through here.

"I'm sorry." He apologizes, though he doesn't seem very sorry for doing it. Like me, he just seems to know that this shouldn't be happening right now, not when we haven't solved anything.

Sighing, I go back to our rock and sit down, my head spinning from the change of events still. To my surprise he sits down next to me unbidden, but I find I don't really mind because the rock feels right again. And I'm so drained from my emotions that I just feel like I want to curl up and cry, so I can't seem to care.

And so I do. I don't even protest when he lifts me up and puts me on his lap, and I cling to him as the sobs wrack my body. It hurts to feel so much, but I know there's no going back anymore even if I wanted to. And I'd be a dirty liar if I said I wanted to be a mute again, even if it's tempting. Something tells me Gale will never let me go there again.

I can't find it in myself to mind.


	24. Overdrive

"Look I know we still have issues, but I have a proposition for you." Gale informs me, biting his lip and seeming nervous. I'm wary of what he's going to ask me, but the more predominate part of my brain is focused on his soft full lips that he's biting, and making me wish I could bite it instead. If I thought the feelings that came with the horny urges before were bad, they're nothing compared to when Gale is actually here in the flesh, no matter how I feel about him otherwise.

"What is it?" I ask him, on my guard. You know, after I snap myself out of staring at him in the very not nervous way.

He sighs, looking out the window of my room where the moonlight just makes its way through the blinds and illuminates that part of the room since the only light on is the dim lamp by my bed before his gaze turns back to me. And it's different now; not just anxious, but something else. A darkening of his eyes so that the only grey I can see that are normally his storm cloud eyes are now a hazy trance that I find myself getting lost in.

He comes over to where I'm sitting on my bed and sits down on the edge of it where I was laying down on and stares at me, his eyes never leaving mine as he fidgets with his hands, fumbling with his shirt. I should ask him again what he wants, but my throat seems to constrict with a need I don't quite understand for him. No, I understand it; it just terrifies me that I'm such a hypocrite to myself. Eventually his gaze lowers so that his dark full eyelashes brush his cheeks and I find myself following his eyes, seeing him looking at my stomach. Suddenly I know what he wants and feel guilty, because just a few hours ago I pushed him away when he did something about it.

Trying to think rationally, I realize that I don't really understand why I'm so scared of Gale just touching my swelled stomach that holds his own child. Maybe it's because I'm trying to get back at him for getting me pregnant in the first place and denying him something that should be natural I guess gets him back for that in my own immature way. Maybe it's because I still blame him for Prim and I just don't want him to touch me at all, something in me afraid that whatever he touches he burns with that deep coursing fire that has always been running through his veins. But I seem to be drawn to it whether I want to be or not; no matter how sudden it was when he kissed me earlier I certainly didn't push him away, and even I can admit to myself that it wasn't just that I was surprised by my own confession. In fact, I encouraged it, prolonged it and kept it going further and further, almost to the point of no return. And I suppose that no matter how much I hate him for all he's done, no matter how much I want to despise him and kick him out of my life, I can't. Maybe it makes me weak, but whatever love I have for him is forcing me to keep him here for me.

And if that means that I need to set aside my lingering fears of whatever they are, I know I can do it for at least a short period of time if it keeps him here. So without saying a word, I reach and take his warm hand in mine and place it on my stomach.

He seems surprised by my action, but only questions it briefly; perhaps thinking that as long as he's getting what he wants it's better to just not know for the moment why. I let his hand go and he leaves his own there on my stomach for a moment as it warms my stomach through my shirt before slowly and softly moving it around, just feeling it. The baby seems to know something is up and kicks lightly on his hand, and it freezes in place. One of the most excited smiles graces Gale's face as he seems to look at his hand in wander, and I can't help but smile back to.

He looks up to me and catches my smile, and reality hits me; what am I doing? I shouldn't be doing this at all. Heck, I don't even want a baby and I'm still hurt beyond repair and mad at him, why am I smiling? But something keeps me from ruining the moment, even if it's just for one night.

So leaning over a bit, I gently place my hand on his cheek and we stare at each other for a minute, not seeming to know what we're doing. But even Gale seems to decide that we're just going to screw it for tonight. Why not just have this one night? I know all my horny urges can't just be my hormones, which means Gale has probably had them too. Would one night of just pretending nothing is wrong be so bad?

No. Maybe it would even help me stay mad at him if I just get the overwhelming desire to do something about it out of my system. It's worth a shot anyway.

So without even seeming to mean it, I lean in more and Gale seems to agree silently to just this one night and meets me in the middle in a soft, gentle kiss, almost like we're testing it. Well I don't automatically feel the urge to push him away or worse so that has to be a good sign. In fact, what I want to do is the exact opposite.

What's supposed to be gentle quickly turns almost violently sexual and desperate as my beast emerges in its full form, overtaking me completely and I allow it to, happy that I have a surefire way to sate it this time. I grip Gale's shirt as our tongues battle for dominance as our hands grope and scratch gently, and something in me realizes that his own beast is taking over him as well.

My hands fumble with the buttons of his shirt as quickly as they can, my fingers finding his bare chest in relief and finding his heart instantly, pounding through his skin. But my hands aren't enough, I want him closer. I want to feel him so close, bare skin touching mine, caress it with my tongue and lips and make him moan my name in sheer desire for me. Everything I've been only fantasizing about for months.

And so I pull him down to the bed on top of me as his hands come under my shirt and push it up, and I accommodate him by arching my back as much as I can as my hands come above my head. With my help he whips the thing off, our lips only leaving each other momentarily for the shirt to pass my face. But he only kisses my lips quickly as they descend down, along my jaw and throat to my neck, driving me completely wild. It's like I've never been touched before and now I'm a live wire, moaning and gasping his name as every lick or kiss hits a sweet spot, a never ending torturous pleasure.

But it's not enough, it's never enough. I have a growing wild need for him down where I want him the most, and with his hand rubbing the area through my underwear that he has slipped under my pants I can barely take it. In fact, I practically come just from the delicious friction.

But Gale doesn't seem worried about that aside from his continuous magic fingers driving me insane to the point of no return, and has managed to get my bra loose and suck and gently bite my now larger breasts. Like so many of my fantasies he seems to absolutely love the changes that he's made to my body and at the moment that doesn't bother me. Because if I thought sex was good before it's nothing compared to now. With my hormones gone crazed with pregnancy and all my nerves at least ten times more sensitive, I feel like I'm on overdrive with all the pleasure he's making crash over me and he hasn't even done much yet.

And before I know it…white hot waves throw me overboard as it pulses through me, leaving me almost breathless. But we're far from done apparently, as somewhere in my orgasm Gale has unbuttoned my pants and has begun to relieve me of that and my now soaked through underwear, leaving me completely naked underneath his warm sweaty way overdressed body.

So recovering still, my shaking hands fumble with his button and fly and don't even bother to pull them down, just caressing him through his boxers where he's already hard and trembling beneath my palm. So I pull him out and I'm delighted to find his smooth hard silkiness beneath my palm again, smiling to myself as I emit groans of pleasure from him. He closes his eyes as I stroke him, almost in pain with his pleasure. He must be on overdrive too.

But apparently he thinks that he may come in my hand right here and stops me, not bothering to even pull his pants down as he pushes my hand away and spreads my legs apart a little, guiding himself quickly into me.

I'm so incredibly tight from the lack of sex these past few months, almost as tight and somewhat painful as it was the first time. But this is exactly what I need and I sigh in content as we connect fully, his own stomach being stopped by my swelled one so that he bends down to kiss me gently, softly and his dark lustful eyes meet mine as they slowly open. We just stare at each other for a minute, and something radiates between us and it has nothing to do with the product of that in my large stomach. And normally I'd be terrified of the feeling but for just this once, just for tonight, I let it come over me and fill me as he does, allowing it to overtake me. It's not frightening as I believed it would be though; it feels…right. Whole.

As we let that settle over us I don't even know who sets the pace, but a rhythm quickly ensues that easily matches perfectly even after all this time and the fact that I have a baby in the way, the overdrive forcing the fires of lust to burn through us as we get closer and closer to that beautiful, wondrous ecstasy that engulfs us in it's flames one after the other, pulsing and raging through me as my world becomes white and then black again. But then I realize the black isn't going away and I panic, opening my eyes.

As they fly open I realize that it's incredibly dark in the room aside from the moonlight shining through my window, and a candle on the desk on the other side of the room where it just illuminates that there is a person sleeping peacefully in the arm chair next to it. As I catch my breath I don't know what to feel. Somewhere between relieved and disappointed.

It was just a dream. A very wild and satisfying night, but just a dream. And then reality hits me. Why am I in my room? The last I remember I was still in the woods sobbing from all the hurt and loss in Gale's lap. How did I get here…with that dream?

Well the dream I understand at least somewhat. I've had them before, just not that strongly or intensified. It must have been Gale's return and our kiss this afternoon that maybe shouldn't have happened that fueled that. But it…just seemed so real. I was even pregnant in it, which I'm almost never in my dreams like that.

But I know it couldn't have happened. And I'd be lying if somewhere in me I wish it wasn't a dream. But for now, I'm going to have to lie to myself and Gale if he happened to hear anything that might have come out of me during that dream because I'm not going to face the embarrassment or admit that something in me still wants him, because with waking up comes back the ache of Prim being gone just looking at him there in the corner. I have a hell of a way to go if that dream is ever going to be a reality again.

You know, if I even let myself get there.


	25. Leave

The next time I wake is most certainly not from a vivid arousing dream like last time, but a far more normal cause; the sky is lightening, indicating that dawn is approaching. This time I sit up in bed as my eyes adjust to the greys of the sky coming through my window and yawn, feeling a whole lot more content after sleeping than I usually do. I suspect it has something to do with that dream last night and my slight disappointment that it wasn't real, but as my consciousness comes back to me I realize that I'm probably not ready for that.

Gale is still asleep in the armchair next to my dresser, where he must have a stiff arm where his head is resting on at a sort of awkward angle. Despite being so angry and upset with him about not a few things, it's a little difficult seeing him like this, sleeping, when he's so vulnerable. It's sort of like when I held his hand when he was whipped and I watched him sleep, thinking that he could be the boy I met in the woods so long ago. Right now I still don't see the boy from the woods, but I know it's because we've both changed, mostly for the worse. Even sleeping I can detect the bags under his eyes and the scars that are faint but still there from a war that crushed us both in different ways. Scars and sleep deprivation for both of us, and I suspect like me, the worst of his scars are not visible.

It's so…easy to just let whatever I felt before Prim died, before every single little thing went terribly wrong to wash over me right now just watching him sleep in my room. So easy to try and let everything go that has kept us apart-the lying, the bombs, the effects of war-and think of him how I truly want to, or at least getting there. So easy to just think…maybe I could make my dream a reality.

That is, until he wakes up and his hazy grey eyes waking from sleep meet mine. Then my mind blocks anything I had that was letting me let it go and I'm back to where we were. At odds. Or at least partly.

"Hi." I greet him, not knowing what to say.

"Hi." He replies back, a silence filling the air and I want to sigh in frustration. Suddenly the very person I could say or do anything with I'm awkward around. Though I suppose some of that has to do with my stupid behavior yesterday. Which reminds me…

"How did I get here?" I question him, the one thing I couldn't understand when I woke up before or now. I still can't remember walking back home and into my bed, let alone leaving the woods. Or Gale in my room, sleeping. It's not something I really would have allowed no matter what I said yesterday. Or at least I don't think so.

"You fell asleep at our meeting spot." He informs me quietly, fidgeting with the blanket he has over himself. Oh great, now we both feel awkward when I'm supposed to be angry and upset with him and he at me, or at least partially on his part. This isn't getting any better. I think I prefer not awkward to be honest. "I didn't want to wake you so I carried you back."

Oh, well that explains why I didn't remember. Despite being a little angry that he didn't wake me to walk me home because I'm not a child, it was sort of…sweet. And I was exhausted from not only my trip there but my emotional drainage. I probably fell asleep in his lap, crying myself to sleep. But there are a few questions I still have about that.

"How did you even get me through the fence? And wasn't I too heavy?" I ask, my hand automatically going to my stomach, rubbing it. It probably looks like I'm feeling for marks from the fence, but really I'm just shocked. He got me through that hole in the fence and managed not to wake me up? Either he's highly skilled or I was out like I was drugged.

He snorts softly at my questions and I half glare at him, though I'm really too tired to put any force behind it. "No, you're not too heavy." He claims first, as if I'm stupid for thinking so. Well I don't; I'm a whole person and pregnant, it's not like I weight the same as a bird or something in his game bag. Even if I had lost weight I don't think it would be an easy feat to carry me for at least a few miles, up a set of stairs, and into my bed. "And I didn't get you under the fence; I took you through where we pulled down a part of the fence when the hovercrafts came."

Oh right. How could I have forgotten about that? It was even very far from my normal entrance into the woods, but once again I guess it was just an old habit. I wasn't even thinking of a different place.

"Oh." I answer, suddenly feeling dumb.

"I wouldn't just leave you there." He points out, as if that's what was on my mind.

"Thanks." I reply quietly, even though it sounds more like a question than an answer. I don't know why it's bothering me though.

Then it hits me; Gale didn't leave after he put me in bed. He stayed right there where it couldn't have been very comfortable. Whether I would want him there or not, whether I was mad at him or not. Maybe just so he could explain to me how I got here so I wouldn't strain myself to come find him for the answer. But one thing keeps repeating itself in my head. He didn't leave me.

He did once, we both know it. And though it's what I wanted at the time, perhaps it wasn't what was best for me, or the baby, or even Gale. We didn't know what to do with ourselves after everything went so wrong, more than he could ever know since I lied to him. But he left me alone, even though he knew what I probably needed most was someone there for me (and not about the baby since he didn't know then, just about all my loss and the after effects of war). He knew that Peeta wouldn't be coming with me at least for a while, and Haymitch would be no help. So even if I would have hated him…maybe it would have been better if he came anyway. He left me in every sense of the word.

Until now.

I know we still have our issues and we're nowhere near solving any of them, but I think yesterday was at least a step in the right direction. We both did things we needed to, trying to make up for the past. I finally after all this time admitted even if I was surprised by myself that I loved him, as in the real sense of love. As in the 'I want to sleep with you every night (in the real way and the dirty way) and kiss you, hug you, all of it' way. Every single thing I've been terrified of my entire life. And he didn't leave me no matter how much I may have wanted him to.

And even then, I know I'm not ready to go back to what we were if that was even possible anymore. Clearly we're so past the line of friendship that it's not even in the cards to just be that again, even if I wasn't practically six months pregnant with his baby. And even though I might be able to set that issue aside since there's nothing either of us can do about that one at this point and it was as much his fault as mine, there's still Prim. And the war, and all the other things we disagreed on.

But if I can forgive him for getting me pregnant (or at least as close to forgiveness as I can get), then perhaps one part of my dream can be true. He's just sitting there in the chair, unmoving clearly until I give him sort of order to leave and never come back again or whatever, but that's not what's going to happen. If he's refusing to leave whether I personally want him here or not, then I might as well at least do one thing for him, for all the good things we've had in years past.

I sigh, but motion him to come over. Clearly confused and astonished, he just stares at me from his place for a moment, deciding if I'm playing a horrible joke on him or if it's just to hit him or something. But no sense of either of those must cross my face or posture because eventually he trusts me enough to slowly get up and silently walk over, sitting on the edge of the bed hesitantly.

He looks so much like he's waiting to bolt should I do anything wrong, and it's an odd feeling to see on him. He was never one to back down, always confident in himself. But I suppose I've given him very mixed signals lately. Clearly at battle with my own hormones, he doesn't know which way I'll jump next. So trying not to scare him, I allow my hand to slowly creep over to his as he watches my face and take it in mine gently, feeling it tense under me as if he doesn't know what I'm doing. Then I as he watches his hand in mine, he allows me to take it from where it was resting on my comforter and place it on my swelled stomach.

His eyes widen as I do so, and they are almost at awe which would be funny if this wasn't such a screwed up situation. I let my hand go limp from his and allow him to explore my large stomach that he made me have, maybe even looking from a kick from the baby. And while the baby is kicking as if it knew Gale's hand was searching for something, it's obviously too light for him to feel because he doesn't react at all. Eventually he looks up to me with his hand still on my stomach, questioning me with his eyes, asking clearly for an explanation.

Well I'm not going to tell him it's because it was okay in my dream, or the fact that my hormones have apparently decided that they hoped that it would end up like my little fantasy that followed this step, even though I push those thoughts aside. Besides, the feelings of Prim being gone and the hairs on the back of my neck standing up from the thought that Gale may have taken her away from me are enough to not let it get there right now even if Gale had done something. I really need to work on this battle in myself, because it's going to drive me insane.

"I just…thought you should." I end up telling him, a sort of lie but at the same time sort of the truth.

He only smiles at me, but it's still bitter. "Thanks."

Well we're nowhere near done with fighting, but it's nice to know we can at least be sort of nice to each other, even if it is just this. Besides, I'm sure the battle within myself is going to come out soon and we're going to be back to almost square one.

I'm not really looking forward to it, and at the same time I am because that makes more sense. I really need to get a handle on myself.


	26. Marks

"I'm coming." I insist stubbornly, waddling off my couch to go change. Gale sighs at me but doesn't move from his place in the doorway, seeming to know that if he tries to leave without me now to go hunting that it will only end badly.

"Can you?" he questions me, looking down to my stomach with real concern. I glare at him for even saying such a thing even though I rationally know somewhere in me that he has a point. After all, I am six and a half months pregnant; it's not easy to hunt with a huge belly slowing me down or getting in the way.

When Gale came back about a month ago, it was understandably awkward and a mess. We fought and yelled and cried for everything that's gone wrong. For one the war, and Prim more than anything. It was when we should have worked best as a team (in the war, we did splendidly as a team in…well, recreational uses of our time), fighting for justice and all we wanted, and instead it tore us apart. And then the last nail in the coffin, Prim dying because of a bomb. I'm still not over that and the fact that it very well may have been Gale's design, and him being here is not really helping that when the anger comes along every day usually. But almost selfishly, I'd rather he be here than not. I already got a taste of him leaving me alone before (granted it was partially my fault because I didn't want or think I needed him at the time), and I'm not entirely keen on having that feeling back.

So after that night when he carried me back from my spot and the next morning when I allowed him to feel the product of our activities, we've had a rather odd almost silent agreement. He didn't leave again just like he said he wouldn't, and I've been trying hard to not hate him or get mad at him while he somehow tries to make it up to me. Neither of us are doing a particularly good job because we basically have a fight or end up in tears (well, me mostly but I blame the hormones) almost every day. And most nights I go to sleep angry at him and half wishing that Peeta never told him about the baby or that I never gave into what I was feeling that day in the woods that first time so I wouldn't be pregnant in the first place. But in the morning he's always downstairs having breakfast in silence, and I find myself almost relieved that he's still there.

So our daily routine has become sort of awkward, but it has its moments. Days that we go hunting even if we don't really hunt and just sit in our place in mostly silence, I almost find myself comfortable. And most days I let him touch my stomach, the only contact that we've really had with each other in the last month aside from when I need his help walking around so I don't fall in the woods where a gentle hand is barely on my back for support.

It's something at least, and I know that while neither of us is particularly happy, feeling the baby makes him happy. It's almost funny that the baby always kicks when he touches my stomach, as if he or she knows that it's their father. The first time that Gale actually felt the baby kick about two weeks ago he literally had the brightest smile on his face. It was so sweet and genuine that I couldn't help but get caught up in the moment and smile a little too. But then an hour later we'll have an argument again, and the whole thing starts over.

Like now. I can feel an argument coming on and it can only be like eight o'clock in the morning. Greasy Sae stopped coming once Gale started being here every day (he sleeps in a room downstairs but only because I let him most days), and he's the one that usually makes breakfast in the morning though I had no idea that he could cook. In fact, I have no idea how he can still be here, since he supposedly has a fancy job in District 2 and all. Things I haven't bothered to ask of course, perhaps out of some irrational spite. But it doesn't change the fact that we still clearly have a long way to go in our relationship, and my own behavior only proves that further.

"Yes. I want to go." I insist to him stubbornly, glaring at him in a way that warns him not to test me. I can't just sit around this house, not without going crazy with boredom. It was one thing when I was a numb sort of zombie like state from all my depression and anger; it's quite another thing when Gale being here brings out all sorts of feelings that I'm not sure I could go back to that state anymore.

He sighs and shakes his head a little. I'm about to protest but he cuts me off. "I was…going to go to the lake house today."

"Oh." I reply, surprised. Well this is a little awkward.

"Yeah." He says, not meeting my eyes as we both just stand there in the pregnant silence.

That lake house holds a lot of memories, specifically of my father and now Gale. Most things were good there, but some things lead to other things that turned out very badly. Like the first time I took Gale there when afterwards he was whipped within an inch of his life. Or the fact that that's where he took all the residents that fled when the District was bombed, or when we visited during the war. What should just be an abandoned cabin in the middle of the woods holds so much. But now at least I know why he didn't think I should come. I barely make it to our spot, and this is much further than that. But the stubborn girl that I am, I still want to go. I don't care how long it takes us to get there.

"Well let's go." I decide, moving to get my hunting jacket that I can no longer zip up even though it's made for someone much larger than I am. Granted it was made for a man and not a pregnant girl, but still. It's still my hunting jacket.

"Really?" he questions me, quirking an eyebrow. "It's going to take a while to get there. We might need to stay the night."

I pause at that, thinking it over. Do I really want to spend the night in a tiny cabin with Gale? If this was eight or nine months ago I would have been all for it, the dirty girl I became back then. In fact, we'd have a great time coming up with a few lies to get away with it too. I mean we already did it in a tent in the middle of an army camp, how hard could it have been to lie about a cabin in the middle of the woods?

I mentally shake my head at those thoughts, knowing that they're dangerous. I shouldn't even be thinking that. Besides, I think most of the dirty lying for us is over, or at least when it comes to that area. I mean I've got the blatantly obvious evidence that we've been doing that stuff anyway and there's really no way to hide it from anyone at this point.

"Fine. We'll pack some food too then." I agree, deciding that what could really be the harm? It's not like Gale's going to try anything with how awkward our relationship is right now, and I certainly wouldn't let it get anywhere. Or at least I don't think I would….No, Katniss! Don't you dare go there.

I glance up to Gale to find him surprised at my decision, but wisely deciding not to question the stubborn pregnant woman who is already mad at him for several reasons. "Okay. We'll leave in five minutes then."

He goes off to gather some things in the kitchen while I smile to myself that I won this battle no matter how small it may be, and I half waddle up the stairs to grab my hunting bag. I throw in an extra change of clothes, sighing when I realize that I'm going to have to resort to one of my mother's old maternity nightgowns for bed. Normally I wouldn't care but I'm normally alone in my room. I have a hard enough time finding clothes that will fit me as it is, and I've basically resorted to sweats that just fit me from the clothes dear Cinna left for me in my giant closet and flowed shirts from there as well. Neither are my style (even though the sweats are kind of comfortable, they're called yoga pants I think. Whatever yoga is, I think I might like it), but I don't really have a lot of options at this point. Even the flowed tops aren't very flowey on me and just cover my large stomach.

Yet another reason that I'm not thrilled to be pregnant.

It takes a while to get to the cabin in the end and I'm not very happy that I did need Gale's help with my feet swelling easily, but when I sit down by the lake and take off my shoes eagerly to put them in the cool crisp water I can't seem to mind too much. While it was early in the morning when we left, it's got to be around lunch time now at least. As much as I hate to say it, we took almost double the amount of time that we should have to get here thanks to me. I could tell Gale was getting a little impatient and muttering I'm sure in his head that he was telling me so that I shouldn't have come, but he never said anything out loud. And childishly enough, I was sort of glad about him being annoyed.

Letting the water wash over me I close my eyes and breathe in the clean forest air, half falling asleep. But I don't and I sense a presence next to me eventually, but I don't say anything. When he says nothing to me but I feel a sort of hesitation in the air, I open my eyes and glance to him.

He's not really looking at me, he's looking at my giant mound of a stomach. Almost…hesitating, as if he doesn't know if he has permission or not to touch me. It's almost cute, but I'm glad he respects me enough to not just do as he pleases. I nod to him that he can do what he wants because while I was sort of glad that he was annoyed with me and that I won our mini battle this morning, he did put up with me the whole way here.

Relieved at my permission, he takes his hand and places it on my stomach where the now slightly sweaty think almost sheer light blue fabric of my shirt is pulling on my stomach, in awe almost as he always is. I close my eyes for a moment but then I start getting more uncomfortable with the sweaty fabric and his own warm hand making it unbearable, and I'm sorely tempted to just take all my clothes off and jump in the water. It's not like Gale hasn't seen it all before anyway.

But that wouldn't exactly be alright with me. I know he'd love it (and not just because I'd be naked) because he could see my stomach for what it is, but I'm a bit self-conscious of it. I know it may be silly, but I have scars from the burns I got in the Capitol and stretch marks, and some part of me wants to keep that from him. But after another minute the heat almost becomes unbearable, and I decide to just screw it and at least take the sweaty fabric off my stomach.

I move his hand away and he seems hurt by it but doesn't comment, and in relief peel the fabric off of my stomach. He looks in awe at my pregnant belly just skin and all, and I have to smile a little. This time he doesn't ask for permission, taking my smile as permission enough and places his hand back on me. I should mind, but I really don't. I really do confuse myself sometimes.

"Beautiful." He murmurs, and I almost roll my eyes.

"No it's not." I protest, frowning down at all the ugly stretch marks and burns. "I hate all the marks."

"It's just…a part of you now." He shrugs, but I still shake my head at him. "Besides, I was talking about the baby."

"Oh." I reply, still not knowing what to say. He seems to want to prove his point though, but only frowns. Eventually he just goes back to feeling the baby kick under his hand as I sort of watch in a daze, the haze of the heat overcoming me again. What brings me out of my daze is when I feel a light kiss on my stomach, and see Gale's head on it.

He immediately comes up and looks guilty, knowing that he shouldn't have done that. "I'm sorry, I just…"

I should be mad. Furious. He knows what he's done to me about Prim and everything and hasn't crossed the line with me in the last month before now. But something in me, maybe the place or the haze from the weather seems to grab hold of me, and I don't really mind.

"It's alright." I promise him softly, because it was kind of sweet in a way. I remember my own father doing that to my mother when he came home from work when she was pregnant with Prim. I had to have only been like three, but I still remember it.

And something also comes over me when his eyes meet mine, and I feel myself being pulled by some force. My face falls to his and the next thing I know my lips are softly kissing his, a deep pull within me taking over.

And then suddenly reality takes over again, and I pull away. I half panic at my own response, and mumble something about having to go as I get up, leaving him there. I'd run if I could but in the end I sort of jog over to the treeline and find a place to sit, burying my face in my hands.

What was I thinking? I can't do this, not now anyway! It's way too soon. Isn't it?

Though one things for sure. I'd be lying if I said it was the heat or the lake, because something in me wanted that. I just can't give in yet. I need to think about Prim, and him leaving me, and…and…

Gosh why is this so hard?


	27. One

I close my eyes and let the relatively cool water that surrounds me effect my mood, for the first time in a long time allowing a sense of almost peace to wash over me. Even with all my problems, worries, anger, and grief-the baby, Prim, Gale, everyone else and the aftermath of the war-the woods still has a sort of trance over me. I always felt more alive here in the woods outside of District 12, and I've found that still hasn't changed even though practically everything else in my life has.

At my insistence to come here again a week later than Gale and I did the first time since I'm aware even though I'm not looking forward to it, very soon I'm not going to be able to come to the woods at all let alone this cabin by the lake. After all, I had a hard enough time getting here already at seven months pregnant, and that's with Gale's helping me most of the way. I didn't want his help for many reasons, most of them having to do with my stubborn independence, but even I knew that I needed it. The only reason I'm certain Gale didn't try to strap me into my chair or something to stop me from coming I'd guess has to do with the fact that we're still not exactly on great terms, because otherwise I know he would resort to something like that. So instead he just sighed but didn't say anything, and came with me.

After last time I was hesitant to come for more than just the day, but I know that if I took that long last time to walk there then it wasn't going to be any easier. Last time I stupidly got pulled into something in me and kissed him when I probably shouldn't have, and then ran away to basically inwardly yell at myself. After I came back Gale pretended it didn't happen and so did I, but we both knew it did. Still, we spent the night in the cabin and I made myself sleep on the other side of it than him even though I wasn't very comfortable, because to be perfectly honest it would be a lie if I said I trusted myself.

It would also be a lie right now if I said that I wanted to make myself angry at him. It's just so…hard here, in our woods, in this cabin. I don't know why but I'm sorely tempted to give into my desires right now no matter our issues or how I feel. I've already given into one of them which was stripping down and going in the lake, but that doesn't really matter too much at the moment because Gale went off to set some snares to hopefully catch us some dinner or at least breakfast for tomorrow so I'm alone. But even with that…I'm feeling tempted to give in, just this once, just tonight.

So after I'm dressed and sitting by the lake when he comes back midafternoon, I'm quiet the whole time, just barely acknowledging his return or presence. But on the inside I can feel him and his presence and that pull within me to him, like I'm connected to him by steel wires and can't be separated from him easily. But really I'm trying to let everything go, and see if I could give in. What would it mean for us if I did? Would he even do it?

Well that's a stupid question, of course he would. He'd be ecstatic, especially the fact that I would bring it up. But the problem is that could it really just be for one night, just that and let it go? Just to get whatever it is out of my system so that I can stop thinking about it all the damn time?

In the end, I decide it's worth a shot. Partly because I just need to get this stupid fantasy dream out of my head from a month and a half ago but mostly because selfishly…I want it. And it's far too tempting out here, in our woods, with no one around and in my hopes that I can leave my issues back in District 12 if only for the night.

So once it's getting darker and we've eaten the fish that we caught in a net that Gale made long ago back in a simpler time, I'm practically chewing on my lip as I gaze into the fire in the cabin as the sun has just set. Gale notices as far as I can tell almost right away, but doesn't say anything for a while.

"What's bothering you?" he braves himself to ask, not looking at me. Instead he keeps his eyes right on the crackling fire, and somehow I sense that he's dreading the answer but felt he should ask.

Boy is he in for a surprise.

"One night." I decide to say rather vaguely, and I know it confuses him.

"One night what?"

Oh how I wish he could just read my mind right now. Because while I'm bringing it up and I do want it, I'm extremely nervous. This could end badly, but at the moment I think it's worth the risk. So I take a deep breath and like a coward keep my gaze on the fire as I give him more.

"I know you want to too. I just can't…deal with it right now. Maybe one night to just…get it out of our systems." I find myself rambling. He's silent for a minute as if he has to process what I'm saying, and I can practically sense his eyes widening as he figures out what exactly I'm offering. When I feel his eyes boring into the side of my head and begging me to meet his just for confirmation, I brave myself to do so. When I do, I find him practically shocked and slightly confused, but in awe of it.

"You serious?" he questions me guardedly, as if he feels that it's too good to be true. Nervously though I don't know why, I nod.

"Just…one night." I half whisper. His eyes are still looking into mine for confirmation, and when he finds no joke in my own I'm met with a gripping desire that's heavy between us, making it hard to breathe easily.

Instead of answering because I'm pretty sure he doesn't really know how considering he's still dumbstruck that I even considered this let alone brought it up, he leans over and kisses my lips softly, as if he's testing me. Letting me have one more chance to get out of this, to back out.

Instead it only resolves me further and I'm the one who deepens the kiss, and it quickly becomes an inferno that could rival the one in front of us. There may be heat from the fire, but it's nowhere near as hot as the burning passion that is growing exponentially between the two of us.

Any doubts I had are quickly pushed to the backburner as I can't think coherently at the moment. All I can think is I've needed this, wanted this for so long and my beast is finally going to get sated for real. It's been far too long and there aren't really any risks this time. No one to hide from, no one to lie to about our dirty activities, and no risk of getting pregnant.

Since we're conveniently already on the floor sitting on a blanket, the clothes coming off are the first thing I think of. So as our kisses become more heated and heavy, tongues furiously dancing around each other in desperateness to get things going to the prize, I fumble with his shirt buttons as he feels his way up my swelled stomach and only backs away from my lips long enough to whip my shirt off. Once he does I push his now unbuttoned shirt off of him which he helps me with, finding the muscled toned skin that I've missed so much practically tingling under my hands, warm not only from the fire but even more toned than I remember.

As I suspected he seems delighted by my now larger breasts which are practically buldging out of my too small bra, and to my gratefulness he takes off the bra quickly as my breasts are given breathing room, but not for long. His lips work their way quickly down my exposed chest to my breasts, sucking at my nipples as I moan, gripping his hair and mumbling incoherent things.

And as much as I want this, I can feel myself getting wetter and more uncomfortable where I want him most. So with that in mind, I find enough coherent thought and strength to take my hands out of his hair and find the fly of his pants, unbuttoning them and pulling him out as he moans into my chest, his breath on my now wet nipples making me groan in return. He's just as silky and smooth as I remember, and I'm delighted as he hardens underneath my hand.

But it's still not escalating quickly enough for my beast which is practically growling for attention now, so with my other hand I pull him almost roughly on top of me as I lay down on my back. He doesn't want to hurt me I know but I don't really care at the moment, and I'm so grateful when he finally practically rips my sweats out of the way, my underwear with them so that I'm completely naked.

His hand feels me first and finds me wanting, throbbing, and practically dripping in anticipation, and he doesn't keep me desperate for long. With one gentle kiss to my lips he easily finds himself at my entrance, and we both moan as he finally enters me fully, me tight with lack of sex. He only stops going in when his stomach meets my now large one, and just keeps us still there for a moment. His eyes meet mine and I find them black with desire and lust and…love. So much love that I can't take it anymore and I grind into him the best I can.

This gets him right back on a roll and suddenly we're moving together as one, finding a perfect rhythm where I get lost in the passion and need and not long after we start I find myself falling apart, being ripped at the seams. The white hot heat of lust and orgasms takes my body by storm and I find myself screaming somewhere in it for the first time in so long, the rip shattering waves of passion that I've missed so much like a vibe within my body. It's so much so that I practically can't see as my vision is black, and I'm momentarily worried that it's just a dream again and I'm going to wake up in my room, alone and highly disappointed. So much so that if I do I know I'm going to be so horny that I'm just going to go wake up Gale downstairs and give him the surprise of his life, which is saying something considering how he found out I was pregnant.

But when my vision returns I'm pleased to see Gale's sweaty face coming down to mine in a kiss as his own orgasm comes to him, and relieved to find that this is real. He rolls off me once he's done and I find myself at a loss of him and feeling empty despite the fact that I'm much fuller than ever with the product of this activity from months ago. But his skin doesn't entirely leave mine as he keeps one hand on my stomach and our legs entwined together. Eventually his other hand comes to my cheek after we've both caught our breath and turns my face towards his. When he does, I find love and thankfulness greeting me.

He doesn't say anything, just smiles a little. I can't find anything to say, just perfectly satisfied that my beast has been sated after all this time.

Oh who am I kidding? That's such a lie. Instead of being sated though I am relieved, I find myself only wanting more. More, more, more. So much so that I know that I'll always want more of this wonderful thing that I was only introduced to less than a year ago. And we still have this one night…

It doesn't take long for Gale to read exactly what I'm thinking as the passionate inferno begins again, and I gladly give into it. Why shouldn't I? It's still this one night, and that's what we're going to have, even if it takes us many times to be sated.

Now the only problem is that I'm going to have to wake up tomorrow and steel myself, find my self-control that this can only be this one night. Just one night. I'm going to have to find my anger and grief, and let that take over again because we still have all of our problems.

But I'd be lying if I said it probably wasn't going to be hard to do.


	28. Natural

Before I even open my eyes I feel a sense of calm wash over me. In this half asleep state, I almost smile to myself. I'm so relaxed, at ease, like I haven't been in a while.

Oh wait, that's why. I slowly open my eyes and find that my thoughts were right, and I'm not in my bed at my house in Victor's Village. Instead, I'm here at the cabin by the lake laying on the small mat that we started leaving here, and the sun is beginning to shine through one of the windows that doesn't have glass in it. Somewhere birds are chirping in the massive forest that I call my own, in nature as it should be. Everything is exactly how it should be.

Well…except for this. I glance down to find an arm almost possessively around my expanded waist over the blanket, and even though I can't physically see most of my body I know I'm naked under these covers, as is the person holding me to them. It really shouldn't feel awkward because I have woken up to this position multiple times by now because it is natural, but it does.

What the hell did I do last night? My god, I cannot believe I gave in to my own selfish and hormonal desires, despite everything that's happened between us. I'm ashamed of myself in a way; for not being stronger and resisting, for needing it in the first place, I don't know. But I am, because while we both kind of silently agreed on one night only, when Gale wakes up this is going to be one hell of an awkward situation no matter what. After all, I'm supposed to hate him and he's supposed to be trying and failing to get my forgiveness while we somehow try to figure out how to be parents to this kid together while simultaneously not getting along, not doing…well, everything we did last night. Twice.

Alright, you got me; three times. It would have been four if I wasn't so exhausted because no matter if my crazed hormones are coming from being pregnant or not, growing a baby and exerting that much energy tends to wear you out.

And as much as I'm dreading the evident conversation that is bound to be awkward when Gale wakes up (probably sooner than later), I'm also dreading my own hormones. Because while thoughts of Prim and not wanting a baby and the war and everything are beginning to come back to me and put me in my right place…I'm trying to desperately deny to even myself that this doesn't feel…natural. And that scares the hell out of me even more than giving into just one night.

Because while I will lie and lie and deny to my grave that one night is all I needed, it's not. In fact, while I thought I just needed to get this out of my system and one night would do it, I can already feel myself hungering for more. My god, I've only been up for maybe two minutes and I already want more. I'm beginning to think I have a serious problem here.

No, it's not my denial that's the problem, it's just that when we're in this position, naked under a blanket out in the woods with no one for miles and close together, it's far too tempting to just give in again. It's like I'm under some sort of spell here, one I truly need to get out of. Yes, that's it. Once I can just…breathe again, I'll be alright. Or at least enough to stay strong and only have one night be it, anyway.

So slowly moving Gale's arm away from my swelled stomach, I do my very best to sort of roll out of the blanket praying that I don't wake him. Though of course that was stupid of me to even think that it wouldn't; not only is Gale always up with the sun like me, the lack of warmth and physical body probably alerted him somehow. I can hear him groan and yawn behind me but force myself not to look, somehow blushing that I'm completely naked and scrambling towards my clothes that are splayed out of the fire that's now just low burning embers.

"Morning." I hear from behind me and half cringe as I grab my shirt and bra, fumbling to put them on while refraining from looking at him. It may make me a coward, but I don't care. I need to get my clothes on fast before he pulls me back to him and I'll have very little sense of denial if I don't have anything keeping me from him.

"Morning." I try to reply crisply, though it comes out as more of a mumble and I inwardly curse myself. Way to go Katniss, just get back in bed now already why don't you.

"You don't need to put them back on. I know that they're uncomfortable for you." He suggests back, and I can practically see the smirk gracing his face as he sits up on the mat, watching me fumble to cover myself. Gosh I'm going to regret this one. I have to stay strong, not give into him.

"Yes, I do. Clothes are necessary." I say back, achieving a more confident tone this time. Really I'm just surprised that he knows my clothes are uncomfortably tight and annoying though I don't know why. After all, he knows me better than I know myself a lot of the time. Besides, I'd say that if all pregnant women didn't have maternity clothes they'd be uncomfortable too.

"Not last night." He points out, and as I pull my legs through my sweatpants I squeeze my eyes shut as if that could block out that dirty knowing smirk that I don't even need to see. I can practically feel his hungry eyes boring into me as I get dressed. I choose to ignore that statement as I pull the last of my clothing on, now having some sort of armor against him no matter how little it may be.

"We could always make it unnecessary again." He suggests in a seductive tone.

I force back a groan because I'd be a dirty liar if I said that's not exactly what my body wants right now. I can practically feel myself throbbing, cheering on that statement and to give into it. My heart is beginning to race under my chest too, but I can't listen to my aching sex hormones nor my heart. I need to listen to my head, and my head is saying don't go there.

So I force myself to turn around and cross my arms to prove to him that I meant one night only last night. However, my ironclad resolve is starting to crack under the smirk I knew was there as I glance to Gale, his chest and stomach exposed in all their toned glory and his hands lazily supporting him sitting up. I meet his eyes for only a second and can't breathe when I see the sheer fire of want in them, so I quickly put my gaze in the middle of his forehead so he thinks I'm looking right at him.

"I said one night and I meant it Gale." I inform him, holding steady. "No more."

"You don't really want that." Gale calls me out, and while he's right I can't have him thinking that. So I force myself to meet his eyes once more and I'm happy to see that he's almost smug instead of seductive now. Smug I can handle; I'm practically putty under desire and I can't have that.

"I do." I half lie, because in a way it's the truth. Now that I'm thinking with my head I know I was stupid for even giving in, but I am struggling to not admit that it was so natural to me that I want to cry almost. But even if it's not natural to abstain from…this, I have to. For Prim. For my own sense of pride and…determination. For my damn stubbornness so he can't win. "I just needed to get it out of my system." I explain, and while that was my excuse it actually ended up doing the opposite. Now I'm afraid I want it even more, but I can only hope that the dreams of sex and desire subside so the pull to him doesn't hit me when I'm most vulnerable. Listen to your head, Katniss. "And I did. So now I'm going to check the snares and we can go back to the district."

I don't even bother letting him answer me before I'm out the door because I don't know if I could take it. Not that I couldn't take him looking at me like that again, but he could very well call me out on my lies and I'm going to run out of excuses eventually. So I walk as fast as I can towards the tree line and once there, I hold onto a large pine with one hand and allow myself a few deep breaths, forcing my heartbeat to calm down. Once it does, I allow myself to groan and yell inwardly at myself for even bothering to give in last night.

I don't see Gale again until after I'm back with two rabbits and a squirrel from his snares, obviously because he was leaving me alone. When I get back he's fishing at the pond and just barely acknowledges me coming back. I know he's frustrated and angry, but really I don't care. I told him one night and he agreed to it; really, he's lucky he even got that. And by how utterly shocked he was at my suggesting it I know he knows that he got lucky last night. He just…thinks there should be more. Not just one night but all nights.

I'd never tell him that my beast agrees with him vehemently.

We don't even really speak a word to each other the rest of the day at the lake, and once it's early afternoon we pack up and start to leave. I allow him to help me home with a hand on my back, but only because I really do need it. I don't want to be tripping because not only do I question whether I could get up on my own, but it would hurt the baby. Alright, you have me. I care about the baby now. I never wanted it in the first place but now I do, and I will not allow myself to be responsible for harming them in any way. Perhaps this is called growing up, but really I think it's what a parent should do.

A parent should probably also get along with the other parent, but seeing as that relationship doesn't even have any sort of title at the moment I'd rather just pretend I don't have to think about that before the baby comes.

When we get to my house in Victor's Village I'm exhausted, and I practically crawl up the stairs. Gale follows me much to my annoyance because all I want is a nice hot shower and to crawl in bed even if I don't eat dinner, but I'm not doing that with him there. No way. I barely prevented myself from going back to him this morning, I'm not going to give myself the temptation of a shower and a bed.

"What?" I ask him, turning around vexed and tired at my door.

"Just making sure you get here alright." He claims, his hands in the air in surrender. I roll my eyes at his response even though I know he meant well.

"I'm pregnant, not injured."

"I know." He replies, and we stand there in a silence for a moment before a grin crosses his face. Somehow I'm dreading what's going to come out of his mouth already even though I don't know why he's so happy all of a sudden. "I do it because I care, and I know you do too even if you won't admit it."

"Of course I care about the baby." I answer, playing dumb and opening the door as if that's the end of the conversation. But he puts his hand on mine when I twist the knob and stops me in my tracks.

"I meant me." He smiles almost softly, and I practically can't bear it.

I sigh in annoyance. "I did once, but not now."

He laughs softly as a wicked grin graces his features and I know I'm caught. "You may try to tell yourself it was one night, but you Katniss Everdeen, are a dirty liar."

With that I promptly slam the door in his face while I glare at him, but even with the door closed I can hear him chuckling, knowing that he's right. Damn it.

Well you know what, Gale Hawthorne? Game. On.


	29. Birthday

A tingling on my lips from something full and just slightly chapped is what stirs me from my sleep, and in my waking state I'm confused but I realize somewhere not to panic, that it feels right. And with my eyes still closed, something registers in my brain what's happening and I want to hit myself for not realizing earlier, and my eyes fly open.

He's quick though, and pulls away before I can sit up and accidently (okay…maybe on purpose) butt heads with him on my way up. He smiles down at me, far too happy for some reason. I vaguely think it's because I haven't yelled at him yet for kissing me awake.

"Happy Birthday, Catnip!" he grins, unfazed by my frown. Oh right, my birthday. I sort of forgot.

Really I haven't thought much about the days or the month at all, not since I took my last trip to the woods about a week and a half ago. I know it's pretty much physically impossible for me to go to the cabin by the lake or even our old meeting spot at this point in my pregnancy, but I still miss it. A lot. In fact, I would have seriously considered just sneaking out one day and going, but I haven't for two reasons. One because Gale has been practically watching me twenty four seven even when I don't think he is, I suspect because he knows exactly what I'm thinking and can prevent it if I so much as tried; an annoying point of knowing each other so well I suppose. And for two, I have difficulty going up one flight of steps sometimes, so I'm not sure I could even make it to the fence at this point without having to sit down. Certainly a disadvantage of being a tiny girl with a big pregnant baby.

But aside from hatching plans in my head to escape even when I know it's just not going to happen, I've been pretty much just sitting around all day again. It's not like before when I was a mute most of the time and just on the couch, but it's not much better. Really the highlight of my day is half wobbling out to the back of the house to lay down in the spring sun in the afternoons where most of the time I end up napping. But days themselves have ceased to mean anything to me, and my birthday has never been something I've actually celebrated to begin with.

Before the war, and even in the awful year leading up to the Quell, birthdays weren't something you really celebrated in the normal sense. Through my eleventh birthday back when my father was still alive my mother would always try to keep a little bit aside for a week beforehand just so we had an extra bit of dinner, but nothing else. From twelve to sixteen it was just a reminder to me that I needed to get more tesserae and the looming Hunger Games approaching, let alone the fact that we had nothing to celebrate anyway. I always made sure Prim's got celebrated, but not mine. In fact, the only person who remembered was Gale in those years, but even then all I allowed him to do for me was skin all the animals or something. And then my seventeenth birthday last year I was sure it would be my last, so even though we actually had money then and Peeta somehow found time to make me a cake during our intensive training, it wasn't really a great day.

So while there are no Hunger Games anymore, no Snow or Coin or any dictator for that matter, I still don't really particularly care about my birthday. It's also a difficult reminder this year that Prim, who usually insisted on telling me Happy Birthday any chance she got, isn't here. So with that thought further depressing my mood, I frown deeper and glare at Gale. He shouldn't have kissed me anyway.

"Sorry." He apologizes, but it's not very sincere and he knows that I know it. While I've somehow managed to repress my urges to do exactly what I want with Gale like that night at the cabin, his advances and general attitude certainly aren't helping me. He hasn't tried to kiss me until today when I was in a vulnerable state and couldn't stop him anyway, but it's practically everything else. The way he looks at me with love and hints of lust in his eyes that stir something in me, or just in general when he's too close to me in the same room. Even if he's on the couch on the other side of the table as we silently play a dumb game of cards that neither of us particularly care about, my skin tingles with electricity just by his presence. It's rather annoying because I'm dead set on not doing anything, so at this point I have to either remind myself of why I'm refraining in the first place like a mantra in my head until I get mad at him or just walk away.

So in response to his not so apologetic apology, I roll my eyes and sit up. "You know I don't celebrate."

"Yeah, but things are different now." He reminds me while shrugging, and sitting on the edge of the bed. The extra weight on the bed and being in general close to him makes my body tense, but all I can do at this point in the morning is shut my eyes and inwardly groan.

"No kidding." I half snort when I open my eyes again, glancing down to my belly though I know that's not what he meant. What he really meant is that if things were normal, if I'd never gone to the Hunger Games or even if I hadn't gone to the Quell, this would have been a bittersweet birthday. It would have been my last year to be eligible for the reaping, but that would have also meant that I would have many slips in the bowl. It would have also meant that I would have to face the real world, either go in the dreadful mines like Gale somehow managed to do even with the awful connection of our fathers dying in there, or more likely, people would have expected me to marry and start my own family.

Well…I'm eighteen and already beat the punch on the last part of that, but I'm certainly not going to get married.

He half smiles at my gesture, but doesn't comment on it because he knows what I meant.

"I have a present for you. Something I know you've been wanting for a while." He informs me, and I quirk an eyebrow at him. I should be mad he got me anything at all, but really I'm more surprised than angry.

"Oh great, you've found a way to make this baby come out." I guess, something I really do wish. I know I have at least another month and a half or so left, but I'm so done being pregnant. Granted I might have made it longer if I actually wanted a baby in the first place, but I was too upset with the war and my baby sister's death to actually be annoyed by it until Gale showed up really. Then when I started getting back to normal, and going to the woods again only to find that it was difficult, not to mention all the lovely things that come with growing a human inside of you like having to go to the bathroom twenty times a day…well, I'm pretty much done. It's selfish, yes, but really I don't care for wishing it.

Gale seems to like my joking, and chuckles softly. He places a warm hand on my stomach and the baby seems to wake up too, happily kicking where it's father's hand is. His eyes momentarily brighten when the baby does just like he always gets excited, but looks up quickly after with a warm smile gracing his face. "The baby's not ready to come out yet, but I do have something else you want."

"A hovercraft to bring me to the woods?" I guess again, just to try and get on his nerves because I can tell he really wants me to know.

"No, it's-"

"Stealing all of Haymitch's alcohol so he has to come over here and wish me happy birthday to get it?" I laugh, amused with myself. I know I'm just being silly now, but it's nice to laugh at something, even if it is stupid.

"Fine, I won't tell you." He protests, but I can tell he's amused as well and pleased by my joking around. He must have thought that I would be in a bad mood all day.

"Fine, I'll be good." I promise, but I really want to roll my eyes. I don't even need a present and I certainly don't have any plans to be good. After all, it's my birthday; if I want to be bad and annoying today I can be.

"Liar." Gale calls me out, and this time I do roll my eyes.

"Yep." I admit, just wanted him to give whatever it is to me so he gets off this bed and I can breathe again. Abstaining from just giving into my desire is suffocating me, and the sooner he leaves me alone the sooner I'll have my self-control back. It certainly doesn't make it easier that we're already on a bed. "What is it?"

With a grin he takes his hand off my belly and ducks down to pick something up off the floor. When he comes back up, a bucket is in his hand and he hands it to me. Curious, I peek inside and find it about halfway full with blackberries.

"From our spot?" I ask, genuinely surprised and almost touched by his gift. He knows how difficult it has been for me not to go to the woods and I've been craving these berries for a while. He nods with a soft smile which turns into a full grin when I pop one in my mouth and close my eyes as the tart berry washes my mouth with it's juices, and I find myself subconsciously moaning. I wonder how good it would taste mixed with Gale's kisses…no Katniss!

Okay, he really needs to get off this bed now, because if he doesn't I'm about three minutes from giving in.

Opening my eyes, I come up with a plan and smile at him as I swallow the berry.

"Go over there." I order him, pointing towards the wall. He raises an eyebrow at me but doesn't comment, and does what I ask. Now that I can breathe a little easier it's far better for my self-control, and I find myself pinching a berry from the bucket in my hand and tossing it to him.

He easily catches it in his mouth and grins, clearly happy that I'm being playful with him like we used to be when we had no worries. If only he knew I made him get up only to keep myself in check. Now that I'm not in such close proximity to him, my restraint is much better.

"You know what this would taste good with?" he questions me, a wicked grin on his face to match the lust growing in his eyes. Oh great, he's thinking the exact same thing I was just moments ago. I wonder if he saw it in my expression when I was chewing my own berry or if we're just on the same wavelength again. Something tells me it's both.

I'm about to answer with a snide remark that turns him down when the phone rings. We're both momentarily startled by it because no one calls me, definitely not since I came back from after the war. But I recover first and decide to take this as an opportunity to get out of the same room as Gale, and get up, going to the closest phone which is in the guest room up here that my mother turned into a second office back before I left for the Victory tour. We never really used it, but there was already a phone there.

Grabbing the phone, I sit down on the guest chair and talk into it.

"Hello?"

It takes a moment, but then I hear a tentative voice on the other end of the line. "Hi darling."

I freeze, but quickly recover. I haven't talked to her in months, not since about a month after the war ended. It was just too awkward for both of us, and in the end all we did was cry over our second mutual love dying, breaking our bond even further.

"Hi mom." I say quietly, not knowing what else to say. I sense a presence in the doorway and find Gale leaning against it, an eyebrow quirked. I can tell he's just as surprised as me that my mother called.

"Happy Birthday, Katniss. I know you don't really celebrate, but…"

"It's alright." I tell her, feeling just as odd as she does and I sort of want this conversation to be over. "Thanks."

"I really miss you, honey." She tells me, and I sigh.

"I miss you too." I exclaim almost as a whisper. It's kind of a half lie because we're not that close and I don't really want her here anyway. I have yet to tell her about the baby and I really don't know a good way to bring it up.

We end up talking for another ten minutes, mostly about Prim. She does ask me if anything is new and I just tell her that I've gone to the woods a little and ate some berries this morning, not really telling her anything. When I hang up I breathe heavily, sighing in relief that's over. But when I get up, I find that Gale's still there in the doorway with a strange expression on his face.

"You haven't told her." He accuses me, and his expression is half hurt and half…amused by it?

"Yes I have." I lie, but he shakes his head at me.

"It might be your birthday, but it doesn't mean you're entitled to be a dirty liar." He half grins, shaking his head.

"Like you've told Hazelle." I roll my eyes at him, knowing he hasn't. If he had they would be here in District 12 already, or would have at least called.

"I have." He tells me, a satisfied expression.

"Liar." I call him out.

He snorts at me in return. "That's what you think. But we both know that there's only one liar here, and that's you."

"Just because I'm not telling my mother doesn't mean you're not a liar, Gale." I exclaim, crossing my arms over by chest the best I can with my belly, sort of annoyed at him.

But he ignores my glare and shrugs. "Maybe, but at least I'm not lying to myself."

With that he leaves me alone in the room, and my mouth is gaped open before I let out a frustrated groan. Crap, he can sense that? Well I'm just going to have to prove that it's not a lie to him; a birthday present to myself.


	30. Visitor

"Catnip…"

"Stop." I cut him off, still not wanting to hear it. I don't even really know why I'm so mad at him for this; it's trivial really when you think about it. Honestly, at this point I put it down to the fact that I'm practically on house arrest at this point considering I'm eight months pregnant and the only way I have to get anywhere is walking. Not like there's much to walk to anyway yet in the still mostly diminished District 12, but still. I have to do something, and being mad at Gale's a tried and true activity.

In response he rolls his eyes in slight frustration with me, but with a small smile and a shrug I can tell he's still amused by my reaction-and insistence-that this is all his fault.

"You can't possibly still be mad that I told my mother about the baby." He comments, coming closer to where I'm standing by the crib sent by none other than Hazelle in one of the extra rooms in my giant Victor's Village house that will be the baby's room. It's not the whole reason I'm angry, but the crib is certainly a reminder of it.

"You could have warned me!" I reply bitterly as I fold extra blankets that will go in the corner of the room, really just a way to keep my hands busy so I don't hit Gale or something. He sighs, and I can tell he's tired of having arguments like this.

"I did. It's not my fault you thought I was lying." He points out yet again, leaning against the crib.

That's where the real problem lies; I did think he was lying when my mother called me on my birthday and he insisted that his mother already knew when he was incredulous that my own didn't know about the baby yet. Should I have told my mother? Probably, but I can't bring myself to do it. Not only are we not very close, even less so since Prim died, but that would open up all sorts of topics that I don't want to talk about with my mother of all people, like sex and when I started even having it.

But since I thought Gale was flat out lying when he told me Hazelle knew, I was stubborn enough to try to…I don't know, get him in trouble or something. It was childish, yes, but really I didn't care. So a few days after my birthday when Gale was out (presumably in the woods though he never told me seeing as I was still upset I couldn't go out myself), I was met with a reaction I should have seen coming but didn't. Hazelle was thrilled I called and asked how I was doing, and suddenly I just wanted to hang up the phone and hit myself for actually doing it. Gale wasn't lying about telling his mother or his family for that matter about the baby, and then I was stuck in a twenty minute conversation about the baby.

When Gale got back late that afternoon I was pissed at him. He didn't really understand until I brought it up, but when I did he just laughed at me. That only served to make me more irate, so he quickly sobered up and explained. He didn't really tell me any specifics still (I wonder if he's waiting for me to ask), but he said he couldn't just up and leave for months without an explanation to his family, and it had to be good. Well the truth was as good as anything else, so that's what he told Hazelle. And when I questioned him why his family hadn't come out, I could tell he was a little embarrassed, but eventually I got it out of him. He didn't want them to come until I was normal again. And not in the not pregnant way, but in the forgiving him and letting him back in my life way.

I know it probably came out wrong because we're both terrible with speaking and feelings and everything, but it only made me vexed. I didn't speak to him for at least a day, even if it was sort of irrational. He felt bad for a while, but after about a week when I wasn't letting it go he seemed more amused by my continued anger than anything and has pushed me like he is today since.

"It is your fault." I insist, even though at this point even I know I'm just grasping at straws. "Everything is."

He comes closer to me, trapping me with my back against the crib and hands on both sides of me, forcing me to look directly at him.

"You don't have to do this, Katniss." He informs me almost vaguely, but it's in a half whisper, his tone suggesting some kind of longing I shouldn't pick up on but I do seeing how well we know each other.

"Do what?" I question, but something tells me I don't want him to answer because I don't want to hear it.

"Lie to yourself."

I shake my head in return, desperately needing to look away from his insistant, pleading eyes full of desire. I have to get away before my own longing, not just my hormones from pregnancy or anything else forces me to give in. But I'm stuck there, and it's as if the air has become thick with his longing and mine coated in determination to not give in just for my…pride I guess. For Prim's. Whatever.

But instead of me getting away from this air more like honey keeping me glued where I am and pulling me into its thick, heavy need in the atmosphere that I could so easily drown in, when his face inches closer to mine and our eyes lock, I can hardly breathe. I'm quickly being sucked in when I so desperately need to be in the appearances of anger for…for…I don't even know anymore.

When his hand comes up to my cheek my skin sings from the electric touch that sets my whole being on fire, being warmed from the single spot we're connected.

"Just let it go." He whispers, the desire clouding his vision and luring me into it, and suddenly I can't think clearly anymore.

"Let what go?" I ask, almost surprised I can speak a coherent sentence at all at the moment.

"Everything." He half whispers as his lips start to slowly descend on mine. When our lips brush, something pulls me out of this sea of yearning; a doorbell ringing.

It startles both of us as Gale jumps back and I breathe deep, grateful for the intrusion. Or at least part of me is; my body seems to be pissed at whoever's at the door for stopping it, but I quickly let my head take over my fast paced heart that's still racing from the almost encounter as I make my way past Gale.

But naturally being quicker than me, he recovers and slips past me on my way down the hall, easily beating me down the stairs and to the door. By the time I make it down the stairs, he's talking to a man I vaguely recognize in a white coat but can't quite place him in the living room. When the man catches sight of me, he smiles and walks over, offering a hand to shake.

"Katniss, it's good to see you up and about." He begins, and I can tell it's sincere though I don't know why. "I'm Dr. Marcellus, the one who treated you in the Capitol after the war ended."

Oh right, that's where I know him from. He was the doctor that I ignored until Haymitch came in and told me I was pregnant, the one that wanted him to stop…harassing me I guess. No wonder he was probably sincere in being glad to see me being normal; he last saw me in not such a great state. First a practical mute in my depression from Prim and everyone else that died, and then an fuming mess at Haymitch and Gale and being pregnant at all. Compared to that, heavily pregnant and irritated is a step up.

"It's nice to see you again." I say politely as I shake his hand. "But I'm sorry, I don't know why you're here."

He takes his hand back and chuckles lightly, but I'm secretly glad that I didn't offend him. "Did Haymitch not tell you I would be coming to deliver your baby?"

I desperately want to roll my eyes. Of course, he would rely on that crazy drunk. "No, he didn't mention it."

"Oh." He replies, though he doesn't seem terribly surprised. Apparently he didn't think he could rely on Haymitch either. "Well I'm sorry for the surprise then, but I'll be here in the district until you're in labor and have your child. I have a nurse with me to aid me as well."

"Oh. Okay." I shrug, silently grateful that he thought of this. I hadn't exactly thought that far yet though I'd be happy for the baby to come out already even though I know it isn't time. "Thank you."

"The nurse and I will be staying across the street in that white house, so if you need us don't hesitate to call or come over." He tells me, then turns to Gale.

"You're the father, I'm assuming?"

"Yeah." He nods in response, and the doctor seems…well I don't really know what he seems like. Something tells me he knew the father wasn't Peeta, but maybe he still thinks Gale is my cousin. I wonder if Haymitch told him or he figured it out for himself.

"When she goes into labor, don't hesitate to call me day or night." He exclaims, and then hands Gale a handwritten number, I'm assuming the house number for where he and the nurse are staying.

"Okay, thanks." He replies, taking the number and slipping it in his pocket.

"It was nice to see you again, and to meet you." He smiles and shakes both our hands. "I'll let you get back to your day."

With that he leaves and when the door shuts Gale and I face it, not really knowing what to say. I wouldn't really know what to say anyway, but now I know we're both thinking about what very well probably would have happened if Dr. Marcellus hadn't rang the doorbell. And at that, I find myself blushing and cursing myself, so I leave to go back up and finish the baby's room while Gale mumbles something about going out and leaves.

While normally I'm not thrilled when Gale leaves, especially since I know he usually goes to the woods when he does, today I'm glad. I half expected him to stay and try to resume what the doctor interrupted from even starting, and honestly, I don't really trust that I could resist him at the moment. So leaving me right now was really a saving grace for me, though I'd never let him know.

Relieved, I go back upstairs and get a work out from moving light furniture around the room, not seeming to be satisfied about the arrangement. Honestly I can't believe this is what my life has come to, but I really don't mind doing this; arranging furniture, housework, and I find myself thinking about the baby all the time. Really, I think it's just because I want the baby to be here and out of me already, and with the doctor here it makes it all the more real that it's just around the corner.

I spend a few hours up there just daydreaming really while sitting in the rocking chair that's almost hypnotizing, lulling me into a nap when the doorbell rings yet again. It wakes me up, and I sigh and drag myself down the stairs, thinking it's the doctor again and he forgot to tell me something. Or maybe it's the nurse he mentioned and she's coming to introduce herself too.

So I don't even bother to check out the window of the door and open it without knowing, and when I lock eyes with my visitor I practically go in shock for a second and want to slam the door in their face. But I can't because I'm glued in place.

"Mom?" I half gasp, feeling my cheeks go flaming red as she stares not at me but my swelled belly. But my embarrassment quickly turns to ire when the wheels start turning on why she would be here. Why Gale practically flew down the stairs earlier when the doctor came to beat me to the door. Why Gale reprimanded me for not telling my mother about the baby all this time.

If he ever thought I'd give into him before, he's certainly wrong now.


	31. Embarrassment

A pregnant silence ensues after I blurt out my mother's name, as she continues to stare almost in astonishment at my enormous stomach as I watch her, wishing I could just have stayed in the nursery and keep me and the baby hidden there, away from my mother and her gaped mouth and wide eyes.

And while I'm standing in the doorframe of my house in silence as I wait with bated breath for her to say something… do anything at all but stare, my mind is racing as fast as my heart, pounding so hard I could swear if you looked close enough to my chest you could actually see it. But my thoughts are all over the place, going a million different directions. Pain at seeing my mother again because it reminds me far too much of Prim being gone watching her matching sapphire eyes gawk and her corn silk hair in a tight bun with the wisps blowing in the breeze, the only part of her I think is actually moving at the minute. Guilt that she had to find out like this, and pissed at myself for letting it come to this situation. Embarrassment that my mother of all people now knows exactly what I've done; not that I'm pregnant, but that I've had sex.

I know most mothers give their daughters the birds and bees talk, but I never got it; my father died before she had and then I didn't really listen to her after that. Not that it mattered because I learned all I needed to know just from girls talking about it at school. And well…they say putting yourself in the situation is the best way to learn, and I'd say I could teach on it at this point if we're going with that particular method.

Which leads me, of course, to where I've been for a while now; being mad at Gale. But before, even I know I was grasping at straws most of the time just to keep myself in check. But now…he's exposed me…us really, to my mother of all people as the dirty liars we are, and on top of it didn't even give me a warning.

I swear if I thought I could do this baby thing alone, I'd waddle to the woods where he's evidently hiding out from me and kill him right now.

"Katniss…" my mother eventually croaks out, and meets my eyes. I honestly couldn't tell you what she's thinking because I'm fairly certain she's got a million emotions racing through her as well, but it can't be good. But the sooner we have this conversation, the sooner it will be over.

So with a gulp I sigh. "I know."

It's not the best thing to say, but I really don't know what to say right now. But even I know it sounds absolutely terrible, because I always seem to say the worst thing in emotional situations. Like…the cabin, and Gale, and…apparently I'm just repeating history. Great.

"How did this happen? I didn't even…" she eventually speaks a somewhat coherent sentence, seemingly ignoring my lame answer. I take another deep breath and close my eyes before opening them again, somehow not able to focus on her; I suspect it's out of guilt.

"I'm due this month." I decide to go with, knowing very well she doesn't need to hear how it happened. She knows how babies are made, no need to go into that detail. "And…I didn't tell anyone."

Well that's about as truthful as I can get at the moment. When all the dirty lies you've created get destroyed by the one person you thought would keep them because most were his as well, truth is a painful route but at least it can heal at some point. It's not like I can exactly hide my pregnancy anymore anyway. In fact, the only reason that maybe less than a dozen people know at this point is because I've been hiding out here in District 12 and there aren't a whole lot of people here, let alone people who come to Victor's Village or the woods.

She looks like she wants to yell at me which I would deserve, but evidently decides against it as she bites her lip. After assessing me for what seems like forever she sighs, and asks if she can come in. I nod, not knowing what to say, and she follows me to the kitchen and starts making tea as I sit down at the kitchen table, waiting for her to speak. Yell. Anything.

"Why didn't you tell me?" eventually breaks the silence, and I glance up to find her looking at me from her spot near the stove while the kettle starts to boil.

"I never told anyone. I didn't want people to know." I inform her, fidgeting with my too tight shirt at its hem and very much wishing I didn't have to have this conversation.

Isn't it obvious why I wouldn't want anyone to know? For starters, the whole of Panem was looking to me, and they thought that I was in love with Peeta. Star-crossed lovers. And while they thought I was pregnant before and the…conception of this baby could have probably been fudged a day or two to make it look like it was his, it would be the height of embarrassment for both of us really. I don't want the whole country to know; I don't even want the ten or so people who do know to know. And then there's the whole me completely against marriage and kids and…pure as Peeta called me once. Ha, what a load; I'm about the most unpure girl you can find at this point when it comes to that. But I didn't need everyone knowing that; in fact, I would have gladly kept it a secret if I never got pregnant. I would have never have talked to Gale again, and while I might have still had the horny urges, Peeta would have stayed if I didn't have a baby. Or lied to him for that matter.

But what it really comes down to is absolute, complete embarrassment.

"I'm your mother, honey. I know we're…not close, but I still deserved to know." She exclaims as the tea kettle whistles, and she pulls it off and goes to grab mugs.

She's right, she did deserve to know. Then again so did Gale, and I certainly didn't tell him even though I'm glad that he does now and that he's here though I'd never tell him-especially now. I'll just keep that my little secret.

"And while I'm glad Gale told me to come, this isn't what I expected."

Well if there was ever any doubt that he's the rat here, that's cleared up. Not that there was any doubt in my mind. I fight back an eye roll before groaning under my breath.

"If it makes you feel better, I didn't tell him either." I say, not sure why. Maybe it's just that look she's giving me, as if I hurt her so greatly that it's the equivalent of kicking a puppy or something.

She sighs and comes over with two filled cups of tea and sets them down on the table before crouching down and taking my hands, forcing me to look at her. She's frowning and so am I, but I can sense…parenting coming? This is new.

"It doesn't, Katniss." She starts with, and sighs. Well, so much for that confession. "I know you're scared and embarrassed, but you don't have to do this alone. Lying never helps and always comes back to haunt you, so I'm happy that at least I know now and you won't be trying to make up stories for the next however many months or years."

Well look at my mother, knocking it right on the head on the first try. Maybe she does know me better than I give her credit for.

"I'm sorry." I reply smally, knowing it's a pathetic apology but it's all I can give.

"I know honey." She smiles with sad eyes, and then gets up and sits in the chair next to me. We have our tea with a little bit of small talk before she asks if I'm ready for the baby to come, and I shyly nod and tell her about the baby's room. Naturally she wants to see it so I take her up there and she almost seems impressed by it, which I'm kind of pleased by. It's silly to want my mother of all people's approval when I never truly cared for it for years, but I do.

When she's done looking she informs me that she's staying across the street in Peeta's old house (which is news to me, I have no clue how that happened) and I'm still too embarrassed to offer her the room that was hers here. I certainly don't want her here when I deal with Gale when he shows his face, and with that thought my mood instantly darkens.

"I'll see you tomorrow Katniss, but I have to get back to work so I'm leaving in the evening." She informs me, and I nod.

"Okay, that's…good." I say, and then shake my head knowing it probably came out wrong like usual. "I mean that you're coming tomorrow. And working."

She smiles at me fumbling over my words and puts a hand to my cheek. "It is." She replies quietly, and follows me to the door. But when we get there, she turns to me and puts her hands on my shoulders.

"I know you're angry, but don't give Gale too hard of a time. He meant well." She tries to warn me, and I nod though I have no intention of following her advice. Wow, she really does know me better than I thought. Who knew?

And with that and once last hug, she leaves and I shut the door, deciding to go back up to the baby's room and wait in the rocking chair for that traitor to come back.

It takes a few hours, and I know he's so obviously avoiding me as long as physically possible, probably until dark. He knew my mother was coming today which was why he raced to the door the first time, probably so he could make it better for himself because he knew how mad I'd be at him. But when it was the doctor, someone neither of us were expecting, he came up with a new plan; hide. And while he's left me before, I know he's not running this time. It's just inevitable that he's going to come back, and I'll be waiting.

I've almost dozed off when the door quietly opens downstairs and it wakes me up, prompting me to go to the doorway and wait. I had left the hall lights off and the stars are out now, so it's completely dark. But even with his creepily silent tread I can sense him coming up the steps, probably thinking he's in the clear and I've fallen asleep or something.

That is, until I flick on the lights and he freezes in place, meeting my hard glare and hands crossed over my chest with the guiltiest expression I've ever seen grace his face.

We just stare for a few moments before he breaks the silence.

"She had to know."

"Not like that!" I half yell, very much glad that my mother is two houses away at Peeta's because this isn't going to be something I'd want her to see.

"Would you have really told her if I didn't bring her here?" he questions me.

"Yes!" I answer, but he knows as well as I do that's a lie. My mother was right; it was my plan to make things up for as long as I could get away with it.

"No, you wouldn't have." He calls me out, and I roll my eyes.

"Well fine, so I wasn't. It still wasn't your place to tell her." I yell at him, but that doesn't deter him from coming a few steps closer. But just a few, nowhere near hitting distance. Smart boy; would have been smarter if he didn't bring this conversation about at all.

"Maybe not, but I had to." He agrees, and I make a frustrated noise at his insistence.

"Why? Why would you do that?" I ask, more frustrated than angry at this point.

"Because she had a right to know, and you're already mad at me anyway; might as well make something happen if you were going to be already!" he explains, and I glare and frown at it. Oh, so we're going with that theory, huh? Kind of stupid.

"You thought I was mad before?" I question him, scoffing.

"Actually no." he answers as he cuts me off, and it takes me aback.

"No?" I repeat, astonished. Now I know he's not that dumb.

"No. You're using anger to keep yourself from doing what you want because you don't think you should want it." He explains, and I raise an eyebrow.

"Really? That's what you're going with?"

"And you don't think you deserve it." He finishes, seeming pleased that he thinks he knows me so well. Which he absolutely does, but I can't have him thinking that. Not when I have an extremely legitimate reason to be livid right now, and he fully admitted it.

"You're wrong." I insist, and back up into the room as he comes closer. I slam the door practically in his face and lock it, yelling through it, "And stay away from me!"

He doesn't immediately say anything back, but I can just hear his forehead fall onto the door and his faint sigh through the door. "Okay, but I'm not leaving. Not ever. Please remember that." He begs as quietly as he can so I can hear before I sense him leave.

And only then do I let myself crumble down and lean against the door while I'm sitting, finally letting the tears fall that have been so desperate to come out since this whole fighting thing began.


	32. Knowing

"Alright, would you like to order a blue one with cross stitching on the edges, or the yellow one with white stripes." Marion questions me, flipping through a catalog that she's been obsessed with for the past hour, her tea already cooled off that she's barely touched today.

"Blue?" I ask, not really paying attention because I was daydreaming. Again. It's a good thing my company doesn't seem to mind too much because I do it far more often than I should nowadays.

Marion is the nurse that came with Dr. Marcellus, the doctor that took care of me in the Capitol after a different doctor noticed I was pregnant when treating my burns. I like the doctor well enough, but he's a rather quiet man since he grew up in District 13 (something I didn't realize before a week ago since I just assumed he was from the Capitol) and spends much of his time reading books. He claims he doesn't get a lot of free time so he enjoys catching up on his reading. Honestly, I'm probably the most boring job ever right now since we're pretty much just waiting around for the baby to want to come out, so I don't blame him for filling his time with something he likes to do.

Marion, however, I can tell is not a reader. I met her the day after my mother left back to District 4 mostly because I was avoiding Gale and everything that surrounds that situation (which is just fine since he seems to be doing the same with me and escaping to the woods), and she's a chatterbox for sure. Normally I wouldn't want to be around someone like that too often, but my choices of company are severely limited at the moment- it's not like I'm going to run to Haymitch, after all. So I come here where she and the doctor are staying most days and even if I block her chattering out, it's nice not to be with someone that you should be furious at but still want (yes, I've finally admitted to my wanting him, or at least to myself) or by myself.

But sometimes I do listen to her, and a few days ago she wanted to see the baby's room if I had one. She followed me over back to my house and like I suspected we found it deserted, which ended up strangely making me relieved and annoyed at the same time. But Marion didn't even notice as she found her way without my help up to the baby's room and explored. I felt silly, but I was apprehensive what she thought of it.

"It's lovely!" she exclaimed as she starts going though drawers. "But where are all the clothes?"

"Clothes?" I repeated, suddenly feeling stupid. I don't know why I didn't really think about that, nor Gale for that matter. Besides, I don't know how to sew and it's not like there's a ton of places to buy clothes around this deserted mostly dilapidated district. It's not like Cinna thought that far into the future when I came home after the Games to a closet full of clothes.

"Yes!" she nodded, and then turned to me with a warm, understanding smile. "You know what? I think I can remedy this."

"You can?" I questioned, assuming she knew how to sew or something. Though I had no clue how many baby articles of clothing one could sew in a few weeks' time.

"Oh yes." She assured me. Two days later a catalog of all things baby showed up at her house and she's been scouring through it since.

"Pale blue, since you don't know what you're having. It would go well with a boy or girl." She clarifies, and I nod to that, honestly not caring that much about colors. Marion was surprised at first that I didn't know what I was having while I was shocked that there was even a way to find out. She told me it could be seen on the machine that the doctor proved to me basically I was pregnant on when the baby was a little bigger, but Dr. Marcellus hadn't brought that with him. I really didn't care what I was having, so it seems to bug her more than me which is at least slightly entertaining. So sometimes I play along with it.

"Yes, if only I could know." I sigh, feeling a little guilty for using her as entertainment but it's not as if I have many options at this point. Besides, she never catches on anyway.

"Oh I know, Katniss." She sighs, frowning slightly as she puts the catalog down and takes my hand that's not resting on my stomach. "But you'll know soon."

"The sooner the better." I comment, and she smiles. It's no secret I'm just done being pregnant at this point. My due date isn't for another two weeks but I'm more than ready for it. Not so much the labor and actually giving birth, but the fact that I won't have a giant balloon as a stomach and I can walk without help again. Maybe even get to the woods at some point if I can get away…

"Do you have a preference?" she questions me, and I look up.

"Preference?" I repeat, not understanding what she's asking. My preference would be for the baby to come now, but I don't think that's what she's asking.

"Boy or girl."

"Oh." I reply, hesitating. "Not really."

"Oh." She looks taken aback and almost disappointed I don't have an opinion. But really I don't understand why. I didn't want a baby in the first place and certainly don't know how to take care of one; I doubt it's going to change too much how good of a parent I'll be if it's a boy or girl. "What about Gale?"

It's my turn to look taken aback now, but I hide it from her. It's not like we haven't talked about him before because she obviously knows by this point he's the father of this baby though most would assume it was Peeta's if they knew since they don't know me, but this is the first time she's asked me how he feels about something. And to be honest, I don't know how he feels about that. I know he's excited about the baby though he tries to hide it most of the time (probably for my sake), but we haven't talked about that. We just call it the baby and that's it, nothing more.

"A boy." I lie to her, feeling that she should think at least one of us has an opinion. Besides, wouldn't most boys want a son? I'd guess so since my own dad took me out to the woods and everything almost like I was his pseudo son, but then again, I have no idea.

"Ah I see." She smiles, content with one of us having an opinion. "You know what? I do think you're having a boy."

"Really?" I respond, curious why she thinks that. "Why?"

"Because I'm sort of psychic." She claims in all seriousness, and it honestly takes all I have not to burst out laughing. Psychic, huh? Could have used one of those in the last few years.

"Oh." I say, not knowing how to reply.

"Yes, and you know what else I can see in the future?" she asks me, and I'm so amused by her being serious about this that I go along with it.

"What?"

"You being married with two more children." She smiles, and suddenly I feel like running away. Alright, now I know she's being ridiculous. For one, I'm never getting married, not ever. Even if…even if Gale and I were to come to terms or something, I still wouldn't get married. And it's not like it would be anyone else because I'd doubt if I ever see Peeta again. And I'm certainly not having any more kids; I didn't want this one, I'm never going through this again.

"I...don't think that's in the cards for me." I tell her honestly, but she shakes her head.

"Oh, I think it is." She insists. "I know you two have you're issues, but the bond between you is so powerful that I know it will happen. I didn't need to be psychic to know that back when I first saw you two together."

"When?" I ask, confused. As far as I know the only time Marion has ever seen us together has been on a television when we were doing propos back in the war, and we certainly weren't doing anything on the screen to indicate that. And the only time she's seen us together in person was one day last week when Gale was leaving for the woods, and I was blatantly ignoring him. Which was fine because he was ignoring me too, apparently fed up with me. Which I sort of understand, but he has yet to leave, just like he promised. I secretly am glad about that because now that he's here I'm assured that I don't have to do this parenting thing alone.

"Oh, it must have been back during the war sometime. I think when you had come back hurt from District 2." She informs me. "I didn't come in the room, but I could see you two talking and interacting, and I just knew."

Well this is a surprise. I sure hope it wasn't during the dead of night when Gale came to see me, because that would certainly make this awkward. I remember he told me not to speak so I did things that didn't involve speaking. Embarrassing to say the least if she knew. "Knew what?"

She smiles as if she has been keeping a big secret, and suddenly wants to tell it, almost…smug?

"That you didn't really love Peeta."

"Oh." I reply, suddenly feeling awkward. "Well…I was still confused about that, but I didn't actually know what I felt really."

She laughs much to my surprise, and suddenly I'm almost angry. Why is my confusion so damn funny? "Oh Katniss, it's alright to be confused. You had the whole country believing that you loved him but as soon as I saw you with Gale and knew he wasn't your cousin, I knew."

Well it doesn't surprise me she found out that the cousin thing was a ruse, because we both despised it from the beginning. Even though when it started he hadn't even kissed me yet and we were just friends, somehow people thinking I was related to him irked me the wrong way. Perhaps because deep down I knew that 'friends' was never the word to describe us because it was so much more, but honestly I think it was because the Capitol was just taking another thing away from me, controlling my life.

"I can't believe anyone believed that." I almost whisper bitterly, still annoyed by that even today. I guarantee people still believe it anyway and there would be no remedy for my reputation if they found out we had a baby together. Not that I particularly care what people think anyway, and they probably wouldn't believe the truth even if I screamed it from the rooftops.

"I can." She insists, and I raise an eyebrow at her. "Well you look enough alike, but honestly if people saw you together they wouldn't believe it. And since most of the country didn't, that I understand."

"I still hated it." I shrug, admitting that it bothered me.

"Oh I would too, especially in your position." She nods, and then puts the catalog down on the table. "It only takes one time to change everything, and this happened to be the one time it mattered in your case."

"One time?" I ask, not quite understanding what she's implying.

"Yes, that you…slept together. I know you were utterly shocked by it when you found out you were pregnant and Haymitch insisted it was only one time because he found you after." She informs me, and I blush furiously.

So Haymitch told her it was only once? Or did he tell the doctor that? Because that is such a dirty lie and Haymitch knows it almost as well as Gale and I do. Though I suppose if she'd like to think it was only a onetime thing in a moment of weakness, who am I to tell her she's so wrong? Not to mention that we've…slept together long after that. That one I'll never tell.

"Oh, right." I agree. "I can't believe Haymitch told you that."

"Don't be too mad at him, he was just trying to help us understand how you could be so far along and not know." She tries to comfort me as if I'm upset with my former mentor. Though to be honest, I'm quite the opposite of upset; more like…grateful.

"I'll try." I lie, and get her back on the topic of clothes so I can tune her out. But after an hour or so I tell her I need a nap and she lets me go back home, but I don't go home right away. Instead, I take a left and go to Haymitch's house, walking right in.

For once he's up and drunk as ever, seeming surprised to see me. Honestly I don't want to be here because the stench is almost making me pass out, but I have to understand.

"Eh sweetheart, what brings ya here?" he questions me, smiling and smirking at the same time. "Askin me how to take care of a kid, cause I'll tell ya now I don't know how."

"You told the doctor I'd only had sex once?" I question him, going straight to the point so I can get out of this stink hole.

"When?" he asks, as if he doesn't know what I'm talking about.

"Back in the hospital at the end of the war. You gave them a reason I was so surprised because I didn't know I was pregnant yet." I clarify, and suddenly he seems to get it.

"Oh, yeah." He nods, taking another swig of alcohol. "What's it to ya?"

"Why?" I demand to know, "I know you know that's a lie."

At that he laughs and keeps laughing until he sees I'm getting annoyed with him. Then he smirks. "Hey, dirty liars stick together, right?"

Suddenly I know what I knew before, and smile gratefully before laughing too. Haymitch Abernathy is a lot of things, but one of the most prominent is that he's an excellent liar. And apparently once a part of the dirty liars club, always a part of it. And Gale and I are its newest members.

"Right."


	33. Brainless

A ringing wakes me up from my nap, and I'm momentarily disoriented because I was dreaming of things yet again I shouldn't be. But groaning to myself, I'm about ninety five percent certain that I'm the only one here to answer the thing (Gale's never here anymore, during the day at least), so I force myself to get out of bed and half waddle, half jog to the nearest phone. Normally I wouldn't care about answering it, but since so few people actually call me I know it can only be Effie or my mother.

If it's Effie then I'd much rather be sleeping, but Effie tends to not be as understanding and just calls again if she suspects I'm home until I get so annoyed that I pick the phone up. Of course she'd probably be more understanding if she knew I was pregnant, but as far as I know she doesn't. I certainly haven't told her, but I wouldn't have to have to know that she has this juicy piece of gossip-if Effie knew, she'd talk about it. All the time. I'm still not very close with my mother and I doubt I ever will be, but since she came up here we've been talking more, and my mother gives me some advice every now and then. Some of it's actually helpful, like dealing with back pain and the fact that she sends me up herbs to take for it.

I'm sure Dr. Marcellus would order some fancy medicine for me to take if I asked him to, but honestly I don't want to. He's doing enough by being here for me just waiting around since my mother can't leave work that often to deliver my baby, and truthfully I wouldn't feel comfortable asking him.

So hoping it's my mother, I pick up on the last ring and pray a Capitolite voice I used to mock doesn't answer. "Hello?"

"Hey, brainless."

I pause for a minute, utterly confused. There's only one person who calls me brainless, and she hasn't spoken to me since before the war ended. So what gives? Yet another person Gale told about me being pregnant that I didn't want to know? It doesn't make a whole lot of sense for him to tell Johanna Mason of all people, but I don't know why she'd be calling me if it wasn't for that. What else is there to talk to me about these days anyway? Marion doesn't know, that's for sure.

"Oh. Hi Johanna." I finally reply, going for pleasantly surprised even though I'm not, a small anger beginning to simmer. "What's up?"

"Well you're sounding better." She comments, and it confuses me for a minute before she continues. "Not all avoxy anymore, are we?"

"Avoxy?" I repeat, raising an eyebrow. Is that even a word?

"Yeah. Mute. Depressed. Whatever." She explains, and I roll my eyes even though she can't see it. Yeah, I was, but I think that's understandable. It would have been a lot worse if I wasn't pregnant and that didn't snap me out of it to begin with. Hmm…maybe that's her point. Why would she have known what I was like, and why would she bring it up? "The point is, you're not anymore."

"I guess so." I answer, shrugging but still suspicious. It's true I'm not…avoxy or whatever anymore. I'm still sad and pained over Prim and everything else-there isn't a day that goes by where I don't think about it or feel it. But with another life that will literally be in my hands and my responsibility very soon, I'm far too worried about that to keep being mute and depressed. Not that Gale would ever let me be. He seems intent on keeping me mad or unconsciously wanting him, that's for sure. "But that can't be the reason you called." I point out, waiting for her to blurt it out and just get this stupid conversation over with already, which will probably include (much like Haymitch) a whole lot of laughing at me and smugness.

"No of course not." She admits, "I'm calling about the baby."

Well here it is. "Yeah I know."

"You know that Annie had her baby yesterday?" Johanna asks, sounding astonished. "Did Haymitch tell you?"

Oh so this is how she's going to play it. Well two can play that game. "No, my mother did." I lie, remembering that Annie went back to District 4. My mother would know, right? I mean, she does work at the hospital down there. Besides, why would Haymitch know? I wouldn't think he'd even care. "What's the baby's name?"

"Finnick." She informs me. "Finn for short. I don't think Annie could imagine him with any other name."

"That's cute." I answer, but it brings back a singe of pain when I think of Finnick, the one I knew, not this baby. I still feel responsible for his death even if Johanna and Annie don't know it, and they never will. But really I'm pained for this baby as well, who will never know his father that is his namesake. My father was so important to me and I still miss him so much, and Finn will grow up his whole life without his father. No matter how mad I am at Gale, I am relieved and glad that he's not leaving me with this baby, but also especially for the baby. Gale will make a great dad, a much better one than I'll be a mother for sure. Even I can admit that. Which reminds me…how long is she going to keep me waiting for this punch line of hers?

"It is." She agrees, but even through the phone I can tell she misses her best friend too. "Well anyway, I'm down here helping Annie out for a while and I was thinking you could come down and see Finn."

She's in District 4? And this is her game then, telling me to come down when she knows I can't. "When?"

"Um tomorrow or something." She tells me. "It's not like you're doing anything, and there are woods down here if you must hunt."

The nerve of this girl! Oh what am I saying, this is Johanna-of course she's doing this to drive me insane when she knows I can't come down now and I certainly haven't been hunting. "I can't." I tell her, frustrated with her games.

"What? Oh come on, you're not depressed anymore and you're not doing anything." She complains, and I groan.

"Oh give it up Johanna, you know I can't right now." I exclaim.

"Um, no I don't. You really are brainless, aren't you?" she half teases, half seems frustrated at me.

"I'm not brainless, I'm pregnant and you know it so just get on with your laughing." I finally say, vexed with her. She's dead silent for a minute before she answers, and somehow I can picture her laughing silently and thinking that I'm impatient and don't like playing her games.

"You're what?"

"You can stop playing games, Johanna." I roll my eyes.

"I fucking knew it! You and Hawthorne were a thing!" she half yells into the phone. "And now you're knocked up?" she laughs, and it's like she can't breathe normally. "When are you due?"

Suddenly I feel like an idiot. Johanna is all about being smug when she's one upping someone, and she's sounding like she legitimately didn't know. Which means… "I'm due any day now. Are you really telling me you didn't know?"

"Why the hell would I know that? I suspected something was going on in Thirteen but I didn't know." She informs me. "And I certainly didn't know you've been knocked up for nine months. Which by the way, why didn't I know?"

Crap. So Gale didn't tell her. I did. Well I guess she's the first person I've told myself even though I didn't really mean to. "I didn't really tell anyone. I thought you already knew and you were playing me."

She laughs at me, and now I know she really does think I'm brainless. Honestly, I'm starting to question that myself now. "Well I certainly didn't. Oh my god, does Gale know? I know you don't really talk to him or anything but…"

"He knows. He's been in 12 for a while." I tell her, not really wanting to explain it to her but I know if I lied about that then she'd figure it out. After all, I wouldn't have put it past her to call Gale herself and tell him if he hadn't already known.

"Oh. And are you two all chummy again?" she questions, though I know the phrase she really wants to use is 'at it like rabbits' or something.

"Chummy?" I repeat, making it obvious by my tone that I know that's not what she's really trying to find out.

"Okay, going at it. Because your gorgeous cousin slash baby daddy is one hot piece of ass and I know you wanted him even when you didn't." she replies, and I can see a smirk on her face even through the phone, which is quite annoying.

"He's not my cousin!" I exclaim, still frustrated and bitter about that.

"Calm down brainless, I know. It's just fun to piss you off, especially with those crazy hormones of yours now." She snorts, "Ooo, so is it weird having sex being that fat and all? I've always wondered."

"No! No sex." I inform her, even though it's a dirty lie. Well…partially anyway. And for the record it's not really weird, it's just…different. Though since I only have one experience to go off of and I was extremely desperate at that point I'm not sure if I was really in a comparing mood.

"What?" she cries in disbelief. "You can't seriously be saying that you haven't since…what, before the war?"

"No!" I lie, and that one is out right. All of a sudden I'm thinking about during the war, and all my dreams and little fantasies when he wasn't there, and that one night where we actually did have sex…multiple times. And that dream Johanna woke me up for where she unknowingly tricked me into telling her I was pregnant. "I'm still mad at him. He hurt me, but he's…here, and I'm pregnant and…"

"And you don't know what you're doing." She finishes for me. "Well whatever. Call me when you're kid's here, because I'll probably still be down here in Four."

"Alright." I sigh, giving into that. What's it really matter anymore anyway? If she honestly wants to know then I'll tell her. "So why did you call if you didn't want to make fun of me for being pregnant?"

"Just to tell you about Finn and that you should come down." She informs me, and something tells me it's the truth. So I really did screw up myself this time. Figures.

"Oh. Well…guess I'll talk to you later." I reply, feeling rather stupid. Maybe she's right and I am brainless now.

"Alright, later brainless." She ends with, and hangs up the phone. I put my phone in the receiver and turn in the chair to get up only to find Gale leaning against the doorway, arms crossed and looking amused.

"How much of that did you hear?" I ask him, knowing he at least knows the jist of this awkward conversation.

"Pretty much all of it." He grins and I roll my eyes. "So Annie had her kid?"

"Yeah, Finn." I answer his question, but I'm not done with him yet. "Are you sure you didn't call Johanna and tell her?"

"Um yeah." He replies, seeming confused as to why I'm asking. "Why would I tell her?"

"I don't know." I shrug trying to get up from my chair but I'm struggling. Without asking Gale comes over and helps me, and I'm too tired to get angry at him for not letting me be independent. Besides, he smells like the forest I miss so much and wood smoke, and it's making me far more inclined to let him help me.

Once I'm up he has an arm around my waist for support, but slips it away and comes in front of me, his hands on my shoulders so I have to look at him. "You know I don't have to be the reason for every bad thing." He tells me quietly, trying to make me understand and let him in again. I can tell he misses it, our deep connection. And not just the sex and other things, our friendship from before the war too. To be honest, I miss him and that too, but…I just can't.

"I know." I find myself answering in spite of my resolve, and he sighs. His breath smells like mint and I know he's been chewing them in the forest, and it makes me miss it even more. Gosh I miss all of it.

"Then why did you think I told Johanna?"

"Honestly?" I say, and he nods, "Johanna is always one to make fun of people and I couldn't think of another reason she'd randomly call."

"And if I had told her?" he questions me, and I glance at him suspiciously.

"Then you're a better liar than I give you credit for and I applaud you." I answer sarcastically, knowing he didn't tell Johanna. Honestly, I feel stupid now for believing he did. He never really liked her too much.

"Liar." He calls me out. "You'd be mad at me just like everything else."

"No I wouldn't." I insist, and a hint of a smile plays on his face.

"Oh really? And if I were to…" he answers, but instead of finishing his sentence he starts leaning down and I know he's going to kiss me. And while I should prove him right and push him away or something, I feel a heavy pull for him that is taking over, like a dam breaking and flooding me with emotion and love and…

There's a wetness going down my legs and a faint splashing on the floor, and we both look down and find ourselves now in a puddle, my nightgown soaked.

"Oh my god." I panic, and suddenly I can't breathe. My water just broke. I'm having the baby. I'm having a baby.

I'm having a baby?!


	34. Want

Oh my god. My water broke. I'm in labor.

I can barely breathe and can only stare at the growing puddle where water is still dripping from my nightgown into it, a slow panic beginning to grip me in its hands. I don't even look up when Gale eventually snaps out of his own shock, taking my hand.

"Come on, we're going to get Dr. Marcellus." He tells me, pulling on my hand. But I can't move from my spot where I'm glued, still looking at the puddle as my silent panic rises. I haven't had any contractions yet, but I know enough from watching or hearing my mother deliver babies over to years to know that they are coming, and soon. And they aren't going to be fun.

"Katniss, we have to go." He tries again, pulling on my hands. I barely budge. Sighing, he goes for a different approach, dropping my hand and taking my face in both hands, forcing me to look up. When he finds the fear growing in my eyes, he softens his expression though I can tell he's fighting off his own panic for my sake. "Katniss."

"I…I…" I try speaking, but somehow this turn of events has rendered me speechless. Of course.

Gale sighs again and kisses my forehead quickly. "I'm going to get them. I'll be back in just a minute." He informs me, and then meets my eyes testing my sanity at the moment. "Are you going to be alright by yourself for a minute?"

I try to nod, but to be honest I don't believe myself. I just stand there staring at him as the shock is wearing off and the panic is returning. And then all of a sudden a sharp pain hits me and I near stumble over with a gasp, holding on to my stomach and groaning. The contraction is bad, but I know it's only going to get worse and I squeeze my eyes shut as I will it to go away.

Gale seems to panic at this, but goes into a mode where he's not taking no for an answer and without even asking, picks me up as my contraction continues and runs out the door with me in his arms, going carefully down the steps and awkwardly opening the door with me still in his arms. Terrified and now in a full fledge panic, I can't even be upset that he's carrying me like this. Instead of yelling or something, I bury my face in his chest as he half jogs with me in his arms across the street to the house the doctor and Marion are staying.

I barely pay attention enough that he hasn't even knocked on the door and just fumbled with the doorknob, thankfully finally opening the already open door. We must make quite a noise when we come in because both residents come rushing to the door from different rooms, taking in the scene that is us in front of them.

"Oh my, what's wrong?" Marion questions in a slight panic, her hand going up to her mouth. But the doctor seems to understand quicker than she does, I'd assume assessing from my damp nightgown and Gale's face whatever it looks like right now paired with us barging in. I guess those clues don't leave many options as to what it could be considering I was due any day anyway.

"Follow me." He insists, and it takes me a second to realize we've stopped walking since my face is still buried in Gale's chest, wishing that this wasn't happening. Couldn't I have had just one more day, or even a little more warning?

I realize now that I wished this upon myself just wanting the baby out of me already. What I didn't realize was how panicked or terrified I'd be when it decided to come. Be careful what you wish for I guess.

"Katniss, the guest room where I have everything set up is upstairs. Can you walk for me up there?" I hear the doctor address me, and I suddenly freeze in place. Walk? By myself? Do I really have a choice? I've been kind of a wimp thus far, because I probably was capable of walking over here by myself if I wasn't in such…shock.

So I nod and this indicates to Gale to let me down, but he doesn't really let me out of his grasp until he's absolutely certain I'm standing steady. I'm alright, just a little fear keeping me a tiny bit wobbly. Dr. Marcellus nods at my agreement to walk and goes up the stairs without looking back, I'm assuming to go set up whatever it is he needs to.

Taking a deep breath, I glance at the stairs and hold on to the rail, taking the first two steps. And then the most random thought crosses my mind, more of a memory really. Walking up the steps of the stage in the town square to go to the Hunger Games to save my dear sister Prim from a fate that came in a different way. Going up the stairs to the interviews with Caeser, going up the stairs again for the Quarter Quell where I was so certain I was going to die.

What if my baby has to go through that?

No, I'm being stupid, there is no Hunger Games or dictator presidents anymore. But still it's there, and as I make my way up the steps to deliver my baby my mind can't help but think. Of a boy at twelve years old being called up by Effie to his death, trying to look determined. Of me choking on my own fear because I can't save him. Of him going right up those steps to a world where death is practically your only fate…

"Katniss, what's wrong?" a voice comes from behind me, concerned. It's not until then that I realize I've frozen in place on the step I'm currently on, terrified by a fear that shouldn't exist anymore. But being my irrational brain, I can't help but want this baby to stay safe and sound in me though it's so bound and determined to come out.

"Just…tired." I lie, though even I can tell it's not that convincing. I mean I didn't even walk over here and I had just woken up from a nap before my water broke. And I've only had one contraction thus far-while it's painful, it has the opposite effect of making me want to sleep. Pain in sleep would only bring more nightmares, and I'm beginning to think my brain is going to make this a living one.

He places a warm hand on my cheek and sighs, keeping his voice low. "I think about it too, but just…keep reminding yourself it will never happen. That world is gone."

I should have known that Gale would know exactly what I was thinking. He usually does. But then I realize something…that world is gone in part because of him, and me, and a whole slew of other people, but at what cost? Prim…a voice whispers in my head, and suddenly I'm making my way up the stairs with tears threatening to spill, not looking back.

For once I don't think Gale knows where my thoughts have turned, because he stupidly follows me upstairs. I would have complained or yelled when a hand came to support my back except another contraction chose that moment to make its return, and suddenly the pain overthrew any hurt or anger I might have had.

I don't even complain when I'm picked up again (awkwardly this time since we were on stairs) and carried to the room where it looks strangely like a hospital set up.

Great.

Gale sets me down on the bed as Marion comes into the room with some sort of supplies as Dr. Marcellus exits, I'm assuming going to get something else. Once I'm settled in against the bedframe and my contraction is easing away, I try to breathe.

"I'm not leaving." Gale murmurs, and I'm assuming it is supposed to assure me that I won't have to do this alone. It's supposed to be sweet I guess. But right now as I'm in labor, I'm not in a real forgiving mood.

"You always leave. Every day." I remind him bitterly, just low enough so if either of the current residents of this house comes in they won't know what we're saying. They may know that things aren't great between us, but neither need to know the specifics. "To the woods."

He raises an eyebrow, clearly feeling slightly guilty about that because he knows that I'm jealous that he gets to go and I don't, but almost amused by it-I'd guess because I'm bringing it up now of all times. "So?"

"So?" my eyes widen. I know he's trying to be funny but it's a wrong mood on his part. "You didn't have to go."

"You didn't want me in the house." He counters, crossing his arms. He has a point but I don't really care.

"You didn't have to come back." I reply, and somewhere in the back of my head even I know that was a stupid statement. Gale's face says as much.

"Yes I did." He declares. "And as much as you like pretending you hate me being here, I know you don't."

I roll my eyes in response, even though he's right on most of that assumption. "Would you have come back in the first place if you didn't find out about this?" I question, pointing to my stomach.

"Yes, eventually." He replies, but he hesitates enough that I know he's lying.

"Liar." I call him out.

"So what? You and I both know we wouldn't even be speaking if it weren't for the baby." He points out. "So who cares if that's the reason I'm here?"

"I do." I reply, even though I'm being irrational and I know it. "If I wasn't pregnant in the first place you've admitted you wouldn't be here."

"Because you wouldn't want me here!"

"I didn't want to be pregnant either, but you did that!" I yell back at him, frowning, "So who's fault is that?"

"It's yours too." He comments, and I glare.

"Maybe, but did you know that we should have been more careful so this wouldn't happen?" I question him. I know I'm just being stupid now because I should have thought of it too, but I can't help it.

What I didn't anticipate was hesitation, and the fact that for just a fraction of a second guilt crosses his eyes.

"You did!?" I realize, my mouth gaped open. He doesn't admit he thought of it, but it's enough for me. Gale realized we weren't being careful and knew that this could come of it. In fact, he probably wanted it to happen.

If I thought I was mad at him before, it's nothing compared to now.

"Why would you not say anything?!" I yell. "Did you want this to happen? Did you know it was the only way I would let you back into my life after what happened to Prim?!"

"No of course not! How could you say such a thing?" he fights back, hurt that I would even think something like that. Of course he wouldn't have had that insight, even I know I'm being dumb saying that. I got pregnant at least six weeks before that even happened. But he…and I….and he knew…

"Get out!" I scream, pointing to the door.

"Katniss!" he pleads, but as another contraction hits I don't care enough to listen to reason. Panting, I turn away from his as much as I can on the bed and let a tear slip. Eventually I feel him get off the bed and quietly slip away.

Through the open door I can hear his conversation with Dr. Marcellus, who quite obviously heard at least some if not most of our yelled conversation.

"She'll come around." He tries to comfort Gale, "All pregnant women at this state are more apt to be unreasonable, and most do blame the fathers for their current pain."

"I messed up big time." Gale admits, "I don't think it's just irrationality on her part."

I hear a sigh, though I don't know who it's from.

"I know it will be hard, but even if she doesn't want it she's going to need your support through this. Just try for her and the baby." The doctor advises. I don't hear Gale's response, but he doesn't come in for a while even though the doctor does.

It takes forever and the labor only gets more difficult. Night has already fallen by the time I start pushing. To Gale's credit, he doesn't really say much at all, but he does try to comfort me in any way possible. Even when I yell at him or blame him for everything, no longer caring that Dr. Marcellus or Marion can hear it loud and clear since they're in the room anyway. Even when I repeat over and over that I hate him as I'm pushing, sweat dripping down my forehead and hair. Granted I'm just being almost silly with that one because Dr. Marcellus gave me some miracle drug that has basically numbed the bottom half of my body so that I can't feel a thing, but it's still hard to push when I can't tell if I'm making any progress at all.

But my yelling and blaming stops as soon as I hear a healthy cry around the time the sky is graying into a new day, finally sinking down into the bed in my exhaustion. I don't even know what the baby is yet as Marion takes it and cleans it off across the room with Gale hovering over there, but I'm too relieved it's over to particularly care at the moment.

Finally Gale starts walking over with a bundle in his hands, sitting down next to me and carefully placing a sleeping tiny baby bundled in a blanket in my arms.

"It's a girl." He says quietly, placing a hand on her blanket and smiling softly down. I do the same, gently touching my newborn daughter's face and little perfect hand that's sticking out.

I've always heard that you fall in love with your child the instant you see them if you haven't already, but seeing as I never wanted kids I didn't really think too hard about it. Now I can't imagine thinking otherwise. All of a sudden my entire world has shifted and all that matters is the tiny life in my hands. The fears keep coming but as long as I hold her I know I can keep them mostly at bay.

"Beautiful." I half whisper, and a nod from my peripheral vision tells me that Gale agrees.

We sit in silence for a few minutes just admiring the life we brought to this world with our dirty little secrets, and Gale is the one who breaks it.

"Do you want to name her Prim?"

Looking up from my daughter for the first time since she was put into my arms, I meet Gale's guarded expression with guilt and pain in his eyes. I know he's trying to hold it back, but I also know it's my fault it's there in the first place. I'm brought back to a memory of when he just came back and I was in the middle of a deep anger, claiming that if I had a girl I'd name it Prim so he could kill her too.

Suddenly I know I was being irrational and hurtful when I said that. Stupid too. No matter what this baby's name is, I know Gale would never hurt her-ever. And while I am mad at him for knowing that this could happen, I also feel terrible that I've made him feel guilty in the fact that I suggested he could ever do such a thing.

"No." I decide, and I can see the faintest hint of relief on his face as I do so. I don't know what her name will be yet and I don't know if I could ever forgive Gale, but one thing is for certain-she deserves her own name that doesn't have any burden attached to it.

And since she has two dirty liars for parents, that could be quite a feat to find one.


	35. Forgive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Not that I actually think this is a name our dear Katniss and Gale would have picked (seeing as how odd names seem to be in Panem), but I chose the name of their daughter for one reason; I have a thing for irony. And since the name I chose means 'Pure', I thought it would be funny given her parents in this are dirty liars and anything but pure now ;)

"Oh I'm going to miss being here so much." Marion shakes her head and sighs, "You better send me pictures at least a few times a year, and no excuses since I ordered you that camera!"

"I will." I promise, even though I know I'm lying for the most part. I wouldn't try to be mean, I'd just probably forget to send them let alone take the pictures even with the camera Marion insisted on ordering since she couldn't believe I wouldn't have any of my child.

"Alright." Marion grins, though I suspect she doesn't really expect me to remember anyway. "Goodbye sweet baby, I'll miss you." She coos to my week old daughter before handing her back to me.

I gratefully take her in my arms, not because I don't trust Marion with her but I still have irrational fears of people taking her away from me-The Hunger Games, Snow, Coin, Gamemakers and all. Things that don't even exist anymore but do in my head. Gale has been trying to help me with that but even if he won't admit it, I know he has the same fears I do-he just hides them better.

After Marion finally leaves, I take an already sleeping Caitlyn up to her nursery. Since I had nixed Prim for her name and I didn't want something so pure to have any burden attached to her right from the beginning, it took at least a few hours to come up with a name. In the end Gale and I just stared at her until Gale just spoke up and said it. He said he had no idea where it came from, it just seemed to fit. And as I glanced back down to her and tried to fit the name with her small wisps of ebony hair, flawless olive skin and grey eyes that I had only gotten a peek at, the name was good enough for me. Since I didn't want to be pregnant anyway let alone have a child I didn't really think as far as a name, but Caitlyn was as good as anything else.

My mother was thrilled and happily surprised with her grandchild being born, and promised to make it up here to see her as soon as possible. She called back a few days later and said that she couldn't get out of work for another two months, but when she did she would be staying for five days this time. She wishes that we could come down to see her but didn't really push it, seeing as I'm not going to travel with a baby. I don't even like trains at all-they remind me of the Hunger Games and the Capitol still. I doubt that will ever go away.

I know Johanna feels the same as I do about trains (I suspect the reason she's still in District 4), she hasn't left yet and hasn't offered to come up here. She did, however, have a grand old time of making fun of me like normal. She had a field day that I essentially went in labor right after calling her. What I think is more ironic is that I went into labor after I told someone myself that I was pregnant for the first time, but Johanna doesn't really care about specifics. All she asked is that if I get knocked up again that I name the kid after her.

"I'm not ever going to be pregnant again." I insisted, looking down the hall to where Caitlyn was being awed over by Marion while I was on the phone. Don't get me wrong do I love her, but I still never wanted a kid in the first place. Actually, I don't even know how to be a mom. It's almost embarrassing that Gale knows what he's doing more than I do because he basically half raised his siblings, especially Posy. I thought motherhood was supposed to come naturally? Apparently not in my case. Not that I'm particularly surprised.

"Oh come on Katniss, you know you will." Johanna replies, scoffing off my insistence. "It's not like there's a way to prevent it."

"Actually there is." I inform her, not because I asked but because Dr. Marcellus told me. He knew that I was friends with Finnick and informed me that while in District 13 he talked to Finnick, more as therapy than anything. I knew the basics of what Finnick went through as a Victor but he told Dr. Marcellus a lot more. Apparently since Snow didn't want Finnick to accidentally be tied down to a specific person when he was forced to do appointments, much of that meant not getting anyone pregnant. He had to take a sort of sterile shot every three months to prevent that, so I guess in a way it was a sort of birth control. Actually, Dr. Marcellus claimed they would have done that for all Victors that did appointments, which means I suspect that Johanna knows this. "I know about the shot."

"Well whatever, who cares? It's not like you have any." She exclaimed, not seeming to care that I caught her out. I don't push it though, because despite her hard exterior (and interior most of the time), I know it still hits Johanna hard. Especially since Finnick is gone.

Actually despite the fact I didn't want it, I know Dr. Marcellus left a few in a drawer downstairs. I refuse to use them, however, because I'm not going to need them. Having one kid is enough, and having a baby pretty much keeps my beast well hidden for the meantime anyway. No sex for me.

"That's the point." I told her. I could practically see her rolling her eyes, and her next sentence pretty much confirmed it.

"Oh please."

Johanna Mason can 'Oh please" me all she wants, but it doesn't make her right. While Gale and I have been on somewhat better terms since Caitlyn was born, we still aren't anywhere near what we were-even before the sex. And while it's sort of uncomfortable, I don't push him away anymore. I know I can't do this alone, and even if I never tell him, I'm glad he's here.

"Marion left?" Gale asks me as he walks in the room where I had just put Caitlyn down in her crib. I turn around and nod.

"Yep."

"Good." He nods, and suddenly looks sort of nervous. He gestures for me to follow him and out of curiosity I do, all the way downstairs to the kitchen. He tells me to wait and comes back with something behind his back, his anxiety growing.

"What is it?" I ask, not really wanting to know. He doesn't sit down like I think he will, but comes a little closer, biting his lip. Oh great, what's going on?

"Look, I know we…are in a kind of bad place right now." He begins, and I don't say anything, just wait for him to spit it out already. "And we've both lied. A lot."

Well that's the most truthful statement of the year. Very dirtily lied would probably be more accurate, actually. "Yeah, we have." I confirm, pushing back the images rushing to the forefront of my memory of a lot of those dirty lies. Hands groping and caressing, lips and tongues dancing and licking and passionately biting, unwanted clothing coming off to reveal what we both wanted…needed…

I really need to stop this. Come on Katniss, think of what that leads to! You have a blatantly obvious example sleeping upstairs right now. Though there are those shots…

I mentally shake my head and those thoughts out of my head. Focus, Katniss, he's clearly nervous. That means he's probably done something wrong. Think about that. Anger is your friend here.

"I think we should stop it, at least with each other." Gale sighs, and then holds whatever was behind his back to me. An envelope. I don't take it, just look at it and back to his guilty expression. "This is the last of mine."

"What is it?" I question, taking the envelope from him. It's a crisp, clean cream paper with my name in a perfect script. Why does this script seem so familiar?

"A letter I should have given to you a long time ago." He answers rather vaguely, "I'm sorry I didn't, but I just couldn't at the time."

Suddenly I recognize the script and look up to him, more surprised than angry. "Peeta?"

He nods and looks away from me before meeting my eyes again. "I don't know what it says, but I know I was wrong to keep it from you. I don't want to lie anymore with you."

I know he feels guilty not only from keeping this from me for months but it's written on his face. But in that last sentence, there's something else there, just below the surface. Something…something like longing, and wishing for forgiveness. Something like…

No, don't think about that. You really shouldn't. And yet I find myself nodding and answering back in a soft voice, "Alright. No more lying." At least to each other anyway. Others might be necessary to. But oh well, if Haymitch can still be in the dirty liars club then so can we.

With that he leaves and goes off somewhere, but I don't even really see which direction. I'm too engrossed with the paper in my hand and what it could possibly say. Working up my courage, I finally open it and take out the letter with more of the perfect script.

Katniss,

I know I shouldn't have walked out like that on you, and I'm sorry for that. You just took me by complete surprise and I reacted. I felt stupid and angry and all sorts of things in the moment when really you just needed someone there for you. I thought that Gale knew about your situation and purposefully abandoned you after the war, which is why I left. I was trying to be gallant almost, and in the end made myself look and feel like a fool. My anger clouded my clear thinking so much that I didn't even realize that he didn't know because you hadn't told him.

I guess I'm just writing to say that I'm sorry, really. I'm sorry for leaving you, and I know that you might be angry with me for that as well as telling Gale (not to mention the bruises I may have left on him internally and externally). After we realized what had probably happened when I stopped fighting him for a justice that didn't really exist, I told him that he should go to you. He didn't even hesitate, and I knew he was going to go to you anyway even if he was dreading it.

Katniss, I don't really know what's going on anymore, but one thing is clear: no matter how much I may have loved you or what you might feel for me I know I don't belong there. I had told you once I was jealous of Gale before I had officially met you. That's true, but what I never told you is that there was a point that I knew it wasn't just jealously. When Gale was practically at death's door lying on your table, I came early the next morning to bring bread and I found you with your head next to his, a wound on your face you took to save him without a blink of an eye, clasped hands. And just then, I stared for at least ten minutes, realizing slowly that I wasn't just jealous, I was getting in your way. You belonged together and I knew it, but I was too selfish to let you go.

So now, I'm doing the unselfish thing and letting go. You've made it clear unconsciously and very consciously in the last few days that it's not me you want, but I don't blame you for it. I saw this coming and ignored it anyway. But now I'm doing the right thing. I'm going to stay here in District 2 or maybe go to the Capitol and work. Maybe I'll work for President Paylor if she wants me as someone to help with speeches, or maybe I'll open up a bakery somewhere.

But really it doesn't matter, because I want you to do something for me, Katniss. I want you to forget about me and the Hunger Games and the war if you possibly can. I want you to be happy, which means no matter how hard it may be for you, you have to forgive. Forgive your mother, Gale, the Capitol. But most of all, forgive yourself. Please Katniss, forgive just this once and I think you will finally be happy.

I wish you well with your life and your new family. I hope to see you again someday, but if not I understand.

Love,

Peeta.

I don't even realize I'm crying until I see the teardrops on the paper, and put it down. I can't believe that Peeta has written this. Actually, he does have a point though. While I'm still not sure I can forgive everyone (especially myself), I can forgive Gale for not giving me this until now. In fact, I'm almost glad he didn't give it to me right away. It gave me a chance to look back on the last few months and see how I have changed. Plus, I might not have even read it back then, too fury-filled and unforgiving.

Just maybe I can forgive. In fact…

No, I can't. Not just yet. But Gale and I, we've promised not to be dirty liars anymore at least to each other. So maybe I won't tell him what's in the letter, but I can do one thing-try to be happy.


	36. Woods

It's been six weeks since Caitlyn was born though sometimes it feels a whole lot longer. Not that it's a bad thing, I just can't believe how much my life has changed in just one or two years. Just a year ago right now I was in the Capitol predicting my own death in the Quarter Quell, pretending to be pregnant thanks to Peeta's lie to garner us more sponsors and sympathy. It's sort of ironic now on all aspects, really. I thought I was going to die and most that were in the Quarter Quell or had anything to do with it are, but I'm not. Peeta's not, though I still have no idea what he's really up to since I haven't gathered the courage to call or send a letter. And Gale's certainly not though Snow threatened his death to me for in his mind faking everything with Peeta because I preferred Gale. I'm not entirely sure it was true then though it probably looked like it, but looking back it's almost like Snow could see into the future somehow.

Gale and I still aren't on the best terms, but we're…trying I guess. Neither one of us forgives easily, but I've been trying really hard since I read Peeta's letter to at least forgive myself since that's probably the first step. Not lying to each other helps too, but there's really not much to lie about at the moment since it's so quiet here. The residents of District 12 are slowly trickling back and I think there are some people from District 13 as well that have arrived, but for the most part we just stay in Victor's Village. Or like for the first time today, we're going to the woods with Caitlyn.

"I'm still not sure bringing her is going to be a good idea." Gale worries even as he packs some things in my game bag for me for Caitlyn. I pick her up from her crib where she's sound asleep and hold her as I give him a look.

"It'll be fine. It's not like we're hunting." I protest even though some small part of me knows he's probably right. But even though I know it's selfish, I can't stand not being in the woods anymore. It's been too long and the wait has made me irritable enough as it is. Honestly at the risk of sounding corny, the woods are like oxygen to me and I can't truly be alive without them. And I know Gale feels the same way but he's been sneaking off to the woods even after I couldn't physically walk there anymore, so it hasn't been as bad for him.

"True." He concedes, but the slight frown on his face says he's still not happy about it, overprotective parent he apparently is. I suppose it's good at least one of us is; I always knew he'd be the better parent anyway.

I sigh though, my impatience getting to me. "Do you honestly think either of us is going to let something happen to her?"

"No." he answers almost automatically as if it was without thinking. "It's just…when was the first time you were in the woods?"

I shrug, not really knowing why he cares. "I guess I was five or six maybe with my dad. What about you?"

"I was six." He replies. "Rory had just come and I was kind of jealous of all the attention he was getting so my dad wanted to give me something special that was just us." He chuckles under his breath before shaking his head, "I made my dad swear for a long time he was never going to teach Rory anything so he could only do it with me."

I smile a little at that because I can't imagine a Gale who would prevent his siblings from learning or having anything, but I guess that was a different time. "What does that have to do with bringing her out to the woods?"

"It's just that she's so little I guess." He shrugs, "Even when I made my dad promise to not take Rory out I knew he wouldn't at least at the time because he was a baby."

"I don't think it makes us bad people for bringing her." I declare, walking down the stairs with Gale in tow. "Besides, there's two of us." I add, mentally adding in my head that the other worries that were almost more dangerous than the actual animals aren't really there either-the fear that the Capitol would come and get us for poaching or trespassing.

"I still don't like it." He decides, but goes on ahead anyway. I roll my eyes at his back for his stubbornness but he doesn't see it. "Rolling your eyes at me isn't going to change that."

He keeps walking but I stop in place for a moment with my mouth wide open. I guess between all of our fighting and disagreements I had forgotten how well Gale knows me. It's almost annoying accurate too. Instead of countering I glare at him but keep walking, at least trying to see that even if he doesn't like it he's going anyway. Honestly, it's probably because he knows I'd go with or without him and it's safer to have him along.

My anticipation grows as we near the fence in the place where Gale and others tore it down to escape the burning district almost a year ago and I freeze in place all of a sudden, a growing, aching panic entering me that I don't quite understand. What am I doing bringing a baby…my baby at that into the woods in a place where people I loved and others were escaping from the horror that in some way was my fault? And forget even that, why would I bring a baby to the woods anyway? I remember begging my father to take me to the woods before he actually did and he refused, so why am I so willing?

Because I'm selfish. I so want desperately to go into those woods and hunt, be free, breathe the fresh air. But now…I look down to the tiny sleeping face and feel my guilt warring with my selfishness. How can I possibly bring a baby into the woods? I can't.

Guess this is what that mothering instinct is for. Too bad it apparently only takes over me in situations like this because it would be far more handy on other things. I look back to the woods with longing but stay firmly in place, not knowing what to do. I really don't want to go back to Victor's Village, but I can't go further. Not with her.

Gale has apparently for once not known what I'm thinking or feeling, because he kept walking a ways before he even realized I wasn't right behind him. When he comes back and stands in front of me, he just stares at my face for a while. I already know without asking he can sense my dilemma, a small hint of 'I told you so' written into his expression under the layers of understanding.

I'm expecting the I told you so out loud so much that I look down and grumble, but before I can even understand what's happening he's gently taking Caitlyn out of my arms. I look up confused, and he has a smile on his face.

"Go." He orders softly. "We can take turns going. Every day if you want."

"But…" I protest, even though I don't know why. Instead of giving me an answer, he just smiles again and nods his head towards the woods. Instead of questioning this and overthinking it, I nod back and practically race into the woods, finally free if only for a short period of time.

I had planned to hunt, to get out the bow and see how rusty I really was. And yet even as I felt more and more at home and like myself the deeper into the woods I got, the bow stayed nocked in my arm even when I could sense some kind of animal nearby to shoot. I hated to admit it, but it was more because my head was filled with other thoughts than the fact that I didn't know if I could actually shoot an animal right in the eye anymore. And so instead, I made it to our old place and sat down on the rock that felt too big without another body next to me and the green life filled world around me became a haze as my brain was on overload.

Why would Gale not want to take Caitlyn out from the beginning? Well that one I can answer easily, I just figured it out later than he did. Which is no surprise since I'd be lying if I claimed I was the better parent. That I already knew long before she was even born. The thing was, even if he believed it was a bad idea he was still going to go through with it. I know he was, because he was ahead of me walking towards here. Besides, I had a good point in both of us being there not much would happen.

But he also…just gives me things no matter how hurt he is. Like giving me that letter from Peeta when he had no idea what was in it. For all he knows Peeta could have been begging me to leave and be with him even if I know that would have never happened. Or giving me this gift of going to the woods where I'm most alive that I haven't been to in months, allowing me this freedom and just for a while being able to pretend nothing was different.

And I could do that. Gladly. But it doesn't change that everything is it certainly doesn't change the fact that no matter how much he hides it or doesn't say it, Gale cannot help showing that he loves me.

Shaking my head, I realize I can't just be here in our spot without him and leave to actually go hunt, trying to focus on that. The first animal I see is a rabbit and I do hit it, but right in the gut which renders a lot of the meat useless. Frowning, I pick it up anyway and put it in my bag even though I'm sure Gale will find humor in me losing my touch and go practice for a while where my father taught me to use a bow in an alcove not far from where I was. It takes maybe until the sun is leaning towards mid-afternoon, but I finally have my regular lethal shot back and go to hunt again with a new attitude. By the time it's dark I've got a mixed half dozen including the one bad shot, and decide it's time to go home.

When I get there I unload and decide on a whim to hide the bad shot. I know it's sort of wasting food, but I guess I can give it to Buttercup who's been lurking around every so often. It's silly really, but I want Gale to think that I never lost my touch. And it's not exactly lying if he only see the results and doesn't ask, right?

Even as I hide the bad rabbit I smile to myself thinking I'm being ridiculous being competitive with Gale of all people after all this time, but I can't help it. He just brings that side of me out. It's like when he refused to do anything with me back in District 13 and I tried everything I could think of to make him. Spending hours under a sink was definitely not the reward I was hoping for but even now looking back it was kind of funny.

Still smiling to myself, I go upstairs to see Caitlyn who I find I've missed terribly all day. I don't think I've ever been away from her for so long before and it's caused me a bit of anxiety. Okay, a lot of anxiety. No matter how selfish I was I still ached for her in a way I don't quite understand.

But when I get to her room I don't find her in her crib. I find her in Gale's arms where he's in the rocking chair, both of them sleeping soundly.

I can't help the warm smile that crosses my face and don't even really understand it until it's there. As I look to the tiny sleeping figure I can't help but think how beautiful and perfect she is and hope that she can forgive me for my lack of parenting skills one day. I can't help but love her so much that I just want to hold her all day.

And then I realize I can't do that. Because no matter how many issues I have, I trust Gale completely with her, far more than anyone else. Because aside from me he's the only person who could love her as much as I do. Because he loves me as much as her if not more. And for that, I…

Realizing exactly where my thoughts are going, I slip out of the room and put my back against the wall, slowly leaning against it as I slip down to the floor and sit there with my head in my hands. How did I not realize this was happening? I mean I did I guess, but I was in such…denial, lying to myself. Why did I not see it before that even when I was pretending, deep down I had forgiven Gale? For everything.

I guess there's only one thing left to do now.


	37. Love

Gale's been gone all day since we decided to take turns going to the woods. I'm a little bothered by it because I have yet to tell him my revelation from last night but I'm also relieved at the same time. It's almost silly that I'm so terrified when I know everything will turn out fine, but I can't help myself. It's like a leftover reaction from denying it and lying to myself all this time.

And so while he's been gone I've been busy all day as to not think about it. Taking care of Caitlyn, cleaning off the rest of the animals I brought back yesterday and putting all but one rabbit in the freezer so I can make a stew with it for dinner, going outside briefly wondering how good of a day it will be for Gale's hunting. It's been a pretty typical day since Caitlyn was born aside from one thing.

I know I realized last night that I had already forgiven Gale and I'm not an idiot-I do know what that probably means. And so since there is no way I'm getting pregnant again anytime soon (or ever), I worked up my stupid stubborn courage to open the drawer I know Dr. Marcellus left some of those shot things in with the three month birth control. I found four in there and took one out, carefully closing the drawer while I stared at the thing.

It's not the fact that it's birth control nor the fact that even though I desperately want it I'm a little scared. It's the fact that I'm planning on using this, a Capitol design that in the past has been primarily used for the…torture I suppose of people I know, some of which are even friends for…selfish reasons. Honestly the thought makes me sick for even thinking I'd use the thing to my own advantage, and after observing the seemingly innocent clear liquid I set it down on my desk in my room. I'm not putting it away yet, but I'm certainly not using it.

Gale comes back around dinnertime and sets his gamebag on the table which from the lumps I think there's only two animals in there. He must not have set his snares yet because that's nothing for this time of year. Maybe that's what he did today. But I don't ask and he doesn't say anything, so we eat the stew I made in silence as I'm still inwardly contemplating what I want to do. I'm actually surprised he hasn't caught onto me yet since he seems to read my mind most of the time, but he seems distracted tonight too so neither of us are really reading the other right apparently. If only for tonight, I'm glad because I'm starting to think that what I want is a bad idea.

So after dinner he goes up to see his daughter while I go to my room, pacing back and forth. Should I do something? Shouldn't I not do anything? There is that little shot on the desk that will resolve a lot of my concerns…but that would be wrong. Not because of what it does but because of what it's done in the past. What would Johanna say? What would Finnick say if he was alive? Would Snow have made me use it if Peeta wasn't there?

Round and round I go, but eventually I resolve to just go and tell Gale I forgive him if nothing else. We can still…not do stuff after that, right? I just think he needs to know so at least I can get that off my chest. I still miss Prim every second of the day and I still don't like what he did during the war, but I can forgive him for all of it somehow. I know I already have, I'm just terrified that he's going to know why.

But I'm at the door which is cracked open, so I peek in first. Gale is once again sitting on the rocking chair with Caitlyn in his arms, but they aren't sleeping like last night. Both are up and Gale is gently caressing her as he talks to her even though he knows she can't understand.

"…silly to think your mommy was just going to let it go." He says when I start listening. "I just…thought maybe when you came she would realize…"

He sighs and I wonder what he's thinking about even though I already know. It's about me forgiving him. "I know you don't realize it now and I never want you to know, but you weren't planned. Mommy was so mad when she found out that she didn't tell me. And while I was mad at her and the situation, I understood why."

Caitlyn makes a little sound and Gale snorts a little as if she's actually listening and understanding, encouraging him to keep talking. Please keep talking, I know it's bad that I'm listening but it's almost fascinating that he can talk to her and not me about this.

"Daddy messed up big time." He admits to her though she doesn't seem to mind or care. "I don't think your mommy will ever forgive me for that and it sucks. But I deserve to not be forgiven. I know you'll find out what I've done or might have done one day and you might hate me too. And it will kill me but I'll never leave again. I think that's the thing your mommy almost didn't forgive me for the most."

I don't know if that's really true, but he has a point. Prim was the big one even though I can admit now that he still doesn't-and may never-know if it was his design or not. I trust him enough to believe that he at least didn't know about it. Or even if he did, there's no way he could have known or wanted Prim to be there. Would I have forgiven him for the bomb if Prim hadn't been there? I think I might have if only because I'm selfish. But leaving me…it was wrong even if I pushed him away. And he's stubborn enough to never leave again, I'm just coming to realize that again as if we're meeting for the first time again. Somehow I don't mind.

"Sorry for keeping you up, you're just the only one who will kind of listen right now." He chuckles under his breath as she yawns, but there's a sadness to his tone that leaves an ache in my stomach for knowing I put it there. I listen to him, don't I? Okay, maybe I don't anymore. "I love you and your Mommy so much, Caitlyn that I can't stand it. I just want to make everything right."

At this point I know that I should come in and do something about this, but I can feel tears welling in my eyes and I realize that Gale is going to come out of that room and find me out at any second so I run to my room and get under the covers, desperately trying to control my breathing.

But I can't stop thinking about everything. Gale's talk with our daughter, how he just want's forgiveness I've already given him but he doesn't know it, all those times that we were with each other in the most intimate way. It grows and escalates as the moon goes across my window until my beast just can't stand it anymore. What the hell am I doing?

Almost without thinking I go over to my desk and turn on the lamp, only glancing once at the damn thing before wincing as I push it in, feeling my guilt escalating but it's too late to care now. I look at myself in the mirror and find my eyes heavy with lust, my expression turning from one of confusion and sleepiness to an aching need that I'm desperate to sate. The beast is back and it's getting what it wants-right now.

I don't even know how I find myself at Gale's door but I do, and somehow in this state don't hesitate to open the door and walk in. Gale, always a light sleeper, instantly wakes up and when he sees my figure in the dark room relaxes but only slightly.

"What is it? What's wrong with her?" he half panics, and I'm confused at first. Of course he'd think that would be the only reason I'm in here.

"Nothing. She's fine." I insist even though I don't actually know. I probably should have checked on her before I came in here but my mind is nowhere near my baby for once.

"Then why are you here?" he questions me, utterly dumbfounded.

"I…I…" I stutter, suddenly embarrassed and feeling stupid for not having some sort of plan. What the heck did I think I could do, just run right in here and into his bed with no explanations?

Yeah, but that was before. Stupid me.

He gets up from his bed slowly and walks over to me in the dark with careful steps as if not to scare me, stopping right in front of me.

"Katniss?"

It's a question, but it's filled with a longing and understanding at the same time and suddenly I can't take it anymore. I launch myself at him and I can't be more pleased when he doesn't even hesitate, his eager hungry lips meeting mine.

Once we've started it's pretty easy to remember what happens next, but my mind can only focus on very few things right now. My beast being sated, how right this feels, and Gale. Gale. Gale.

He's everywhere, my nightgown coming off in a quick motion over my head as I push his shirt up and out of the way in a fumbling motion, not actually caring at this point if it's ripped or stretched out. I just want to feel his smooth taut stomach built even more by the war and his rippling arms that pick me up with ease, my legs going around his waist like a suction as we're on the same level of height now, making it easier to grip his hair and mouth as our kisses turn sloppy and desperate, wanting to move on.

Somehow we fall on the bed with Gale on top of me and I gasp at his weight, but it swiftly turns into a moan as his lips descend onto my neck where every kiss and little bite or lick emotes a tingling sensation from my skin and I feel for once that I really am the Girl on Fire. And it's not the costumes or the Capitol or any dirty trick they may pull on me that makes me that way. I may have the spark but it's Gale, my partner, my everything that ignites it and makes me burn in the brightest fashion. We're a beacon of lust and craze right now and for just a moment I don't care if the whole world knows it.

His mouth sucks on my breasts briefly but we're in too much of a hurry to give them the love he usually does, so as he descends even further they're left wet and cooling in the night air, contrasting with the rest of my body that's on fire to make me shiver and moan. My underwear comes off in a swift move and somewhere in this his pants have come off, because as he pushes in we're both moaning and groaning at how tight and perfect we are together.

He stops once he's fully in for just a moment, allowing us to savor the moment before the inferno takes over again. But I can't stand it for long and move my hips in a little circle that drives him crazy, his lips controlling mine as we move together as one, ascending onto what we both desperately need. I'm so close I can feel it, I'm tightening around him as his breath quickens and suddenly everything that I've been keeping in explodes into fireworks, my vision going white as a ringing in my ears sounds like cheering, the waves ripping through my body in successful motions that make me feel as if I'm completely electrified.

When I come back to he's still in me but we've stopped moving, just catching our breath after an intense orgasm for both of us I'd guess. When he does roll off me and out of me I miss the fullness, but I can't comment as I'm still catching my breath.

Eventually I roll to my side and look at him, my hand finding it's way to his chest where his heart is still beating faster than normal and I find myself smiling at it. His heart is beating faster because of me. Because he loves me.

And for the first time, I'm not terrified by the thought that he loves me. Actually, I'd be a dirty liar if I said I didn't…like it.

His chuckle under his breath breaks the silence and he turns to me, his eyes meeting mine in the dark. "So I guess this means you've…forgiven me?"

Well duh, I think that's obvious. "Nope." I grin, though I know where this is going. He gives my lips a light kiss before grinning back.

"Hey we said no lying, remember?" he points out and I nod.

"You're right." I concede, and he starts going back on his back on the bed so I sit up a little and look down at him. "I love you."

He seems a bit surprised by this, but a warmth spreads through him so I know he's realized that I'm not lying at all. Suddenly a wicked grin crosses his face. "I know."

My mouth goes wide open but I realize at once how bad that sounded when I said it to him even though I know he's teasing me now. "Well what are you going to do about it?" I ask, but I already know. His lips find mine again as we begin again, a perfect routine that I can have all I want.

I'm done with lying. I may be a dirty liar…actually a very dirty liar, but not to Gale anymore. I can't lie to someone who knows me better than myself, especially since I've forgiven him mostly because I love him. It just wouldn't be fair or work.

Everyone else is fair game, though.


End file.
